The Cast

Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Sasha Fierce, a female (lesbian) Elf Avenger
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter
Daniel as… Lorilla, a female Gnome Bard
Lucinda as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin

The team arranges their figurines on the map to prepare for the fight.

Dungeon Master: The two fiery bats swoop over you, and then curiously sail right past you over your heads. They continue off into the distance, toward the direction you are going.

Lucinda: Oh.

Sean, somehow bereft of context, rushes to the table.

Sean: Who’s fighting?! I’m gonna kill someone.

The DM rolls some dice behind his screen.

It’s my turn actually. After you all watch the two bats sail off, Clay, you suddenly feel your throat being grabbed by a slimy, barbed appendage. You seize up in panic. Take 11 damage and your character has been grabbed, which means you’re immobile until you wrestle out of its hold. Lucinda, you feel the same thing, you’re also being attacked. Take 8 and you’re also grabbed.

Clay: Ouch!

Lucinda looks at Kevin’s figurine on the board.

Lucinda: Haha, you’re going to get raped.

Kevin: Why?

Lucinda points out the new monster that appeared next to him.

Another clawed arm reaches out and grabs you, Kevin. You take 6 damage and are grabbed.

Lucinda: Okay, it’s my turn. What the fuck? What is happening?

You angle your head to glance at your attackers. They’re humanoid looking, but they are grayish in color. Sort of like those things from The Descent. They have very long, bendy looking arms with scary tentacle claws at the end. Lucinda, your character is grabbed, so you can try to strong arm your way out of their grab, or you can attack, just not move.

Kevin: Wait. Wait. Does anyone know what element these creatures are? Like, what would be super effective against them? Because I’m a psychic Pokémon.

Clay: These guys seem like natural creepy cave dwellers.

Sean: Use Dungeoneering.

Kevin rolls a 19.

These are called Chokers. They usually hide in the shadows and then strike at opportune times. They have really sticky tentacles that make it easy for them to grab their foes.

Kevin: Well then. I’ll use Light. On its eyes.

Aaron: You should use it on the bat, then it’ll be blinded.

Kevin: No Aaron, bats use echolocation!

Nick: Yeah, just don’t respond when it talks to you, then you’ll be invisible.

Lucinda: Okay, I’m going to do Dragon Breath.

Lucinda’s Dragon-born character uses her racial ability and blows a cone of spitting fire in the Choker’s face.

Nick: I would like to try to cut off one of his tentacles.

Nick rolls to attack. He gets a 17.

As you move in to strike, the Choker moves his grabbed victim — Kevin — in front of him, who suddenly feels a sharp pain in his back.

Nick: What?!

Nick rolls damage.

Nick: Oh shit. Well, thankfully I only rolled maximum damage, so take 16.

Kevin: Seriously? I’d rather be choked.

Nick: Don’t worry, you’re still being choked.

Daniel: And now that he’s weakened, you can steal from him too.

Kevin: I’m renaming my character “Meatshield.”

Sean: I’m attacking.

Sean’s dwarf swings his axe at the nearest tentacle monster.

The Choker blocks the attack by putting Lucinda in harm’s way.

Sean: Oh. I didn’t know that.

Kevin: Did you just do the same thing?

Lucinda: Yes… but to me…

Sean: This isn’t going to be good. I hack Lucinda for 11 damage.

Clay: Where’s the cleric? Help us. Please?

All of a sudden, from out of the darkness, two nearly human-sized flapping creatures dive down and attack the group. They are on fire, so you suspect they might be the ones you originally encountered.

Kevin: Flapping creatures are always the worst.

Lucinda: Fapping?

Nick: How does he, like, go to sleep and stuff?

Despite Kevin asking “am I dead yet?” every turn, the group manages to keep everyone alive. The bats were surprisingly easy to take down, despite being winged balls of flame. After some more stabbing issues, the heroes manage to break free from the Chokers long enough to take them down one at a time. The party decides to push on without rest. Though a little ragged, they push on deeper into the cavern.

Kevin: I use my History skill on the cave!

Aaron: Critical History hit.

It’s… rocky.

