So, finding the right apartment: not as easy as it looks. You’re undoubtedly nodding your head in concurrence. Let me spell out a few pointers for you so you can stop nodding. I’ll begin here, so make sure to read this paragraph.

First, you need to impress the property manager. Whatever their name, size, or gender, give them a firm shake: “I’m a confident apartment-seeking individual” is the feeling you want emanating from your body parts. After memorizing this, things get a little more complicated so I’ve split my how-to into several parts. If you have not experienced significant elucidation by this point, I suggest re-reading this paragraph.

Getting Out of Your Current Apartment

Photo by Jason Eppink

If you’re like ninety-nine percent of all unsuccessful people, your “apartment” is barely classifiable as such. You’re a filthy human monster and your living space reflects this sorry state. Say this out loud for reinforcement.

If your apartment were a person, you’d probably end its life out of sympathy. Unfortunately for you, someone actually owns this place, so you have the prodigal task of cleaning it. The goal here is to make sure the owner never wonders “why did I ever rent to you?” or “why do I own such a terrible place?”

My professional advice is this: start early, and start small. A month before you move out, buy a big pack of sponges, around 20 should be fine. Leave them everywhere around the apartment. Then each day when you pass by a sponge, give each area a little sponge-swipe. By the time moving day rolls around, you’ll have sponge-rubbed most areas of the apartment. How easy is that? I’m a professional.

Even after all that cleaning, you’re going to have to adopt a certain finesse when the landlord comes to inspect. That hole in the wall? Oh, it was there before we moved in. I almost cut myself on it, but it’s okay that you never fixed it — I won’t tell anyone. I didn’t make that stain either, it was my roommate Cindy. I’ll give you her phone number so you can get that all sorted out. You’ll likely get dinged for a couple things here and there. Accept them. You need to pick your battles. But the ones you do, emphasize that A) none of it is your fault, and B) all of it is someone else’s fault. Probably Cindy’s fault; she was never a very clean person, and why isn’t she here with you? She must be irresponsible, similar to whoever would put a stain in that carpet. If things get a little out of control, cry a little.

Getting into a New Apartment

Photo by Gabriel Saldana

In a recession, it’s perfectly okay to move back in with the parents. But don’t be proud of it either — in fact, it should be a little shameful, but rest assured that everyone understands your current situation and once you get back on your feet you’ll be okay so there’s no worry that people are judging you it’s totally fine parents are great isn’t it nice to be home?

Or you could act like a grown-up and find your own place. First, you need to recognize that the amazing apartment of your dreams is out of your reach. So let’s set the bar a little lower. A little bit lower than that. Just a tad more. Think “Tijuana spring break hotel room,” with a washer and dryer if you’re lucky. That’s the kind of place you should start searching for.

But I’m not going to say that anything goes. You can have a few standards. Here’s a quick checklist to use when looking for a new apartment:

• Do you have a pet? Haven’t you always wanted a pet?
• How much money will you have to pay when they find out you have a pet?
• Is it on the first floor? How often do you want to be robbed?
• Did you know that people in England might say “burgled” instead of “robbed”? That’s awfully strange.

And that’s all you need to care about. When inspecting a potential new apartment, don’t over-think these things too much. If you get flustered, just nod your head: up to down, or left to right. Either works, but I wouldn’t mix up the two.

Roommates: What’s the Deal?

Photo by Jonathan Warner

Good question that you asked about roommates. Well, the deal is that you’ll be living with them. Roommates are people who live together, in the same apartment. But most of the time they live in different rooms — I’d say that’s about 90% of the case. Maybe even 92% of the case.

You’ll be associating with them all the time — more than you probably care to, so choose wisely. By the end of your living situation, your other friends won’t be able to see you as an individual person, but rather as a mass of amalgamated, roommate-goo that once had multiple minds but now share similar speaking, sleeping, and eating habits.

There are significant benefits to having a roommate. So when you ask yourself “roommates: what’s the big deal?” or “friends: do I have them?” remember that more roommates will make the cost of apartment living cheaper. So in conclusion to the “roommates: what’s the deal?” question, the answer is “get one or two.”

And that’s everything you need to know about renting an apartment. Don’t worry about thanking me, I’m professionally recognized.

Minecraft invites players into a world without a story or purpose. When you start a game, your character is plopped in the middle of a randomly generated island. Then you go do things. The things you do are entirely up to you.

In single-player mode, the game is startlingly isolating. Running through Minecraft alone is a private, introspective experience. And because there isn’t a core story or purpose to the game, the central cause is only known — and invented — by the player. In the same way people naturally see images in clouds, the blank canvass of Minecraft allows players to jump into something they imagine themselves. You could build giant underground labyrinths, explore the world, or do nothing of the sort. And none of these paths lead to any character development, so there’s no sense of ever falling behind.

A number of freeform games have cropped up lately, particularly from indie developers, which signal a small but growing backlash against the hyper-linear, cinematic tales typical of larger game studios. Minecraft’s visual style further separates it from the mainstream; the gameworld and all its inhabitants are rendered in low-fi blocky graphics that provide little in the way of aesthetics, but suit the game’s harvesting-and-building gameplay perfectly.

Recent titles like Thatgamecompany’s flOw and Flower did away with distinct player objectives before Minecraft, but none of its precursors generated the same incredible amount of enthusiasm and sales. Minecraft was originally developed by one person, Marcus “Notch” Persson, and though the game is still in alpha it has already sold over 600,000 copies and has 2 million registered users. In the same way that Apple’s app store allows individuals to make huge profits from simple, cheap apps, Minecraft shows that the future of indie gaming is brighter — and more profitable — than ever.

And yet it’s still odd that Minecraft is so successful — in an age of MMORPGs and socially-focused community gaming, Minecraft encourages players to literally hide in a hole and produce gaming experiences that only belong to them.

I could have sat in my hidey-hole until the end of eternity. I wouldn’t be playing the game wrong if I did that.

My very first project was to develop a massive slip ’n slide cavern using the underground river I discovered. It took me a while to mine the stairs and platforms to the depth necessary for the task, but Minecraft can easily become one of those “just one more X” games that compels players to exhaust themselves physically in pursuit of a digital goal. It wasn’t until I found myself in a deep pit at the bottom of my cave, torches reaching up hundreds of feet above me, that I felt completely isolated in something I had created. It’s a computer game, of course, but no other has made me feel so comfortably alone.

The following are the best and the worst (and there are many bad ones from which to choose). I have also included special categories for less recognized areas of Gaga study: the multitrack Gaga video, the Gaga choreography video, and the endlessly awful Gaga parody videos. I have also highlighted some particularly insightful user comments in italics underneath certain videos.

I compiled this list for future generations. Cherish it.

The Best

Culled from countless hours of, sitting through mostly terrible renditions of Lady Gaga’s music, are these twenty covers that are (probably) worth your time. They are all praise-worthy is certain ways. It turns out some people can actually sing on YouTube. Or if they can’t sing, then at least they can entertain.

20. Screeching Crowpeoples Do Gaga a Cappella (Medley)

Their singing definitely isn’t as good as some of the thousand-trillion other a cappella Lady Gaga videos on YouTube, but they’ve got heart. They dress up and prance around, and they’re not too annoying about it.

19. Hot Man on YouTube. Oh, and Plays Lady Gaga. (“Bad Romance”)

Let’s be honest here: this cover isn’t really great. But he is very attractive, which somehow makes it okay for me to post this. And look at that fruit display on his coffee table! What a creative, talented young man.

MissUmeko: A very handsome, muscular, fabby sex god able to play the piano…melts my heart. <3

18. French Guy Is Trying So Hard to Be Adorable (“Bad Romance”)

Isn’t it cute that he can’t really speak English well? And that he’s doing an acoustic version of “Bad Romance”? I’m a little torn between his moderate talent and his obvious attempt to attract an audience of adoring fans with his lilting Frenchie voice. Oh, I guess he can do that French part of the song pretty well though.

Demented888peng: So Fucking WHITE!

17. R&B “Paparazzi” Isn’t Too Awful

I limited myself to including only one beatbox cover, which I have below, but this one is both beatbox and sassy singing so I’m going to give it a pass. The thing about both “Paparazzi” and “Speechless” is that they require a talented singer. Fortunately, this guy has a pretty good range and can shape the song into something that works for him. That beatbox guy seems a little useless, but I’ll let it slide.

itspolaris: go on american idol!!! hahaha.. yo ur partner got mad skills with the beatboxin’ :P

16. Mediocre Singer Copes Pretty Well (“Bad Romance”)

The thing that I appreciate about this cover is that the singer recognizes his skills and doesn’t try to go beyond them. Not that he’s a bad singer; he’s pretty good. But he’s able to take his natural range and alter the song to suit it. His vocal tricks aren’t over-the-top nor outside of his ability, so the result is a perfectly pleasing cover, except for the ending, which is a little ridiculous. My only beef is that he’s playing in a house that looks eerily similar to my grandmother’s. Someone needs to turn on HGTV stat.

XxOMG: AreYouSeriousxX xD I have a friend named Josh. :P i wonder if he can sing tho… IDK. but nice job!

