Articles by Jeff Merrion

Dating the Women of Literature

Literary chauvinist Jeff Merrion gives dating advice on a few characters from classic American fiction.

Of Offensive Bumper Stickers and Car Adornments

Bumper stickers broadcast personal details about the driver, making them just one of the many great ways to judge a stranger. Jeff Merrion discusses bumper stickers annoying enough to incite road rage.

Grief and Mucoceles

According to Wikipedia, a mucocele is “a swelling of connective tissue consisting of collected mucin from a ruptured salivary gland duct,” which is as gross as it sounds. Jeff Merrion develops a mucocele on his lip and undergoes the five stages of grief.

Channeling the Canon: An Interview with Ernest Hemingway

Jeff Merrion is physically abused while conversing with literary minimalist Ernest Hemingway about his body of work, the Spanish Civil War, and American Gladiators.

Fear and Loathing in North-Central Nevada

Road warrior Jeff Merrion takes the scenic route (well, scenic by post-rock standards) from Tacoma to Denver, encountering crooked cops on “the Loneliest Highway in America.”

A Crash Course in Bro Culture

Popped collars and plaid pants indicate a subspecies of the human race that still enjoys quoting Anchorman. The Bureau’s resident zoologist Jeff Merrion documents the psyche of bro culture and identifies its favorite dinosaur.

Narcotica: Taking Drugs to Make Music to Take Drugs To

Psychedelia is the genre of music that evokes the experience of taking psychedelic drugs. But with so many varieties of drugs, you’d think there would be more accompanying musical genres. Teetotaler Jeff Merrion begins to bridge this gap by describing a genre of droney, down-tempo rock: narcotica.

Mario Kart Koinages

Attempting to escape the gloomy weather of Washington state’s finest city, Jeff Merrion finds comfort in one of our fondest childhood memories–Mario Kart. The game also proves to be a fertile breeding ground for useful neologisms.

How to Start a Post-Rock Band

Are you the only person in Canada who owns a guitar and hasn’t appeared on a Broken Social Scene album? Jeff “Mogwai” Merrion reveals his step by step guide to becoming a successful post-rock star.

An Open Letter to Spammers

Spam emails seem to be an insurmountable problem of the digital era, but there may be a solution. Former U.S. Ambassador to Paraguay Jeff Merrion pens a diplomatic letter to spammers, informing them of their misconceptions regarding certain aspects of his life.

The Creative Curve of Decline

Musicians, it seems, are not like a fine wine. How often do they get better with age? Troubled by this distressing phenomenon, Jeff Merrion tries to make sense of the inevitable mediocrity that accompanies aging.

Horror Music

It’s fun to be scared shitless, especially in October. When he wants to be terrified, lionhearted Jeff Merrion turns to music instead of movies.