Nick: Wow, your scholarship is just… unbelievable.

So you’re walking, walking along when all of a sudden something happens. I’ll tell you what that is as soon as Lucinda, who is in front, makes a Reflex Check.

Lucinda rolls.

Okay, so you had thought you were on solid ground, but you feel the earth shift beneath you as it caves in on itself, revealing a wide hole. Had you known more about caves, you might’ve noticed that, but you just fell right through.

Nick: Was this a planned trap or just like, uh, weakness in the cave?

Kevin: I’m sorry; I just studied the history of this cave.

So Lucinda needs to make an Acrobatics Check to avoid the hole.

Lucinda: Oh fuck. I’m wearing huge armor, so I get a big penalty on this.

Lucinda rolls again. She gets a 15.

Okay, well you break some of the fall. You fall 30 feet and take 7 damage.

Lucinda: Oh. That’s not too bad.

Aaron: And then the huge spikes hit you.

Lucinda: Okay, so I land. Is this just a pit, or…

It’s a bit damp down here, a couple inches of water and a path leading into the darkness.

Nick: Can we go forward with this obstruction?

The rest of the group can’t go forward unless they jump over.

Kevin: I’m going to spit down there. Okay, actually, I’m gonna jump. Nobody stop me. Please.

Kevin rolls.

Kevin: Ten.

You make it over, but then your foot falls, but you catch yourself with your hands and pull yourself up.

Kevin: This must be an Uncharted reference.

Daniel rolls next.

You do a running jump, but then your foot trips and you fall straight down.

Daniel: Ouch.

Nick: God, you’re so bad at this game.

Okay you need to make an Acrobatics Check to break your fall.
Daniel rolls a three.

Kevin: Lucinda will break your fall. With her sword.

Nick: You land on your head. And you’re paralyzed. You’ll need a wheelchair. Roll a Physical Therapy Check.

Something like that. Take 27 damage.

Clay: Oh my god.

Daniel: I’m still alive! Barely.

Clay: I roll!

Clay rolls a 9.

Clay makes it across.

Nick rolls high.

Nick: As I cartwheel across the chasm, I yell “you suck!” at the injured people below.

Aaron rolls a 3 and falls into the pit.

Aaron: Shut up!

There are so many other things you could’ve done to get across this besides blindly jumping. Like, you could’ve thrown Clay a rope so he can stake it down and then you’d have something to hold onto. Or stake something into the rock… like, so many things.

Kevin: Ropes are for pussies!

Nick: Well said.

With the whole party either across the chasm or in pain in the hole below, they decide their next path.

Nick: So we probably need to get a rope so they can climb up here.

Lucinda: Or you guys can come down?

Kevin: But we worked so hard to get up here.

Lucinda: But there are more of us down here.

Kevin: I’m just saying, I’ve seen horror movies and nobody survives by splitting up.

Clay: Okay well my character is sneaky, so he’s going to stealth up around this passage to see what’s down here.

Okay, well you creep forward into the passage. The water gets a little deeper. Now make an Acrobatics Check.

Clay: Oh no, a hole!

Okay, well you’re wading in the water—

Nick: Star Wars garbage compactor.

—and the ground beneath you is gone, so you plunge into the water. You’re swimming and you make a big splash.

Clay: Okay, I stop and I listen.

You hear a noise a distance away, like something diving into the water.

Clay: I run away! I run back to my friends and tell them there’s something in the water.

The group decides to scramble up. They climb the ropes. The last person, Clay, spots a large figure lumbering towards him in the darkness. He climbs faster.

Kevin: Well, I’m getting ready to cut the rope in case Clay isn’t fast enough.

Clay makes it up in time, and the group hears a great roar beneath them. A crocodile-like creature the size of a bear tries to claw at the sides of the pit, but cannot get up.

With the entire group safely together, they venture on beyond the pit and descend lower into the winding cavern…

Illustration by Hallie Bateman.