15. Questioning Young Lady Needs Gaga for Emotional Outlet (“Bad Romance”)

I can’t even begin to tell you how many acoustic “Bad Romance” covers I slogged through when researching this article. For every ten videos uploaded to YouTube, one is a shitty “Bad Romance” cover. I’ve never found “Bad Romance” acoustics to be terribly interesting, but this girl’s version is fairly decent, which is saying a lot.

loganandcompany: I HATE THE NEW YOUTUBE LAYOUT

14. Nostril-Inclined Non-Sexual Male “Partners” Sing “Speechless”

So that quality isn’t so great, and their pitch is a little shaky, but overall it’s pretty impressive. And of course, because they’re straight non-sexual life-friends, they changed the genders of the lyrics to inform everyone of that.

saglix: i admire your nostrils!

13. Likely Serial Killer/Anime Enthusiast Sings “Paparazzi”

This guy tries for the semi-whispering emo piano ballad, and it works, but in a creepy way. I may be that I’m just not a fan of pulled back hair. Oh, and when he stares at the camera at 1:33 I felt like he was going to come kill me. Because I’m the paparazzi. So this is pretty good, but jesus god don’t watch his “Poker Face” cover.

nicky15e: I think someone is dead around here.

12. Semi-Famous YouTuber Would Also Like to Try Lady Gaga (Medley)

Sam Tsui is fairly well known on YouTube, so this probably isn’t a surprising video. He can sing decently, which therefore qualifies him for this list. But the most important question, which all his anxious fans frequently ponder, is this: is Sam Tsui gay?! No way. Lady Gaga medleys are for everyone, come on. But you will notice, however, that he doesn’t change the gender type in the lyrics like every other completely secure heterosexual man on YouTube.

bassretard: it’s so gay and so cool at the same time.

11. Several Indonesians, Including One with Talent, Sing “Just Dance”

I think this is the only “Just Dance” cover on this entire list, mainly because it’s not a particularly fun song to cover. However, these folks make a pretty good effort. Well, let me rephrase that: there’s clearly only one talented person here, which is the guy. And despite a rough start from the girls, the guy is able to carry the whole thing through with his beats and voice. The others are largely useless.

simonote: the guy is hot. and i dont wanna talk abt the girls. :(

10. The Beatboxing “Bad Romance” Video that Everyone (Including Your Mother) Has Seen

I did make a note of trying to find lesser known Lady Gaga videos (I am a dedicated researcher to my area of study), but this one is still noteworthy. Two girls sing “Bad Romance” fairly well and then introduce some “hip beats” that young children are so fond of these days. My only concern is whether that wall is structurally sound, because she’s hitting it with mad beats.

MrsJonasNicholas: Ok for one well i cant help my opion and for two if your gonna call somebody a hater maybe check your self first . i have my own opion and so do other peole

9. Friendless Kid Makes “Poker Face” Rock Version

This is something I’ve heard before. Basically this kid added guitar, bass, and drums over the original song. Hearing Lady Gaga sing is a little strange, but he’s arranged the whole thing pretty well, especially the drums. He also has a cover of Rihanna’s “Hard” on his YouTube channel, in case you don’t think that song sucks.

2wakko: what’s with the shag carpet?

8. Amish People Think Lady Gaga is Alright (“Telephone”)

A bunch of Amish hipsters decide it’ll be funny to make a country rock cover of “Telephone.” Normally I would immediately dismiss their attempt, but this is fairly enjoyable. Except for that Asian girl in the mix, she really breaks the whole “country bumpkin” feel.

bevgrant2008: Love it! I had no idea what the lyrics were in the Gaga version:-)

7. Adorable Manchild Leaves Us “Speechless”

I wasn’t really expecting much from this one, so this was a pleasant surprise. “Speechless” is easily one of the best Lady Gaga songs to cover because it’s so easy to change up, and he does it well. Also, he occasionally looks around in a confused fashion, which adorable because he’s small. The only downside is the atrocious lighting, which makes him look cancer stricken.

l1ar1: so strange attitude … strange tember but it doesn’t sound bad theres nothing bad in being homosexual :) just saying

6. Hawaiian Man Sings Like a Hawaiian, but It Works Somehow (“Bad Romance”)

Second most surprising video on this list. Mostly because “Bad Romance” acoustic covers are almost exclusively vomit-inducing, but this one wasn’t. His pleasant, Hawaiian-tinted voice transported me to a warm island full of slowly swaying, lush palm trees. And even though it was a bad romance, it just felt so nice.

28iAD77: I love this ‘laid back’ version :)

5. It’s Cool When Hipsters Try Out Lady Gaga Too (“Telephone”)

Everything about this is fine, except that the girl’s eyes creep me the fuck out. Like, stop staring at me, right now please. Anyway, this duo is part of the small YouTube group of indie groups that like to take pop music and turn it all weird and shit. I guess that’s okay, because this turned out pretty well. I think I like their “Single Ladies” video the best though.

cheezymint: I love pomplamoose, but her expression…AGH

4. Commie Guitar Genius Does “Poker Face”

Just kidding, he says he’s from the Netherlands so he’s just a socialist. This would instantly disqualify him if this were a giant list about things Teabaggers hate, but fortunately it’s not. This is probably one of the most enjoyable “Poker Face” covers, because of both the expertise and the creative liberties he took. The video itself is somewhat bland though, unless you love staring at red velvet curtains and men with long hair. He has a “Bad Romance” cover as well, but it’s not quite as catchy.

lisanti42: how is it possible you have Lady Gaga versions and NO Pearl Jam, or even Oasis? , Nevertheless, I LOVE YOUR TALENT

3. Classical “Telephone” Makes Song About Cellphones Epic

This is great. I appreciate that the essential “Telephone” bits are there, but creative liberties are taken. The result is a song that rides up and down between quieter moments dominated by the piano and then swelling to the essential “Telephone” chorus. I also tried pretty hard to find something I could joke about. All I found is that the cellist looks kinda like Britney Spears.

TheeCoolOne: i think all the chicks in the video are hot. hard to say which ones the hottest. like picking your favorite skittle, you love all of them.

2. Pitchfork-spawned Indie Thrall Does “Bad Romance”

Lissie is some relatively unknown singer who started appearing on every cool indie music site in the last month because of this cover of “Bad Romance.” But seriously I saw this video when there were only a couple thousand hits, so like, I discovered her or whatever. If you’re a first-time listener, her talent really hits when she builds up to the chorus. Until then, you’ll have to watch her make weird faces with her mouth. But really, Lissie has got some major talent. This is a cover I could actually listen when I’m not being sad and surfing YouTube.

murilopp: in that part “i want your psycho, your vertigo stick” i close my eyes and i see gaga singing!!! your voice is amazing!!!!

1. Least Likely Video to be Good is Actually Great (“Bad Romance”)

You know what? Fuck you, I think this cover is great. It encapsulates everything that a YouTube cover should be. Some anonymous person with a shitty webcam does something unexpected. Not only does she cover “Bad Romance,” which is one of the more difficult Gaga songs to cover well, but manages to take it in an different direction. The pixilated webcam and poor sound quality make the production hazy while her hoarse vocals give the song a melancholic tinge. The awful lighting increases the shadows in the lines of her face, giving her a pouty, sad look. All of the effects of this video just make it that much better. It turns the song from an aggressive assertion of sexual power to an Alanis Morissette-like dirge of desperate love.

thu189: a lot of peple are fat and they sing gooder than the skinner wierd huh

The Worst

There are so many awful covers on YouTube — I know you don’t believe me — that I simply selected the ones that were outstandingly awful. Like, really bad.

15. Emo Rocker Wants People to Like Him (“Paparazzi”)

This is actually isn’t half bad, but he’s also a professional singer. My main beef is with his hair, which takes up the top 50% of the video screen. I’m also not a fan of his crying fit that starts around 2:14, or his strange emphases on words that don’t need to be emphasized.

14. Jared Leto Fucks Something Up (“Bad Romance”)
Putting this cover in the “Worst” category is going to be controversial, but I stand by my decision. Reasoning: I know without a doubt that when Leto was singing this, he was wearing eyeliner and crying into his tear-stained edition of Anne Sexton’s complete works, which is something I disapprove of.

Visrale: LOL im sorry this is just exceedingly shitty and I’ve been a fan of theirs for a while. This is just like…why would you even attempt this?

13. I Like the Part When He Isn’t Singing (“Paparazzi”)

This video is funny because he lurvs Lady Gaga so much he has minor seizures whenever he hears the song. And then he starts singing, which is when you can turn it off.

marner94: theres nothing funnier as a gay black guy hahah XD

12. Little Gaysian Makes Me Uncomfortable (“Bad Romance”)

Jesus Christ this is the worst thing ever. The super overdone video effects, terrible singing (and audio effects to go with it), I can’t speak anymore about this. Expect that it makes me very uncomfortable to watch. Something about little boys singing “you know that I want you” makes me feel strange.

sexymochick: U R CUTE IF U R A BOY

11. Writhing Lady Needs to Shampoo More Frequently (“Telephone”)

This interesting lady is the only YouTube user to be featured twice on this list. Her other Gaga video, a multitrack medley, is actually very good. This one is not. Slowly singing “Telephone” is dreary in itself, but then we’re forced to watch her flail around for the entire duration of the video. The result is a song completely out of context and then made tediously slow.

