Anaphora: A basic but effective strategy in which one prefaces each takedown attempt with the same move, preferably by throwing dust into the opponent’s eyes. Not to be confused with Antistrophe, in which one concludes each takedown by gratuitously throwing dust into the opponent’s eyes.

Aposiopesis: To cut short a trash-talking opponent mid-taunt by suplexing him. Can also be used in political debates.

Apostrophe: To shout “uncle” during a particularly painful hold.

Anacoluthon: A standard misdirection tactic, such as beginning an ankle pick, then inexplicably transitioning into a rhythmic dancing routine.

Cacophony: Any move that audibly breaks no fewer than three bones at the same time. Often followed by an Apostrophe.

Catachresis: To throw your opponent into the air like a javelin migrating south for the winter to join its feathered friends.

Chiasmus: To ride one’s opponent into the mat such that his naked, oil-covered body leaves a stain in the shape of an X. Only to be attempted in exhibition matches.

Euphemism: Executed while in the top position with a hirsute wrestler, an attempt to curry favor by complimenting an opponent’s “centauric” figure.

Hyperbaton: In no circumstances is this move to be executed in polite society.

Irony: A move pioneered by Socrates in which the wrestler strolls around the outside of the ring with an air of amused detachment before executing a devastating hip throw. Closely related is Aporia, in which one feigns early onset senility to gain an advantage.

Litotes: A not uninteresting move that is a less than pleasant experience when not done incorrectly. Not to be confused with Hyperbole, which is only the most awesome move ever.

Oxymoron: A grand amplitude throw that makes one’s opponent flatline.

Paraprosdokian: Attempted only by those wrestlers who can remember what this term means. Often used in combination with Anadiplosis and Hypallage.

Pleonasm: To continue to execute moves on one’s opponent after he has been pinned, rendered unconscious or killed. Often done ironically.

Polysyndeton: To repeatedly bang an opponent’s head on the mat while muttering a conjunction between each thud. Similar to Asyndeton, except in that case, no conjunctions are required.

Prolepsis: To do a victory dance before the match starts. A risky strategy that could backfire by angering opponents and raising the suspicions of bookies.

Simile: To bend the opponent into a human pretzel until he admits that his elbow is in fact like his knee after all.

Synecdoche: A zealous refusal to engage with anything other than the opponent’s forearm. A variant of Metonymy, in which one challenges a former champion by eating his laurel wreath.

Zeugma: To perform an arm bar such that the opponent’s limb is simultaneously incapacitated and appears to be waving to the crowd. One is subsequently free to slam him down and his door to victory shut.

Illustration by Patrick Phipps for The Bygone Bureau

A reminder to all subway riders from the MTA: if you drop any personal belongings onto the subway tracks, please do not jump into the subway tracks to retrieve them. Your safety is important to us. Stay alert, and thank you for using the MTA.

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Please do not offer money to anyone to jump into the subway tracks to retrieve your own dropped items. Thank you for your attention, and ride safely.

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Do not construct a makeshift fishing rod out of garbage and gum to “fish” for any dropped belongings on the subway track. If you’ve dropped your phone onto the subway tracks, please do not continue to play Temple Run on it with a long stick with a piece of warm meat at the end of it that simulates a human finger.

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Please do not attempt to convince others on the platform that your own dropped items belong to them and that they “really ought to hop on down there to get them.”

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Please do not use any kind of vacuuming device to suck up items that may have fallen on the track. Please do not give such devices vulgar nicknames.

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Please do not ask other commuters to retrieve dropped belongings from the track in an effort to convince them they would be a “Subway Hero” in doing so. Claiming to be a NY1 reporter live on the scene does not make such attempts less dubious.

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Please do not attempt to train subway rats to retrieve items from the subway tracks or to do anything else you consider “your bidding.”

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Please do not use grappling hooks and a system of pulleys to lower yourself into the subway tracks to retrieve dropped items. Offering rides on said pulley system, using the slogan “Come thread the needle!” is prohibited.

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It is prohibited to push anyone into the subway tracks just so you can ask them to pick up anything of yours that may have fallen onto the tracks.

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Please do not push anyone onto the subway tracks so that a “Subway Hero” can rescue them and, in the process, retrieve your dropped items that are on the subway track.

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Please do not bring into the subway station dogs, pigeons, monkeys or other higher primates that have been trained to retrieve items you’ve dropped on the tracks and/or to battle the rats that have usurped your former authority over them..

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Please be aware that, though not prohibited, attempts to use telekinesis have proven to be ineffective in trying to remove dropped belongings on the track or to re-exert control over the newly self-aware rat population, who are learning to cope with emerging reasoning skills, free will, and a knowledge of their own mortality.

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Please be aware that lowering magnets into the subway track in an attempt to retrieve non-metal belongings has proven to be ineffective.

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Attention: wearing a cowboy hat does not give you the authority to lasso property that has fallen onto the subway tracks or to capture any of your escaped monkeys who were trained to fight against the insurgent rat colonies.

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This is an important announcement from the MTA: please do not try to retrieve belongings that have fallen onto the tracks. All dropped property belongs to the rats, as negotiated in the peace treaty at the Battle of Sixth Avenue and 14th Street.