In fact, the village has suffered a string of odd attacks for several weeks now, though they are reluctant to tell the party the specifics. Handley Toshane, ever the cozener, eventually gains the confidence of a village councilman who let spill that an abandoned (some villagers would say haunted) house nearby was the target of a recent excavation by an unlucky group of adventurers. Apparently, this group attempted to explore a strange tunnel underneath the house. They met their end underground, their corpses left to rot. Since then, the village has been hit by attacks from any number of monsters.

Perhaps the two events are related?

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Sasha Fierce, a female (lesbian) Elf Avenger
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

And Introducing
Daniel as… Lorilla, a female Gnome Bard
Lucinda as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin

(Perceptive readers will notice that Emma Fierce is now played by Lucinda rather than Clay. This was change was due to Clay’s concern that Emma simply wasn’t “his type” of woman. Instead, Clay now plays Sasha Fierce, Emma’s wilder, fiercer friend. They are of course unrelated, as the surname Fierce is terribly widespread these days.)

Kevin: If this were a videogame, I’d be skipping this.

Nick: You don’t carefully read every bit of dialogue?

DM: You’d just be skipping my face talking at you.

Okay, you’re walking to this abandoned house about a half-mile from the village, alone on a hill surrounded by forest. The council member said he’d keep a man posted to help you find your way.

Moving to the location indicated, the group spots the house. The windows are all broken. There’s a guy standing awkwardly off by the side of the front door. He looks at you and nods his head, as if to say, “You’re the people I’m waiting for.”

Kevin: How much?

The group chuckles.

Daniel: Negotiate!

Nick: Okay, well I’ll actually be serious about this. I’ll go up to him, and I’m like, “Hey, what’s up? You need some guys to go into a… deadly hole?”

More laughs.

Lucinda: Use protection.

Nick: I’m just trying to keep my options open.

The guy looks at your group, nods once more and points to the door.

Kevin: I’m gonna use my intuition on him.

Kevin rolls a 20-sided die.

Kevin: Intuition is a thing right?

Clay: Insight.

Your Insight skill allows you to divine a person’s intentions and motivations.

Kevin: Oh, I don’t have that, someone else do that.

Sean: As a drunken dwarf… I also do not have insight.

Clay: I’ll do it, but I don’t know why.

Aaron: Oh, I’m sorry, this guy that’s acting like a prostitute is telling us where to go, and we’re just gonna go where he tells us.

Nick: Exactly.

Aaron: At least someone steal something from him.

Nick: Okay, pickpocket.

As you’re walking by?

Nick: Yeah well you know, we’re all walking by in one crowd — a bustle, rather — and so I think I can…

Nick rolls a 20-sided die.

Nick: Twenty!

That’s pretty good, you must’ve been practicing recently. So this guy is wearing normal clothes and has a cloak that conceals his waist. Are there any particular places you’d like to target your pick-pocket?

Nick: You mean he doesn’t have a visible pouch?

Kevin: I love that we’re spending so much time harassing this one guy.

Yeah, you guys can’t walk by him twenty times and steal everything he has. He’ll notice.

Nick: Okay okay, I’ll aim around the belt. Reach around, or reach under the cloak and grab that. I’m a thief, you know. So if there’s a bulge there, I’m grabbing it.

Sean: I think we have a new gay character.

Nick: Yeah, I’ve never told you about my adventures in the exotic south.

Lucinda: Aaron will disapprove now

(Aaron plays a stern, religious type.) He furrows his brows.

When you move past him, you spot a small velvet bag and you grab it. He mumbles an apology as you brush by him, not noticing your finessed pilfer.

Kevin: So you’re that thief character in every RPG that isn’t ever strong enough to fight anyone, but just steals shit while everyone else dies.

So you enter the house, it kinda smells like mold—

Kevin: —Is it your room?

Lucinda: Is there anything of interest in the house?

There’s some trash that the last party left, but it appears to just be debris.

Kevin: Maybe we shouldn’t be looking for boring things.

Clay: I found a burger!

Nick: It looks only a day or two old, according to my Nature check.

And then there’s the rug in the middle of the room. It is depressed in the center.

Aaron: Does it tie the room together?

Yes, it looks quite nice.

Clay: I lift it.

The smell of mold and stagnant water fills your nose as you lift the water-logged rug. Smashed floorboards are underneath, with a big hole in the center that goes down into darkness.