MrThudley: Great video coreographics! :3

10. A Cappella Group Is Not Funny, Don’t Try to Convince Me Otherwise (“Poker Face”)
I really wanted to like this video, and it’s fairly popular with about 2 million views, but it’s really not that funny. Basically the entire joke is that a bunch of (likely) straight men wouldn’t usually sing “Poker Face,” but then they do! And then they decide to act all gay which is also unexpected and surprising! The gay hands are hilarious.

lestattop: brilliant , although she is not so queer on stage, because she is all woman, they dance like gaga´s dancers

9. Ear-Bleeding Piano Rendition of “Paparazzi”

All you need to do is move your video slider to 2:50 and then you’ll agree with me.

phoenixmalibu: you’re denying your sexuality.

8. Gayby Sings Gaga With a Banana, Mom Encourages Behavior (Bad Romance)

He is so bluffin’ with his muffin. He’s pretty expert with the finger snapping, but something about the constant fat jiggling makes me uncomfortable. Also, that guy in underwear who walks by at 1:13… What kind of unholy household is this, pray tell?

Valca000: was that a queef?????

7. Most Boring Cover of “Bad Romance” Ever Is Apparently Popular

God this is so fucking boring. This Asian “singer” manages to make “Bad Romance” into a slow, lifeless pustule of a song. At the end he apologizes for an “emo” song. So that’s nice, I guess.

Duracelpupu: basically just horrible… keep your dayjob

6. Drag Queens Make “Telephone” Video Even More Disgusting

This isn’t really a cover, and more like a parody, but I don’t really care about categories, and neither do these drag queens. “Telephone” was already pretty raunchy, but they took it to another level. If Weird Al was a horny cross-dresser, this might be an equivalent. The production values are pretty high quality, but it’s just a terribly gross rendition. Except for a couple one liners (“Why did we kill everyone?”), there aren’t a huge number of laughs. There is a shakeweight involved later in the video though.

nixxiadele: you really are great, made me laugh, congratulations. And mention AT & T and I have a one lol

5. Taylor Swift Robots Screeching “Bad Romance”

The thing about “Bad Romance” is that it’s a dirty, loud, and real song, okay? So when you do cover it with a guitar and two little girls, it sounds like a Dixie Chicks song, which is awful. “Bad Romance” should be loud and full of yelling. And because they also covered “Fireflies” by Owl City: fuck that.

xmissypx1999: People need to get themselves to the doctors if they thought that was bad. U both rock ! WOW! i have been sitting here for HOURS listening to all your songs over and over again. :) :) . you have made my day!

4. Overconfident Douchebag Wears Sunglass and Tie (“Poker Face”)

Even if this guy had an incredible singing ability, I would still hate this cover. He has sunglasses on and he’s indoors. Girl please.

Dayylovsmusic: you’re retarded.

3. Naked Gay Fondles an Apple, Sings Gaga (“Bad Romance”)
Apparently it’s quite common to eat apples and have sex, according to this terrible cover. From the moment he turned his semi-bearded face towards, I knew this was going to be one of the worst. The singing isn’t the worst thing here (it’s not really that bad), rather it’s the video I simply can’t let pass. He starts smearing lipstick over himself (is he hungry?) halfway through, which is when I basically stopped watching and left the room until it was over.

firey768: This is a beautifully tragic rendition! I love it! you are truely amazing!

2. The Most Annoying Person on the Planet Has a YouTube Channel (“Bad Romance”)

If this person walked past me on the street, I would grab the nearest Teabagger, take their shotgun, and use it on this screeching rat person. This is so beyond awful I can’t even speak about it anymore, so please never mention this to me again. Judging by the comments, I think there might be an understanding that this person has a mental disability. So, um, sorry if that turns out to be true.

hayliejade: You Improved SO SO much since the last time I saw your vids ! You are amazing and gifted

1. Terrifying Ginger Covers “Paparazzi”

“Paparazzi” can be a great song to cover, but people can also easily overdramatize the song. Everything about this cover is dreadful, but let me start with the hair. Um, ew? And EVERYONE: go to 1:37 and tell you didn’t just gag after watching that part, because I did. And that tinkling piano. And the creepy staring. Ugh, it’s just all so awful.

AlanAlfredoSauce: It’s trippin’ me out how he’s looking directly at me.

Special Category: Lady Gaga Multitracks

This is where sad people on YouTube decide to one-up other sad people on YouTube by making not one but several videos and then combining them into one multi-track video. Strangely, they can be very compelling because it’s like you’re watching one video, but more.

5. A Capella Multitrack Medley Confuses Me

So much going on here, but the arrangement seems to work. Also, they can sing, which is always a huge plus on YouTube. I think this has the lowest number of views of all the videos in this article (340), which is probably due to the boring picture.

Dudge1992: Wow that was pretty sick, nice voice omg you deserve as much hits as those black beat boxing girls geez.

4. This Guy Thinks Sunglasses Will Make Him Sing Better (“Poker Face”)
This blows. I’m not going to lie, I included this to shore up the multitrack category. Not completely necessary to watch, unless you think guys with red shirts singing “Poker Face” are cool. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

barenmoose: You could attempt to add additional parts to create harmonies that are not in the original version, something non-harmony minded artists don’t do.

3. Emo Rocker Decides He Also Likes Gaga (“Paparazzi”)

This one is really interesting, because there are so many good reasons to fucking hate it. First, the terrible colors and video effects. Second, the emo rock noise. But “Paparazzi” lends well to broad interpretation (unlike, say the fifty trillion similar “Poker Face” acoustic videos). So, this one actually sounds pretty good.

MilesprowerTails1: Good job you said girl instead of boy cause if yoy said boy it would been pretty gay.

2. Asian / Indian Orange Lady Does Multitrack (Medley)

Despite the blinding orange / green contrast here, this lady simply blows all the other multitracks out of the water with a MULTITRACK MEDLEY of Lady Gaga. That’s right: not only are there five videos here, but there are four songs as well. Wow. Oh, also she sings pretty well.

betopilinski: What is the name of this program you to do these mount?

1. Unintelligible Robot Babbling Sounds Like Lady Gaga (“Bad Romance”)

It might be a little grating to listen to, but this is one of my favorite Lady Gaga YouTube videos. This sad, illiterate troglodyte of a man has attempted to communicate in the only way he knows how (ghastly, barbaric noises) in order to share his love of The Lady. And even though his embarrassing attempt at singing doesn’t make much sense, we all still know it’s “Bad Romance.” Also, props for the surely agonizing editing process and the sweet outfits.

rtuiy9898: that is kool but the wig and the weird black lipstick and those weird goggle things r pretty freakin disturbing. and the weird eye stuff when ur wearing the wig and the red cap? one word. FREAKY. but good video anyways. o yea, 1 more thing, arent you afraid that one day, you’ll be wearing the red face mask that COMPLETELY COVERS UR FACE and suddenly find out its stuck and you suffocate 2 death? Im just saying. But anyways and again, great vid.

Special Category: Choreographed Lady Gaga

I wouldn’t be exaggerating when I say there is a whole other realm of YouTube dedicated to people — mostly fat — dancing to Lady Gaga.

5. Sparklemotion Attempts Lady Gaga, Fails (“Bad Romance”)

If you somehow manage to make it past the :30 second mark without shitting your pants from boredom, then their catatonic dance-slumber will surely do you in. My favorite parts are when the “popular girl” gets her own cut scenes with the wind blowing back her hair. My second favorite part is when they dance in front of the boy in the chair, who was likely forced to be there because her sister is one of the dancers. Also, the black girl is clearly annoyed and has had it with all this shit.

toxicdanii: Oh dear, sorry but thats possibly the worst thing ive ever seen. Like something you would do if you were 8.

4. Vampire Gay-sian and His Slut-Squad Squirm Around (“Bad Romance”)

Bad Romance definitely seems to be the pick for Lady Gaga YouTube choreography. In this little gem, a strange asian man and a squad of sassy women dance pretty well. Their dancing is spot on, but it’s a bit robotic.

Enfamille16: CONGRATULATION!! My name is Olivier, I am French and I really spent a very good moment by looking at your clip.

3. Motherfucking Sims 2 Do Motherfucking Lady Gaga (“Bad Romance”)

Because someone took the time to do this entire thing, including Lady Gaga’s plastic-wrapped boobs. On the downside, it’s still The Sims 2, so she peed herself halfway through because a chair was blocking her path.

PENTEADOASSIS: ellenpenteadoassis muito daora

2. A Bunch of Single Ladies Do “Bad Romance”

On first glance, you love the energy from the lady in teal, but then you realize you really just love watching the far left one. And then you wonder how such a mismatched group (including Amy Winehouse) met and decided to do this. And then you wait until 3:03 and you really start laughing.

kharlosangel: I LOVED IT!!!! KISSES GIRLSSSSS!!!!

