Kickstarter: Halliburton Food Truck

Help us get this American multinational corporation up and running some more!

halliburton

Illustration for The Bygone Bureau by Jack Sjogren

Who we are:

So here we are, two girls* with one big oil field service company idea. We have had a dream of exporting American tastes to the world’s most time-honored conflict zones for a long time, but now we’re finally making it a full-on reality, all with the help of… drum roll… a food truck!**

Although our specialties will be providing services for petroleum and natural gas exploration and production, we also aim to construct refineries, oil fields, pipelines, chemical plants, and serve great vegan dumplings with our main goal being to source locally***, give back to our community, and have a sense of humor while doing it!

* Both “two” and “girls” should not be limited to their conventional definitions

** Probs another war

***Primarily within the Middle East

So yeah, the name isn’t funny (Halliburton — no pun, right!? What kind of food truck is this!?) but our passion isn’t a joke. There is so much in this life that can be mediocre when it’s not tangled up with intentional evidence destruction, toxic chemical release, oil rig explosions, steamrolling over employee injuries, the oft incurred statutory fines plus tainted public perception, all while gainin’ and maintain’ on our status as the fifth least reputable company in America serving the fifth best chicken teriyaki from a truck. But, as you can tell, we strongly believe mediocre is something that food/oilfield services should not be. And now, oil is our fuel (pun intended, ha!) to connect with you. And food is. Food trucks serving great snacks. Sure. Why not?

Join us as we expand our local reach beyond the 80-plus countries and hundreds of subsidiaries, affiliates, branches, brands, and divisions we currently have under our control. Welcome us with open arms as we find our way into your heart and soul, first through a sweet little eggroll and then through your children’s hearts and souls, and the hearts and souls of your children’s children’s children’s children! With all these big plans and big dishes (I mean, have you seen our generous portions?) we’re going to need a bit more than the 17% rise in profit we saw last quarter.

With the money we raise from this Kickstarter we plan to:

  • Finish the interior of the truck and the interior of a tunnel running through a geological fault zone in Iraq then put in a new one in Malaysia.
  • Add a new generator replacing the old one in Cheney.
  • Get all our permits and licenses always no matter what.
  • Replace our stove, water tanks, evidence, and refrigeration unit.
  • Install a rear-view camera (20/20 hindsight anyone? See we do have fun).
  • Finish the exterior of the truck by paintin’ and putting our flair on it! Full disclosure: it’s mostly camouflage.

Pledge $100,000 or more

You get a heart felt written “thank you” note and a hug when you visit the truck.

Pledge $500,000 or more

All of the above plus a shout-out on Facebook and/or Twitter and a custom designed “Halliburton Hotties” bumper sticker.

Pledge $1,000,000 or more

All of the above, two delicious entrees when you come visit the truck, plus we drill an oil well in a location of your choice.

Pledge $100,000,000 or more

All of the above and YOUR NAME on the truck (welcome to the family!) plus an oil pipeline literally leading right to your doorstep.

We’ve got quotes and people to help all lined up. We just need you to help us make this a reality! As with all Kickstarter campaigns, if we don’t reach our goal, we don’t get any of our funds, so tell everyone, friends/families/foodies, but preferably no one working for the SEC. Every dollar counts, and we love you all for it!

Zane Shetler lives in Durham, North Carolina. His last expedition through suburbia went poorly. There might be more at his website?