Kevin: I have a light! I’ll pick up a pebble, cast Light on it, and drop it down.

You drop the pebble, and it falls down about 40 feet.

Clay: Holy…

Nick: And there’s no ladder or anything?

No.

Lucinda: We have 50 feet of hemp and rope.

Nick: This is gonna be like Ocean’s 11.

Lucinda: Is it?

Kevin: We should just throw that guy down here.

Use him as cushioning.

Nick: Okay, I’ll tie my rope to whatever is around… maybe a pillar or something.

Sean: I’ll go first!

Roll an Athletics check.

Sean rolls a 20-sided die. He is determining whether his character is skilled enough to scale the rope without falling.

Sean: 8 plus 9, so 17.

You scale half the rope, now do it again.

Sean rolls again, better this time. He makes it to the bottom.

Nick: I have very poor Athletics, how much does it hurt to fall 40 feet?

The DM chuckles, and doesn’t say anything.

Sean: Can I lay down and provide cushioning? Oh, I have a bedroll that I can lay down.

The dwarf (who isn’t the smartest) unrolls his bedroll to provide cushioning in case someone falls forty feet. Proud of his contribution, he awaits the next person to slide down the rope.

Everyone manages to scale without incident, except for the new recruit Daniel, whose character Lorilla loses his grip halfway down and falls. He tries to tumble to break his fall, but that doesn’t quite work out. He takes 6 damage, which isn’t too bad. After healing their wounded teammate, the group surveys their surroundings. They find themselves in an underground tunnel that’s slightly damp and proceed forward.

Kevin: Whenever we’re walking, the theme music to Thomas the Tank should be playing.

Sean: The dwarf calls the wizard gay.

Kevin: Yeah, you’re kind of a homophobic dwarf aren’t you?

Sean: He has issues to work out.

The underground tunnel continues sloping downwards. The ceiling is concealed, hidden above you in the darkness.

Kevin: I tell Daniel to give me a crossbow bolt.

He does.

Kevin: I cast my Light spell on it, and then tell Daniel to fire that bolt at the ceiling. I want to see how high up it is.

Sure.

Daniel: Do I need to roll for this? A crank check or something?

Kevin: Does a crossbow have a crank?

More complicated ones do, but not yours.

Kevin: They must be like training wheels.

Nick: Yeah — you’d get no respect from the other adventurers.

Kevin: I’m just imagining the jack-in-the-box sound as you crank the lever.

Lucinda: Anyway…

Daniel fires the crossbow bolt into the darkness. Seconds later, the bolt clangs against the rock above them. A pair of otherworldly screams sound out in the darkness, and two bat-like creatures high above the party burst into an inferno of flame. The creatures dive towards the party, their wings a fiery blaze.

The party prepares to meet the devilish bats. They take little notice of the dark stalker who slinks behind them, tracking their every move, waiting for an opportune moment to catch the group off guard.

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

Jordan: You hear shouting. As you step outside, a throng of townsfolk are fleeing their homes. They’re fleeing a curious sight. A monstrous-looking creature, an Ogre (check out that pic of the statue eating children in that article), about two-men tall and two-men wide, is pulling a large cart and holding a cask in one huge hand, with a club in his other. Two Hobgoblins with bows are perched atop the wagon.

Kevin: Cue Final Fantasy fight music!

The cast tries their best to imitate the generic Final Fantasy music. Sean is off key.

Nick: This is more like Final Fantasy Tactics, honestly.

The DM draws a map on a grid, adding markers and buildings.

Nick: So I feel like we need to disable this wagon. What does it look like?

Jordan: The Ogre is pulling it by a strap at the waist. It has two wheels, and is made of wood. Nick’s character notices that the Hobgoblins are standing on top of more casks.

Clay: Casts? Casks.

Aaron: Barrels. Just… different.

Nick: I don’t necessarily have to share this information, right?

Kevin: Why wouldn’t you?

Nick: I’m a schemer. Maybe I want to scheme.

Jordan: As you run outside, the Ogre throws his cask. When it hits the ground, it explodes and catches nearby debris and a building on fire.