1. Superhuman Children Dance Insanely (“Telephone”)
Apparently this is some dance class showing off on YouTube, but these kids are crazy good. That kid in red is the next Beyonce. And that girl in purple be real.

KenLushhSayss: dopee as fuckk

Special Category: Parody Videos

I have never seen a Lady Gaga parody video that’s genuinely good. Lady Gaga tends to be so over-the-top anyway that it’s really hard to out-do her. It’s like she’s already beat YouTube at its own game. “Bad Romance” is definitely the most popular parodied video, but give “Telephone” some time and I think we’ll expect some competition.

5. Skantily-clad Homosexuals Having Lady Gaga Time (“Bad Romance”)

Because this is what they do in their homes. I enjoy that giant belt and their awful dancing. And you could not find tighter jeans than those on the chesty fur-vest man.

awachinala: i dont wanna know how they celebrated after making the video.

4. Kid Forced to Do Lady Gaga Parody by Parents, Just Wants a Cheeseburger (“Bad Romance”)

This is only funny for the first ten seconds when he has a minor seizure upon hearing Lady Gaga’s glorious crescendo. But after that, feel free to quit watching.

PurpleTheDog: WEll like– not all who like her are gay – but all gays like her.. so i think that makes it look like ONLY gays like her- and the rest are thought to be gay too.. but — idk.. i think most are— NOT ALL.. but most..

3. Big Gurlz Fallin’ Down Is Always Funny (“Paparazzi”)

Gloria is a pretty well known on YouTube (and The George Lopez Show), so this is probably already seen by most Gaga scholars. And even though my favorite Gloria movie is her Kate Gosselin, this one is pretty good too.

nachopeanut18: I love the finger in the mouth thing, :]

2. Crazed Shut-in Desperately Pleads for Help. And Dances. (“Bad Romance”)

Oh, she would be from Luther College. This silly lady somehow attempts to parody “Bad Romance” by including a fake book that’s called “Romance Novel,” (HAHA GET IT), but she really just wants to strip to her underwear and be weird. Which is totally fine by me because it’s still funnier than most Gaga parodies.

jax9715: u beeped some stuff but no offence it wasnt better n u needed back up dancers

1. Autotuned Little Shit Sings Gaga, But Still Kinda Funny (“Bad Romance”)

This little kid sings about Thanksgiving, Lady Gaga style. He’s completely obnoxious, but when there are so many parodies of Gaga it’s the creativity that counts. His lyrics are actually kind of funny, expect those uncomfortable moaning noises.

StraightUpFailz: If i ever saw you, i’d punch you in the fucken jaw

The Cast

Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Sasha Fierce, a female (lesbian) Elf Avenger
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter
Daniel as… Lorilla, a female Gnome Bard
Lucinda as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin

The team arranges their figurines on the map to prepare for the fight.

Dungeon Master: The two fiery bats swoop over you, and then curiously sail right past you over your heads. They continue off into the distance, toward the direction you are going.

Lucinda: Oh.

Sean, somehow bereft of context, rushes to the table.

Sean: Who’s fighting?! I’m gonna kill someone.

The DM rolls some dice behind his screen.

It’s my turn actually. After you all watch the two bats sail off, Clay, you suddenly feel your throat being grabbed by a slimy, barbed appendage. You seize up in panic. Take 11 damage and your character has been grabbed, which means you’re immobile until you wrestle out of its hold. Lucinda, you feel the same thing, you’re also being attacked. Take 8 and you’re also grabbed.

Clay: Ouch!

Lucinda looks at Kevin’s figurine on the board.

Lucinda: Haha, you’re going to get raped.

Kevin: Why?

Lucinda points out the new monster that appeared next to him.

Another clawed arm reaches out and grabs you, Kevin. You take 6 damage and are grabbed.

Lucinda: Okay, it’s my turn. What the fuck? What is happening?

You angle your head to glance at your attackers. They’re humanoid looking, but they are grayish in color. Sort of like those things from The Descent. They have very long, bendy looking arms with scary tentacle claws at the end. Lucinda, your character is grabbed, so you can try to strong arm your way out of their grab, or you can attack, just not move.

Kevin: Wait. Wait. Does anyone know what element these creatures are? Like, what would be super effective against them? Because I’m a psychic Pokémon.

Clay: These guys seem like natural creepy cave dwellers.

Sean: Use Dungeoneering.

Kevin rolls a 19.

These are called Chokers. They usually hide in the shadows and then strike at opportune times. They have really sticky tentacles that make it easy for them to grab their foes.

Kevin: Well then. I’ll use Light. On its eyes.

Aaron: You should use it on the bat, then it’ll be blinded.

Kevin: No Aaron, bats use echolocation!

Nick: Yeah, just don’t respond when it talks to you, then you’ll be invisible.

Lucinda: Okay, I’m going to do Dragon Breath.

Lucinda’s Dragon-born character uses her racial ability and blows a cone of spitting fire in the Choker’s face.

Nick: I would like to try to cut off one of his tentacles.

Nick rolls to attack. He gets a 17.

As you move in to strike, the Choker moves his grabbed victim — Kevin — in front of him, who suddenly feels a sharp pain in his back.

Nick: What?!

Nick rolls damage.

Nick: Oh shit. Well, thankfully I only rolled maximum damage, so take 16.

Kevin: Seriously? I’d rather be choked.

Nick: Don’t worry, you’re still being choked.

Daniel: And now that he’s weakened, you can steal from him too.

Kevin: I’m renaming my character “Meatshield.”

Sean: I’m attacking.

Sean’s dwarf swings his axe at the nearest tentacle monster.

The Choker blocks the attack by putting Lucinda in harm’s way.

Sean: Oh. I didn’t know that.

Kevin: Did you just do the same thing?

Lucinda: Yes… but to me…

Sean: This isn’t going to be good. I hack Lucinda for 11 damage.

Clay: Where’s the cleric? Help us. Please?

All of a sudden, from out of the darkness, two nearly human-sized flapping creatures dive down and attack the group. They are on fire, so you suspect they might be the ones you originally encountered.

Kevin: Flapping creatures are always the worst.

Lucinda: Fapping?

Nick: How does he, like, go to sleep and stuff?

Despite Kevin asking “am I dead yet?” every turn, the group manages to keep everyone alive. The bats were surprisingly easy to take down, despite being winged balls of flame. After some more stabbing issues, the heroes manage to break free from the Chokers long enough to take them down one at a time. The party decides to push on without rest. Though a little ragged, they push on deeper into the cavern.

Kevin: I use my History skill on the cave!

Aaron: Critical History hit.

It’s… rocky.

Nick: Wow, your scholarship is just… unbelievable.

So you’re walking, walking along when all of a sudden something happens. I’ll tell you what that is as soon as Lucinda, who is in front, makes a Reflex Check.

Lucinda rolls.

Okay, so you had thought you were on solid ground, but you feel the earth shift beneath you as it caves in on itself, revealing a wide hole. Had you known more about caves, you might’ve noticed that, but you just fell right through.

Nick: Was this a planned trap or just like, uh, weakness in the cave?

Kevin: I’m sorry; I just studied the history of this cave.

So Lucinda needs to make an Acrobatics Check to avoid the hole.

Lucinda: Oh fuck. I’m wearing huge armor, so I get a big penalty on this.

Lucinda rolls again. She gets a 15.

Okay, well you break some of the fall. You fall 30 feet and take 7 damage.

Lucinda: Oh. That’s not too bad.

Aaron: And then the huge spikes hit you.

Lucinda: Okay, so I land. Is this just a pit, or…

It’s a bit damp down here, a couple inches of water and a path leading into the darkness.

Nick: Can we go forward with this obstruction?

The rest of the group can’t go forward unless they jump over.

Kevin: I’m going to spit down there. Okay, actually, I’m gonna jump. Nobody stop me. Please.

Kevin rolls.

Kevin: Ten.

You make it over, but then your foot falls, but you catch yourself with your hands and pull yourself up.

Kevin: This must be an Uncharted reference.

Daniel rolls next.

You do a running jump, but then your foot trips and you fall straight down.

Daniel: Ouch.

Nick: God, you’re so bad at this game.

Okay you need to make an Acrobatics Check to break your fall.
Daniel rolls a three.

Kevin: Lucinda will break your fall. With her sword.

Nick: You land on your head. And you’re paralyzed. You’ll need a wheelchair. Roll a Physical Therapy Check.

Something like that. Take 27 damage.

Clay: Oh my god.

Daniel: I’m still alive! Barely.

Clay: I roll!

Clay rolls a 9.

Clay makes it across.

Nick rolls high.

Nick: As I cartwheel across the chasm, I yell “you suck!” at the injured people below.

Aaron rolls a 3 and falls into the pit.

Aaron: Shut up!

There are so many other things you could’ve done to get across this besides blindly jumping. Like, you could’ve thrown Clay a rope so he can stake it down and then you’d have something to hold onto. Or stake something into the rock… like, so many things.

Kevin: Ropes are for pussies!

Nick: Well said.

With the whole party either across the chasm or in pain in the hole below, they decide their next path.

Nick: So we probably need to get a rope so they can climb up here.

Lucinda: Or you guys can come down?

Kevin: But we worked so hard to get up here.

Lucinda: But there are more of us down here.

Kevin: I’m just saying, I’ve seen horror movies and nobody survives by splitting up.

Clay: Okay well my character is sneaky, so he’s going to stealth up around this passage to see what’s down here.

Okay, well you creep forward into the passage. The water gets a little deeper. Now make an Acrobatics Check.

Clay: Oh no, a hole!

Okay, well you’re wading in the water—

Nick: Star Wars garbage compactor.

—and the ground beneath you is gone, so you plunge into the water. You’re swimming and you make a big splash.

Clay: Okay, I stop and I listen.

You hear a noise a distance away, like something diving into the water.

Clay: I run away! I run back to my friends and tell them there’s something in the water.

The group decides to scramble up. They climb the ropes. The last person, Clay, spots a large figure lumbering towards him in the darkness. He climbs faster.

Kevin: Well, I’m getting ready to cut the rope in case Clay isn’t fast enough.

Clay makes it up in time, and the group hears a great roar beneath them. A crocodile-like creature the size of a bear tries to claw at the sides of the pit, but cannot get up.

With the entire group safely together, they venture on beyond the pit and descend lower into the winding cavern…

Illustration by Hallie Bateman.

In fact, the village has suffered a string of odd attacks for several weeks now, though they are reluctant to tell the party the specifics. Handley Toshane, ever the cozener, eventually gains the confidence of a village councilman who let spill that an abandoned (some villagers would say haunted) house nearby was the target of a recent excavation by an unlucky group of adventurers. Apparently, this group attempted to explore a strange tunnel underneath the house. They met their end underground, their corpses left to rot. Since then, the village has been hit by attacks from any number of monsters.

Perhaps the two events are related?

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Sasha Fierce, a female (lesbian) Elf Avenger
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

And Introducing
Daniel as… Lorilla, a female Gnome Bard
Lucinda as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin

(Perceptive readers will notice that Emma Fierce is now played by Lucinda rather than Clay. This was change was due to Clay’s concern that Emma simply wasn’t “his type” of woman. Instead, Clay now plays Sasha Fierce, Emma’s wilder, fiercer friend. They are of course unrelated, as the surname Fierce is terribly widespread these days.)

Kevin: If this were a videogame, I’d be skipping this.

Nick: You don’t carefully read every bit of dialogue?

DM: You’d just be skipping my face talking at you.

Okay, you’re walking to this abandoned house about a half-mile from the village, alone on a hill surrounded by forest. The council member said he’d keep a man posted to help you find your way.

Moving to the location indicated, the group spots the house. The windows are all broken. There’s a guy standing awkwardly off by the side of the front door. He looks at you and nods his head, as if to say, “You’re the people I’m waiting for.”

Kevin: How much?

The group chuckles.

Daniel: Negotiate!

Nick: Okay, well I’ll actually be serious about this. I’ll go up to him, and I’m like, “Hey, what’s up? You need some guys to go into a… deadly hole?”

More laughs.

Lucinda: Use protection.

Nick: I’m just trying to keep my options open.

The guy looks at your group, nods once more and points to the door.

Kevin: I’m gonna use my intuition on him.

Kevin rolls a 20-sided die.

Kevin: Intuition is a thing right?

Clay: Insight.

Your Insight skill allows you to divine a person’s intentions and motivations.

Kevin: Oh, I don’t have that, someone else do that.

Sean: As a drunken dwarf… I also do not have insight.

Clay: I’ll do it, but I don’t know why.

Aaron: Oh, I’m sorry, this guy that’s acting like a prostitute is telling us where to go, and we’re just gonna go where he tells us.

Nick: Exactly.

Aaron: At least someone steal something from him.

Nick: Okay, pickpocket.

As you’re walking by?

Nick: Yeah well you know, we’re all walking by in one crowd — a bustle, rather — and so I think I can…

Nick rolls a 20-sided die.

Nick: Twenty!

That’s pretty good, you must’ve been practicing recently. So this guy is wearing normal clothes and has a cloak that conceals his waist. Are there any particular places you’d like to target your pick-pocket?

Nick: You mean he doesn’t have a visible pouch?

Kevin: I love that we’re spending so much time harassing this one guy.

Yeah, you guys can’t walk by him twenty times and steal everything he has. He’ll notice.

Nick: Okay okay, I’ll aim around the belt. Reach around, or reach under the cloak and grab that. I’m a thief, you know. So if there’s a bulge there, I’m grabbing it.

Sean: I think we have a new gay character.

Nick: Yeah, I’ve never told you about my adventures in the exotic south.

Lucinda: Aaron will disapprove now

(Aaron plays a stern, religious type.) He furrows his brows.

When you move past him, you spot a small velvet bag and you grab it. He mumbles an apology as you brush by him, not noticing your finessed pilfer.

Kevin: So you’re that thief character in every RPG that isn’t ever strong enough to fight anyone, but just steals shit while everyone else dies.

So you enter the house, it kinda smells like mold—

Kevin: —Is it your room?

Lucinda: Is there anything of interest in the house?

There’s some trash that the last party left, but it appears to just be debris.

Kevin: Maybe we shouldn’t be looking for boring things.

Clay: I found a burger!

Nick: It looks only a day or two old, according to my Nature check.

And then there’s the rug in the middle of the room. It is depressed in the center.

Aaron: Does it tie the room together?

Yes, it looks quite nice.

Clay: I lift it.

The smell of mold and stagnant water fills your nose as you lift the water-logged rug. Smashed floorboards are underneath, with a big hole in the center that goes down into darkness.

Kevin: I have a light! I’ll pick up a pebble, cast Light on it, and drop it down.

You drop the pebble, and it falls down about 40 feet.

Clay: Holy…

Nick: And there’s no ladder or anything?

No.

Lucinda: We have 50 feet of hemp and rope.

Nick: This is gonna be like Ocean’s 11.

Lucinda: Is it?

Kevin: We should just throw that guy down here.

Use him as cushioning.

Nick: Okay, I’ll tie my rope to whatever is around… maybe a pillar or something.

Sean: I’ll go first!

Roll an Athletics check.

Sean rolls a 20-sided die. He is determining whether his character is skilled enough to scale the rope without falling.

Sean: 8 plus 9, so 17.

You scale half the rope, now do it again.

Sean rolls again, better this time. He makes it to the bottom.

Nick: I have very poor Athletics, how much does it hurt to fall 40 feet?

The DM chuckles, and doesn’t say anything.

Sean: Can I lay down and provide cushioning? Oh, I have a bedroll that I can lay down.

The dwarf (who isn’t the smartest) unrolls his bedroll to provide cushioning in case someone falls forty feet. Proud of his contribution, he awaits the next person to slide down the rope.

Everyone manages to scale without incident, except for the new recruit Daniel, whose character Lorilla loses his grip halfway down and falls. He tries to tumble to break his fall, but that doesn’t quite work out. He takes 6 damage, which isn’t too bad. After healing their wounded teammate, the group surveys their surroundings. They find themselves in an underground tunnel that’s slightly damp and proceed forward.

Kevin: Whenever we’re walking, the theme music to Thomas the Tank should be playing.

Sean: The dwarf calls the wizard gay.

Kevin: Yeah, you’re kind of a homophobic dwarf aren’t you?

Sean: He has issues to work out.

The underground tunnel continues sloping downwards. The ceiling is concealed, hidden above you in the darkness.

Kevin: I tell Daniel to give me a crossbow bolt.

He does.

Kevin: I cast my Light spell on it, and then tell Daniel to fire that bolt at the ceiling. I want to see how high up it is.

Sure.

Daniel: Do I need to roll for this? A crank check or something?

Kevin: Does a crossbow have a crank?

More complicated ones do, but not yours.

Kevin: They must be like training wheels.

Nick: Yeah — you’d get no respect from the other adventurers.

Kevin: I’m just imagining the jack-in-the-box sound as you crank the lever.

Lucinda: Anyway…

Daniel fires the crossbow bolt into the darkness. Seconds later, the bolt clangs against the rock above them. A pair of otherworldly screams sound out in the darkness, and two bat-like creatures high above the party burst into an inferno of flame. The creatures dive towards the party, their wings a fiery blaze.

The party prepares to meet the devilish bats. They take little notice of the dark stalker who slinks behind them, tracking their every move, waiting for an opportune moment to catch the group off guard.

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

Jordan: You hear shouting. As you step outside, a throng of townsfolk are fleeing their homes. They’re fleeing a curious sight. A monstrous-looking creature, an Ogre (check out that pic of the statue eating children in that article), about two-men tall and two-men wide, is pulling a large cart and holding a cask in one huge hand, with a club in his other. Two Hobgoblins with bows are perched atop the wagon.

Kevin: Cue Final Fantasy fight music!

The cast tries their best to imitate the generic Final Fantasy music. Sean is off key.

Nick: This is more like Final Fantasy Tactics, honestly.

The DM draws a map on a grid, adding markers and buildings.

Nick: So I feel like we need to disable this wagon. What does it look like?