The DM places some orange-colored beads on the map to indicate the areas on fire.

Nick: And he has more of those?

Jordan: Yeah. So after he throws that one, one of the Hobgoblins riding on top hands him another one.

Nick: I can speak Goblin…

Jordan: You might be able to catch what they say.

Nick: Can I bluff? Be like, “Hey, we’ve got a goblin twice as big, you better skedaddle.”

Sean: Better git’.

The DM calls for an Initiative Roll, which indicates that combat has begun, with a whole new set of rules in place. The game slows down significantly, and now players must precisely indicate their actions and movement.

Kevin: Okay, Twitter McFacebook is going to move forward toward the Ogre.

Kevin moves his marker on the map.

Kevin: So there are casks in that wagon? That are flammable?

Jordan: Yep.

Kevin: Well let’s burn that shit up. I’m going to cast the Scorching Burst spell on the wagon: “a vertical column of flame burns ALL WITHIN.”

Clay: So you’re going to hit them all.

Dice rolling.

Jordan: One of the casks explodes, burning one of the Hobgoblins riding on top the wagon and the Ogre itself. They look annoyed.

Kevin: Wouldn’t it be nice if they all just died?

Aaron: Yeah, I’d just grab the fire hose.

Nick: While you’re all doing that, I’ll burglarize everyone’s homes. Including that burning one.

Jordan: They don’t all die, unfortunately. In fact, none of them are dead.

Kevin: Okay, well I did my turn. Let’s see some hustle out there.

Jordan: The Ogre throws the cask, now lit with the help of a Hobgoblin, at Twitter McFacebook.

Kevin: Oh shit. Shiiiiiit.

Jordan: It explodes, and Twitter is burned for seven damage.

Kevin: Shit. I’m retreating. (Kevin’s Wizard has low health, maybe 10 hit points total.)

Nick: As a minor action I’d like to activate my marshmallow toast ability.

Aaron: Okay, I’ll run up and help Twitter, who’s on fire.

Kevin: Twitter is down!

Aaron’s character Bigby O’Toole, blessed with the healing properties of his deity, magically cures Twitter of some of his wounds.

Nick: (looking at the fire on the map) I feel like I can’t really do anything here… Can I throw a dagger?

Kevin: Oh yeah, that’ll stop a giant Ogre with explosive barrels.

Nick throws a dagger at one of the riding Hobgoblins instead.

Kevin: Is anyone else imagining this Ogre as the Rancor, and the riding creatures as Jawas?

Sean: I was actually going for the Cave Troll in Lord of the Rings.

Clay: That’s what I was thinking! Anyway, my turn. Emma Fierce is going to throw a javelin!

Emma Fierce runs past her compatriots, tossing a javelin in the air and sticking it in the large Ogre.

Kevin: “Falcon kick!”

Clay: Okay, I’m done with that.

Clay moves Emma Fierce back behind everyone else.

Nick: What the fuck? You’re supposed to be the burly guy standing in front to protect everyone. That’s your role.

Clay: Meh.

Sean: I want to take out the fire instead. Can I get a bucket anywhere?

Aaron: I have a waterskin!

Sean: Okay, that idea is stupid. I’m going to try throwing a dagger too, but I want to hit that strap on the Ogre.

The DM makes some dice rolls. Sean’s character (what’s his name?) throws his dagger, but misses and hits nothing instead.

Sean: I’m just building up steam. Wait till next turn.

Aaron: Yeah, dagger throwing doesn’t seem like your specialty.

Kevin spends another turn lighting the wagon on fire.

Aaron: Alright, let’s have someone productive go.

Aaron moves his character.

Aaron: Bigby O’Toole is going to use Sacred Flame, a divine power. Sacred Flame “sears an enemy with its divine radiance, while at the same time giving aid to an ally.”

Everyone snickers.

Aaron: What?

Sean: Every ability your character has used is just… fabulous. My character is getting a serious gay vibe from you.

Aaron: Who me? Bigby O’Toole?

Sean: Lance of Faith? Bedazzling Light?

Nick: Ray of Light?