Jordan: The Ogre is pulling it by a strap at the waist. It has two wheels, and is made of wood. Nick’s character notices that the Hobgoblins are standing on top of more casks.

Clay: Casts? Casks.

Aaron: Barrels. Just… different.

Nick: I don’t necessarily have to share this information, right?

Kevin: Why wouldn’t you?

Nick: I’m a schemer. Maybe I want to scheme.

Jordan: As you run outside, the Ogre throws his cask. When it hits the ground, it explodes and catches nearby debris and a building on fire.

The DM places some orange-colored beads on the map to indicate the areas on fire.

Nick: And he has more of those?

Jordan: Yeah. So after he throws that one, one of the Hobgoblins riding on top hands him another one.

Nick: I can speak Goblin…

Jordan: You might be able to catch what they say.

Nick: Can I bluff? Be like, “Hey, we’ve got a goblin twice as big, you better skedaddle.”

Sean: Better git’.

The DM calls for an Initiative Roll, which indicates that combat has begun, with a whole new set of rules in place. The game slows down significantly, and now players must precisely indicate their actions and movement.

Kevin: Okay, Twitter McFacebook is going to move forward toward the Ogre.

Kevin moves his marker on the map.

Kevin: So there are casks in that wagon? That are flammable?

Jordan: Yep.

Kevin: Well let’s burn that shit up. I’m going to cast the Scorching Burst spell on the wagon: “a vertical column of flame burns ALL WITHIN.”

Clay: So you’re going to hit them all.

Dice rolling.

Jordan: One of the casks explodes, burning one of the Hobgoblins riding on top the wagon and the Ogre itself. They look annoyed.

Kevin: Wouldn’t it be nice if they all just died?

Aaron: Yeah, I’d just grab the fire hose.

Nick: While you’re all doing that, I’ll burglarize everyone’s homes. Including that burning one.

Jordan: They don’t all die, unfortunately. In fact, none of them are dead.

Kevin: Okay, well I did my turn. Let’s see some hustle out there.

Jordan: The Ogre throws the cask, now lit with the help of a Hobgoblin, at Twitter McFacebook.

Kevin: Oh shit. Shiiiiiit.

Jordan: It explodes, and Twitter is burned for seven damage.

Kevin: Shit. I’m retreating. (Kevin’s Wizard has low health, maybe 10 hit points total.)

Nick: As a minor action I’d like to activate my marshmallow toast ability.

Aaron: Okay, I’ll run up and help Twitter, who’s on fire.

Kevin: Twitter is down!

Aaron’s character Bigby O’Toole, blessed with the healing properties of his deity, magically cures Twitter of some of his wounds.

Nick: (looking at the fire on the map) I feel like I can’t really do anything here… Can I throw a dagger?

Kevin: Oh yeah, that’ll stop a giant Ogre with explosive barrels.

Nick throws a dagger at one of the riding Hobgoblins instead.

Kevin: Is anyone else imagining this Ogre as the Rancor, and the riding creatures as Jawas?

Sean: I was actually going for the Cave Troll in Lord of the Rings.

Clay: That’s what I was thinking! Anyway, my turn. Emma Fierce is going to throw a javelin!

Emma Fierce runs past her compatriots, tossing a javelin in the air and sticking it in the large Ogre.

Kevin: “Falcon kick!”

Clay: Okay, I’m done with that.

Clay moves Emma Fierce back behind everyone else.

Nick: What the fuck? You’re supposed to be the burly guy standing in front to protect everyone. That’s your role.

Clay: Meh.

Sean: I want to take out the fire instead. Can I get a bucket anywhere?

Aaron: I have a waterskin!

Sean: Okay, that idea is stupid. I’m going to try throwing a dagger too, but I want to hit that strap on the Ogre.

The DM makes some dice rolls. Sean’s character (what’s his name?) throws his dagger, but misses and hits nothing instead.

Sean: I’m just building up steam. Wait till next turn.

Aaron: Yeah, dagger throwing doesn’t seem like your specialty.

Kevin spends another turn lighting the wagon on fire.

Aaron: Alright, let’s have someone productive go.

Aaron moves his character.

Aaron: Bigby O’Toole is going to use Sacred Flame, a divine power. Sacred Flame “sears an enemy with its divine radiance, while at the same time giving aid to an ally.”

Everyone snickers.

Aaron: What?

Sean: Every ability your character has used is just… fabulous. My character is getting a serious gay vibe from you.

Aaron: Who me? Bigby O’Toole?

Sean: Lance of Faith? Bedazzling Light?

Nick: Ray of Light?

Kevin: You are divine!

Aaron: Yeah… okay, I’m casting my spell. Oh shit. (Aaron rolls a 5.) I probably miss.

Jordan: Well you tried, and that’s what’s important.

Clay: Okay, leave me an opening; I’ll run up and attack.

Kevin: And then hide behind a building again?

Clay: I have a good plan!

Jordan: The Ogre lets out an angry yell.

Clay: Blargh!

Kevin: I’m hungry!

Jordan: He swipes at Emma Fierce twice, hitting you with his club twice for 10 damage. The Hobgoblins fire their bows, and one pierces Twitter McFacebook for 7 damage.

Kevin: Je-sus. I’m gonna die. And you’re gonna’ miss me. You’re all gonna miss me.

Eventually the Ogre is felled and the wagon blows up, killing both the Hobgoblins riding on top. The town’s buildings are in various states of disrepair, some smoldering and some still on fire.

The group takes a moment to collect itself and heal up.

Aaron: Can you ravage the corpses?

Kevin: I don’t think that’s the right verb.

Nick: Yeah, is there any loot?

Instead of aiding the weary townsfolk or dousing the nearby buildings, the group pokes around the dead bodies to see if there are any valuables. Emma Fierce tries to take the Ogre’s club, which is actually just a small tree root. He struggles to move it.

Kevin: Okay, well I go back to our inn and look for the continental breakfast.

Clay: It’s night!

Kevin: This was not complimentary, by the way.

With the Ogre successfully slain, and local townsfolk (begrudgingly) grateful for the party’s help, they retire for the night. The town is at peace, for now. The root of these recent troubles, however, seems to be a much greater problem.

Kevin: Is there an erotic Dungeons and Dragons? There must be.

With this in mind, it was quite startling to sit down at the table for my first game of D&D as a freshman in high school with my friend, his mom and dad, and aunt and uncle. They are all normal people. But instead of the after-dinner movie or game of Scattergories, we sat down to imagine ourselves as wizards and elves.

Briefly, Dungeons and Dragons is played with a pen, paper, and dice with about five or six people. One person takes the role of the Dungeon Master (DM), who describes all of the settings and places and people. The rest of the people are players, who role-play heroes in a world that the DM has imagined for them. Much of the interaction is question and answer (what do I see?), guided by few rules. Some interaction, combat specifically, is amazingly complex, requiring several books to properly direct the action. There is no real goal in D&D, unless the DM gives the players one, or unless the player decides their character exists for a particular purpose.

Given that most of my current friends are nerds themselves (including Editors Kevin and Nick), it astounded me that none of them had ever tried their hand at Dungeons and Dragons. So I planned a dinner and D&D evening, enticing them with quiche and squash soup but ultimately hoping they’d enjoy role playing the most. The following is a transcription of everyone introducing their characters, to their very first fight in a bar.

The Cast
Jordan as… the Dungeon Master
Nick as… Handley Toshane, a male Halfling Rogue
Kevin as… Twitter McFacebook, a transgendered Human Wizard
Clay as… Emma Fierce, a female (lesbian) Dragon-born Paladin
Aaron as… Bigby O’Toole, a male Half-Elf Cleric
Sean as… Chen Stubsters, a male Dwarf Fighter

This is their story.

Kevin: So I know we get to pick a name, but what about gender? Like, if I’m a women, do I get drunk faster or something?

Jordan: There’s no difference. Why don’t we go around the room. Say your name and talk about who you are.

Kevin: My name is Twitter McFacebook. I’m a Human Wizard. I put my gender as Prince. I’ll just say I’m transgendered.

Sean: Uh, my name is Chen Stubsters. A Dwarf Fighter who is a male. I am strong, hardy, and dependable.

Clay: He’s Asian?

Sean: Well he looks Asian on the picture

Clay: No you imagine your own character. Like, not just that picture.

Sean: Okay, well imagine he’s Asian.

Clay: My name is Emma Fierce. A female lesbian Dragon-born Paladin.

Kevin: What does dragon-born mean?

Nick: You’re born a dragon.

Aaron: Dragon-born.

Jordan: I think it means an ancestor got preggo from a dragon once or something.

Clay: So how do we play this? Do we all have to talk in our character?

Nick: Yeah role play, come on. Forsooth.

Jordan: If you want. That might be a little too nerdy to begin with. We’ll work up to that, and eventually we’ll end with LARPing in our parent’s backyard.

Kevin: What’s everyone’s height?

Aaron: I’m 5’11”, my actual height oh my god. I really identify with my character already.

Nick: You’re also a half-elf, so that helps too.

Jordan: Alright. Now that we’re done introducing our characters, let’s figure out where you are in this world.