Kevin: You are divine!

Aaron: Yeah… okay, I’m casting my spell. Oh shit. (Aaron rolls a 5.) I probably miss.

Jordan: Well you tried, and that’s what’s important.

Clay: Okay, leave me an opening; I’ll run up and attack.

Kevin: And then hide behind a building again?

Clay: I have a good plan!

Jordan: The Ogre lets out an angry yell.

Clay: Blargh!

Kevin: I’m hungry!

Jordan: He swipes at Emma Fierce twice, hitting you with his club twice for 10 damage. The Hobgoblins fire their bows, and one pierces Twitter McFacebook for 7 damage.

Kevin: Je-sus. I’m gonna die. And you’re gonna’ miss me. You’re all gonna miss me.

Eventually the Ogre is felled and the wagon blows up, killing both the Hobgoblins riding on top. The town’s buildings are in various states of disrepair, some smoldering and some still on fire.

The group takes a moment to collect itself and heal up.

Aaron: Can you ravage the corpses?

Kevin: I don’t think that’s the right verb.

Nick: Yeah, is there any loot?

Instead of aiding the weary townsfolk or dousing the nearby buildings, the group pokes around the dead bodies to see if there are any valuables. Emma Fierce tries to take the Ogre’s club, which is actually just a small tree root. He struggles to move it.

Kevin: Okay, well I go back to our inn and look for the continental breakfast.

Clay: It’s night!

Kevin: This was not complimentary, by the way.

With the Ogre successfully slain, and local townsfolk (begrudgingly) grateful for the party’s help, they retire for the night. The town is at peace, for now. The root of these recent troubles, however, seems to be a much greater problem.

Kevin: Is there an erotic Dungeons and Dragons? There must be.

With this in mind, it was quite startling to sit down at the table for my first game of D&D as a freshman in high school with my friend, his mom and dad, and aunt and uncle. They are all normal people. But instead of the after-dinner movie or game of Scattergories, we sat down to imagine ourselves as wizards and elves.

Briefly, Dungeons and Dragons is played with a pen, paper, and dice with about five or six people. One person takes the role of the Dungeon Master (DM), who describes all of the settings and places and people. The rest of the people are players, who role-play heroes in a world that the DM has imagined for them. Much of the interaction is question and answer (what do I see?), guided by few rules. Some interaction, combat specifically, is amazingly complex, requiring several books to properly direct the action. There is no real goal in D&D, unless the DM gives the players one, or unless the player decides their character exists for a particular purpose.

Given that most of my current friends are nerds themselves (including Editors Kevin and Nick), it astounded me that none of them had ever tried their hand at Dungeons and Dragons. So I planned a dinner and D&D evening, enticing them with quiche and squash soup but ultimately hoping they’d enjoy role playing the most. The following is a transcription of everyone introducing their characters, to their very first fight in a bar.

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

This is their story.

Kevin: So I know we get to pick a name, but what about gender? Like, if I’m a women, do I get drunk faster or something?

Jordan: There’s no difference. Why don’t we go around the room. Say your name and talk about who you are.

Kevin: My name is Twitter McFacebook. I’m a Human Wizard. I put my gender as Prince. I’ll just say I’m transgendered.

Sean: Uh, my name is Chen Stubsters. A Dwarf Fighter who is a male. I am strong, hardy, and dependable.

Clay: He’s Asian?

Sean: Well he looks Asian on the picture

Clay: No you imagine your own character. Like, not just that picture.

Sean: Okay, well imagine he’s Asian.

Clay: My name is Emma Fierce. A female lesbian Dragon-born Paladin.

Kevin: What does dragon-born mean?

Nick: You’re born a dragon.

Aaron: Dragon-born.

Jordan: I think it means an ancestor got preggo from a dragon once or something.

Clay: So how do we play this? Do we all have to talk in our character?

Nick: Yeah role play, come on. Forsooth.

Jordan: If you want. That might be a little too nerdy to begin with. We’ll work up to that, and eventually we’ll end with LARPing in our parent’s backyard.

Kevin: What’s everyone’s height?

Aaron: I’m 5’11”, my actual height oh my god. I really identify with my character already.