The DM drops a map on the table. It shows a tavern with various tables and chairs, with a bar near the west side of the room. A rabble of patrons are scattered around.

Jordan: So you find yourselves in a local tavern.

Nick: Can we throw chairs in this tavern?

Aaron: Oh my god. Let’s kill everyone on this tavern. Oh you guys are fucked, I’ve got +5 religion.

Nick: What does that mean? I have zero religion. I’m definitely going to steal from someone.

Kevin: I have more religion.

Aaron: But I’m a cleric, that’s a religious character! I should be more religious than you.

Kevin: Do our characters have a patience level?

Jordan: Everyone pick places where you are in this tavern.

People drop their character on the map to indicate where they are.

Aaron: Oh, it’s like Coyote Ugly, we’re all on top of the bar doing a dance.

Everyone moves their character on top of the bar, a la Coyote Ugly.

Nick: Yeah, I’m totally dropping dollars in your G-string. Or your plated mail, rather.

Clay: Well, I’m a lesbian so I’m alone. I’m not having fun.

Nick: So how am I associated with these people? Do we have a history?

Jordan: Well you’re associated somehow. It’s better for you to make up a history to give your character some flavor, but for ease of play, we’ll say you all know each other already.

Kevin: So we’re all Facebook friends already?

Aaron: Some of us are probably friends. I’m not friends with Clay though.

Jordan: Anyway, as a band of adventurers, you basically go out and do jobs for money or treasure. So you’re all hanging out at this bar, which is basically the center of social life in this small town.

Clay: Is this the Wild Rose? (a lesbian bar in Seattle)

Jordan: Sure, we’ll call it the Wild Rose, but it probably isn’t the kind of crowd you’re thinking of. So you guys are all just hanging out at the bar… or I guess on top of the bar. Your evening is interrupted when all of a sudden the front door of the bar splinters open with a loud yell and four big, scary-looking humanoid forms burst through. These four bust down the door, and one of them takes a big axe and chops down this man sitting in a chair closest the entrance.

The DM places four markers indicating these new creatures on the map.

Sean: That guy was my friend!

Jordan: Roll a Sadness Check.

Sean: What?

Jordan: I’m kidding. Your character is sad now. Anyway, in this game I give you the setup to everything — what stuff looks like, who is where, what people are saying — and then you need to tell me what you’d like to do. So, chaos is erupting in the bar as these four scary creatures bust down the door. What do you do?

Kevin: LET’S KILL THEM. EVERYONE.

Nick: Wait, wait. Maybe… maybe we can see what they want?

Clay: No.

Nick: Could I use some sort of skill to see what they’re pissed about. Like, just say, “Hey man, what’s goin’ on here?”

Jordan: You can do whatever the hell you want. You could make an Insight Check, which is your character attempting to divine a person’s motives, feelings, etc.

Nick: My character is trained in that. I’ll do that.

Nick rolls a 20 sided die.

Nick: I got an 18.

Jordan: You have a hard time sensing what they want, beyond some general desire to kill and destroy things. You do, however, see a big Red Hand tattooed on all their foreheads, and you recall overhearing a tavern patron talking about some Red Hand folks earlier in the night.

Kevin: Is that like a new band?

Nick: Can I ask them to play, uh, “Shaking Hand”?

Kevin: Okay, let’s fuck these dudes up.

A lengthy battle ensues, which is guided by very specific rules. Some terribly violent things occur, including the bar and bartender exploding in a giant ball of fire, magical spells whizzing around, Nick stealing everything off the bartender’s charred corpse while no one looks, and Clay hiding in the corner until everyone yells at him to do something. In the end, the party emerges victorious, though a little shaken at this seemingly random act of terrible violence.

The party decides to investigate by questioning some townsfolk, eventually discovering that the attack is part of an ongoing problem of raids by a local hobgoblin and his band of ruffians. And with that, the group embarks on their epic venture, much to the consternation of their real life friends and family.

However, this past weekend I’ve become so inconvenienced to the point of physical and mental action. This is uncommon. I don’t know why, but I have a theory. Please, bear with me.

Let me start with a list of inconveniences that have accumulated over a period of a month or so:

1. I only have a mattress for a bed. I am 23, with a full time job. A fucking mattress on the floor.
2. I switch between a very small number of pants. This is unpleasant for everyone.
3. The light in my room is out. This prevents activities like reading, or seeing anything.
4. I should change the sheets on my bed; they’re past their expiration date.
5. The hot water in the shower can only be turned on if you also turn on the bathroom sink full blast. The planet hates me.
6. The wipers in my car just smudge the rain around. Since I live in Seattle, this mortally endangers everyone around me.
7. The smelly lady on the bus makes me want to puke in my mouth.
8. I hate everyone else on bus.
9. The skeezy Haitian bar next door plays loud club music until ungodly hours.

This list has been building for about a month, but only recently have things crescendoed into a whirlwind of life-changing declaratives and achievements. After this weekend, I scratched the following deeds off the list:

1. I only have a mattress for a bed. I am 23, with a full time job. A fucking mattress on the floor.
2. I switch between a very small number of pants. This is unpleasant for everyone.
3. The light in my room is out. This prevents activities like reading, or seeing anything.
4. I should change the sheets on my bed; they’re past their expiration date.
5. The hot water in the shower can only be turned on if you also turn on the bathroom sink full blast. The planet hates me.
6. The wipers in my car just smudge the rain around. Since I live in Seattle, this mortally endangers everyone around me.
7. The smelly lady on the bus makes me want to puke in my mouth.
8. I hate everyone else on bus.
9. The skeezy Haitian bar next door plays loud club music until ungodly hours.

Item number three, I can assure you, was completed in its totality. In any case, this changes my life entirely. Or does it? After I accomplished this task, I comfortably resettled into my typical routine like a fat girl waiting for the next Grey’s Anatomy. I have taken no further action to complete anything else on the list. This is both sad and frustrating, because I’d very much like to have these things gone from my life, yet they keep coming up.

Am I doomed to constantly have a host of vulture-like annoyances circling over me? I think I am. I theorize that everyone has what I call an inconvenience threshold (IT), a point at which something is so annoying that it actually galvanizes them into action. For myself, I think that point is quite high. See, the possibility of achieving any given thing works like this: I’m going to use MATHEMATICS (don’t freak out and have a period — stick with me for a second) to explain.

For any given inconvenience, there is a regularity of it occurring (R). For instance, I am reminded that I want to get a box-spring every time I sleep, or whenever I look at my stupid mattress on the floor. That is usually once a day, probably because I try to avoid it since it’s so ugly.

There is also the level of importance (M), which signifies how critical it is to resolve. Though my floor mattress is unsightly and is probably correlated with the level of action I’m getting (none), I’m still sleeping, so its delayed resolution is tolerable.

Finally, there is the work (W) required to alleviate the inconvenience. Buying a box-spring and bed frame is not only costly but time-consuming as well (shopping for it, managing to move them, etc), so the work level is quite high. Thus, we have our formula for discovering the inconvenience (N) of any given life problem:

(R+M)*W = N

I figure that the work required is the most important aspect here. If you’re a mathematician and would like to discuss my findings, please fuck yourself and refer to my contact information here.

Now that we have N, we may say that the sum of all N‘s is your total sum of all inconveniences in your life. That number must outweigh your inconvenience threshold for you to be spurred into action. Or in other words:

N_total > Inconvenience Threshold (IT)

So over the course of time your N will accumulate until it outweighs your IT, and then you’ll actually get off your sack-of-crap ass and do something useful. Let me draw you a chart.

Figure 1-1

Over time, a list of unpleasantries builds until it crosses your inconvenience threshold. At this point, you will do something to resolve one of those problems. But that action reduces your inconvenience level and takes you below the threshold. If it doesn’t, you’ll keep resolving things until it is, at which point you’ll wait until the next thing builds up and then take action again. Therefore, your state of equilibrium (and general happiness) is just below your threshold of tolerance.

This is how everyone else works, right? To barely hold shit together while tightly gripping to their sanity as problems slowly creep up like miasmic goo? That seems to be the trend for me. Then again, if this continues I may never resolve some inconveniences. Like getting an actual bed.

Last July, Leacock left his job at Yahoo! for a position as head of user experience at Sococo, a new company developing a communication platform for teams to meet in virtual space.

The Bygone Bureau: So how do you start creating a game? Is there a particular mechanic you begin with, and build the rest of the game around?

Matt Leacock: I usually have an idea for a theme, then look for an interesting core mechanic. I do most of the initial work with the mechanics because themes are more malleable and I can adapt them to fit the mechanics that generate the best experiences.

My initial process begins with raw sketches and off-the-shelf components and involves a lot of rapid iterations where I try out all sorts of crazy things. After I’ve got a basic engine working, the rules take shape next and then the long process of balancing the game begins.

I would imagine that there’s a temptation to add too much to a game. Did you ever have to chop out particular ideas for that game?

Constantly. After the initial game engine is found, I need to add the rules that give the game its basic shape. At the same time, I’m searching for any other rules that make the game more fun, easier to understand, or novel. Any rules that don’t add substantially and positively to the experience are torn out. Rules that are difficult to learn or don’t fit well in testing are modified or discarded until the game flows more naturally.

You’ve designed games before, but as far as I know, none have been nearly as popular as Pandemic. Is there a particular aspect of Pandemic that you think has allowed it to enjoy the popularity it has?

I think Pandemic‘s popularity is primarily due to the fact that people feel good while they’re playing it. They get to band together with their family or friends to defeat a game that will likely defeat them.

Since the game is fairly accessible and the other players are there to help, there’s also less fear of being embarrassed about making bad plays. And although the group playing gets to bond together as a team, every player also has their own way to shine given the special powers their roles offer.

Cooperative board games seem to have risen in prominence in the last couple years — Arkham Horror, Descent, Shadows Over Camelot, for example. Is there a reason for this? Did you specifically set out to make a cooperative board game?

Yes, I set out to make a cooperative game. I played [Reiner] Knizia’s Lord of the Rings game and was fascinated with the idea of creating a system that could function much like a human opponent. Diseases (spiraling out of control) seemed like a natural (and dramatic!) fit for an opponent.

I’ve noticed that the cooperative aspects of many board games (treaties in Risk, trading in Settlers of Catan) are always informal. They never have many specific rules about what can and can’t be done. Pandemic is similar. If I remember correctly, the only rule is that in normal and expert mode you can’t show your cards (but of course there are ways around that). Is there a reason social interaction between players is so unguided?

People know how to cooperate — it’s built into the way humans naturally interact as a part of our survival instincts. As a game designer, it’s far easier for me to let the players share information and cooperate than to restrict it, especially in a cooperative game.

Lord of the Rings has the same rule for players not showing their cards to each other. I particularly like this rule as it forces the players to communicate and reduces the effects of a single player leading the team. Of course there are ways around this (as you state quite accurately) but all of them require more communication.

As an interaction designer, I imagine a lot of your ideas about social interaction have played out while watching people play Pandemic. But has anything surprised you? Do people play the game in a manner that surprises you?

I’m consistently underestimate how well a team works as opposed to a single player operating independently. I’ll try to simulate a team playing (by myself) with perfect information, and often find that a team playing with less complete information will perform better because more strategies and points of view are evaluated.

When I play Pandemic, I’ve always noticed that people adopt particular personality archetypes when they play. For instance, there’s the “bossy one” who tells everyone else what to do, the “rogue one” who goes off and decides to do things his way. Do you notice that as well?

I’ve seen some “bosses” but very few “rogues” as you describe them. I think there are many other, more subtle ways of approaching the game, however. I’m sure you could come up with dozens of classifications for these behaviors. To this end, the game could easily be turned into a team dynamics training exercise where the players could record themselves playing a game, then later review the tape to see what types of behaviors they’re exhibiting.

Any new board games you’ve been enjoying a lot recently?

I recently got in a few games of Dominion and Dominion: Intrigue, which I enjoyed.

There’s a Pandemic expansion on the way. Anything else in the works?

I’ve got a fairly large backlog of projects that I’d like to get out the door but it’s tough to find the time while working at the startup and raising my two daughters. Expect to see a new family game in 2010.

Pandemic is published by Z-Man Games. The expansion, Pandemic: On the Brink is due out this August. For those interested in learning more about modern board games, here are a few links to the games Leacock mentioned:

• Lord of the Rings
• Arkham Horror
• Settlers of Catan
• Dominion (I’d like to acknowledge my current obsession with this game.)
]]> http://bygonebureau.com/2009/08/10/communicable-diseases-an-interview-with-matt-leacock/feed/ 0 http://bygonebureau.com/2009/07/20/that-one-time-i-accidentally-ordered-a-prostitute/ http://bygonebureau.com/2009/07/20/that-one-time-i-accidentally-ordered-a-prostitute/#comments Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:15:47 +0000 Jordan Barber http://bygonebureau.com/?p=4097 My friend Jenn recently traveled to Indonesia for several weeks. She has lots of stories. This is one of them.

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Jordan: How did you accidently order a prostitute?

Jenn: I was in my hotel, and they were advertising traditional Balinese massages. My roommate and I decided that it would be a nice treat, so I called them up. They asked if I wanted a female or male masseuse and I said female.

Jordan: I have no idea how these two things are going to connect, but go ahead.

Jenn: Well, it turns out the massages aren’t really massages. Well actually, they kind of are… but I’ll get to that later. So the masseuse comes in — it’s a lady — and she seems a little surprised. She’s pretty young, native Indonesian. Speaks almost no English.

Jordan: And then she gives you a massage?

Jenn: Not really. She tells me to take off all my clothes, so I strip down to my bra and underwear. But she tells me to take off everything, so I take off my bra and lay down. Then she comes over, pulls off my underwear and gives me a really hard slap on the ass. So it doesn’t really start as a massage.

Jordan: Okay: naked and ass-smacking. You’re sure it’s not just a “traditional Balinese” massage?

Jenn: Well, that’s what I thought. I just pretended it didn’t happen. Maybe her hand slipped or something.

Jordan: Oh right, those embarrassing accidental ass slaps. Do those all the time.

Jenn: Hey, well she was massaging pretty hard, so all the downward pressure… maybe if you hit it just right, you just do an ass smack. Are you a masseur? I didn’t think so. There might have been an accidental slip in there.

Jordan: Okay, whatever. So after you justify the ass-slap through the laws of physics and then what happens?

Jenn: Well she keeps up with the massaging bit. Then she starts talking in poor English about how pretty I am, which is nice.

Jordan: People just aren’t complimentary anymore.

Jenn: Yeah, it seemed like a nice thing to say. That and all Asian people want to be white. It’s strange; they’re obsessed with whiter skin, while white people want to be tan.

Jordan: You know what they say.

Jenn: You can’t always get what you want.

Jordan: You always want what you don’t have?

Jenn: I don’t think that’s it.

Jordan: I think we’re getting off topic. So she calls you pretty…

Jenn: Yeah she keeps doing that. Her massaging is terrible though. She’s just running her hands up and down my legs, and but keeps going up my thighs. I tried to tell her “too hard,” but she just cackles and spanks me again.

Jordan: Probably a slip of the hand.

Jenn: She’s doing the whole leg stroking thing, calling me pretty, and spanking me every once and a while. It was like lightning — I couldn’t tell when it would strike next.

Jordan: Did you think she was a prostitute at this point?

Jenn: Not really. I just thought she was really weird. I was trying to enjoy myself, so I was willing to excuse some weirdness. Anyway, after that, she touched my vagina.

Jordan: Oh god. Well it’s hard to ignore that.

Jenn: Yeah, she just kept crawling up my leg until she just thumbed my vagina. Then she told me to flip over, so I did. So here I am, totally naked with my boobs flopping around, and she takes a towel and covers my stomach. Like, that’s the part we don’t need to see.

Jordan: What were you thinking at this point?

Jenn: I’m gonna be honest, I had no idea what was going on. I just laid there like a statue, trying to keep my legs together so she wouldn’t do any more vagina thumbing.

Jordan: Sounds like she went to town. Like spelunking, or scooping ice cream

Jenn: It wasn’t vagina ice cream scooping! At this point, I started to get a little freaked out. But I didn’t want to do anything, because I didn’t want to offend her. It was really embarrassing, but I stayed hoping she would finish soon. I just laid there. Like a cold fish. I figured if I lay really still, she’d ignore me and go away.

Jordan: I think that works with the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Not sure about people though.

Jenn: It didn’t work. She was stroking my pubic hair too. She also told me “I have baby like you!” which really confused me. Did she have a white baby because she was a prostitute? Or did she think I was pregnant? My roommate didn’t seem to mind it though.

Jordan: What?! There was someone else in the room?

Jenn: Uh, yeah. We both got a massage. I tried not to look; she’s a big girl. She didn’t get any spanking though.

Jordan: Oh — sounds like you got special treatment.

Jenn: I got my money’s worth. Anyway, after she finishes “massaging” me, she sits down on the bench with me, like we’re best friends or something. Except I’m completely naked and she’s clothed. And then she does something really weird. She takes her own hair, bends down to my pubic hair so they’re touching, and says, “see we’re the same!”.

Jordan: She compares her head hair with your pubic hair?

Jenn: Yes.

Jordan: I feel like there’s some sort of profound cross-cultural significance hidden in this meeting of your hair to hers. Like we’re all the same. Did it never occur to you to stop any of this at any point?

Jenn: I was gonna get my eleven dollars worth no matter what it was. I tipped her two dollars though.

Jordan: Wow, okay. Anything else happen to you in Indonesia?

Jenn: Well I was also bitten by a rabid monkey, and had to get tested for rabies. I also had an allergic reaction to a henna tattoo and had to go to the hospital. I was really hesitant about the Indonesian doctors because whenever we went they said, “Do you want the Indonesian medicine or good medicine?”. I also bought two turtles, but I left them in the bathtub in the hotel. And that’s why I’m never having kids.

Jordan: Sounds like an adventure. Thanks for talking with me.

Jenn: No problem. Turns out I don’t have rabies.

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