Nick: You’re also a half-elf, so that helps too.

Jordan: Alright. Now that we’re done introducing our characters, let’s figure out where you are in this world.

The DM drops a map on the table. It shows a tavern with various tables and chairs, with a bar near the west side of the room. A rabble of patrons are scattered around.

Jordan: So you find yourselves in a local tavern.

Nick: Can we throw chairs in this tavern?

Aaron: Oh my god. Let’s kill everyone on this tavern. Oh you guys are fucked, I’ve got +5 religion.

Nick: What does that mean? I have zero religion. I’m definitely going to steal from someone.

Kevin: I have more religion.

Aaron: But I’m a cleric, that’s a religious character! I should be more religious than you.

Kevin: Do our characters have a patience level?

Jordan: Everyone pick places where you are in this tavern.

People drop their character on the map to indicate where they are.

Aaron: Oh, it’s like Coyote Ugly, we’re all on top of the bar doing a dance.

Everyone moves their character on top of the bar, a la Coyote Ugly.

Nick: Yeah, I’m totally dropping dollars in your G-string. Or your plated mail, rather.

Clay: Well, I’m a lesbian so I’m alone. I’m not having fun.

Nick: So how am I associated with these people? Do we have a history?

Jordan: Well you’re associated somehow. It’s better for you to make up a history to give your character some flavor, but for ease of play, we’ll say you all know each other already.

Kevin: So we’re all Facebook friends already?

Aaron: Some of us are probably friends. I’m not friends with Clay though.

Jordan: Anyway, as a band of adventurers, you basically go out and do jobs for money or treasure. So you’re all hanging out at this bar, which is basically the center of social life in this small town.

Clay: Is this the Wild Rose? (a lesbian bar in Seattle)

Jordan: Sure, we’ll call it the Wild Rose, but it probably isn’t the kind of crowd you’re thinking of. So you guys are all just hanging out at the bar… or I guess on top of the bar. Your evening is interrupted when all of a sudden the front door of the bar splinters open with a loud yell and four big, scary-looking humanoid forms burst through. These four bust down the door, and one of them takes a big axe and chops down this man sitting in a chair closest the entrance.

The DM places four markers indicating these new creatures on the map.

Sean: That guy was my friend!

Jordan: Roll a Sadness Check.

Sean: What?

Jordan: I’m kidding. Your character is sad now. Anyway, in this game I give you the setup to everything — what stuff looks like, who is where, what people are saying — and then you need to tell me what you’d like to do. So, chaos is erupting in the bar as these four scary creatures bust down the door. What do you do?

Kevin: LET’S KILL THEM. EVERYONE.

Nick: Wait, wait. Maybe… maybe we can see what they want?

Clay: No.

Nick: Could I use some sort of skill to see what they’re pissed about. Like, just say, “Hey man, what’s goin’ on here?”

Jordan: You can do whatever the hell you want. You could make an Insight Check, which is your character attempting to divine a person’s motives, feelings, etc.

Nick: My character is trained in that. I’ll do that.

Nick rolls a 20 sided die.

Nick: I got an 18.

Jordan: You have a hard time sensing what they want, beyond some general desire to kill and destroy things. You do, however, see a big Red Hand tattooed on all their foreheads, and you recall overhearing a tavern patron talking about some Red Hand folks earlier in the night.

Kevin: Is that like a new band?

Nick: Can I ask them to play, uh, “Shaking Hand”?

Kevin: Okay, let’s fuck these dudes up.

A lengthy battle ensues, which is guided by very specific rules. Some terribly violent things occur, including the bar and bartender exploding in a giant ball of fire, magical spells whizzing around, Nick stealing everything off the bartender’s charred corpse while no one looks, and Clay hiding in the corner until everyone yells at him to do something. In the end, the party emerges victorious, though a little shaken at this seemingly random act of terrible violence.

The party decides to investigate by questioning some townsfolk, eventually discovering that the attack is part of an ongoing problem of raids by a local hobgoblin and his band of ruffians. And with that, the group embarks on their epic venture, much to the consternation of their real life friends and family.