My Family Eats Paleo: An Activity Book for Kids

The fun way to teach your children the joys of elk jerky and the evils of refined sugar.

Illustration for The Bygone Bureau by David Mansfield

Hi, kids! Welcome to the healthy and yummy world of the Paleo Diet!

I bet you’re wondering: what exactly does “Paleo” mean? You’ve probably heard Mommy and Daddy talking about it a lot recently. You may have even noticed some changes in your kitchen, at your dining table, or even inside your lunchbox. Where has all the bread gone? What’s happened to your cookies? And what are “chia seeds”?

The Paleo Diet is really simple — it’s what our ancestors ate thousands of years ago, way back before there were supermarkets and delicious, terrible carbohydrates. Early humans ate only what they could kill or gather. Their food was LEAN and GREEN — lots of meat and yum-yummy veggies, and NO bread!

Even though their average life expectancy was under 30, they sure were fit and skinny. Your Mommy and Daddy are very smart, and have realized that lots of experts, CrossFit trainers, and people on the Internet are right: eating like early humans is the best possible way to be healthy. And Mommy and Daddy want YOU to be healthy too!

These activities are a fun way to learn all about your new and exciting way of eating. Have a blast! And remember: no more Doritos, ever.

Find That Food: Help the caveman find his dinner in this forest drawing! Circle:

  1. The animal he can spear for meat (hint: it looks like a hairy elephant!).

  2. The plants he can collect for healthy nutrients.
  3. The berries he can pick for a sweet natural treat.
  4. The almonds he can grind using his Vitamix to replace white flour in baked goods.

Draw an X through the pile of bagels. EW, carbs! Color in the forest when you’re done.

Little Paleo Chef: Make Paleo “Oreos” to take to school! Use banana slices for the cookies and almond butter for the cream filling. Remember: don’t cry when your friend eats his Chips Ahoy in front of you at lunch — he’ll probably end up morbidly obese!

Word Scramble: An important Paleo lesson is hidden in this word scramble — can you find it?


Finish the Story: Help Mommy finish her latest Facebook status update by filling in the blanks with the words below.

“Wow, what a week! Whole family is now eating _____ and training ______ ! Excited for these _____ to get even looser! But, most importantly, we’re all feeling ______ – we don’t even miss _______! Check out our latest dinner on our _____ :)”

mean | pants | clean | carbs | Instagram | healthier    

Connect the Dots: It’s you in your CrossFit Kids class! Don’t forget to color in your Vibrams with your favorite crayon.

Daddy And Me: Daddy bought a sandwich today – where can he hide it? Help him look for hidden spots in the garage to eat in secret.

Little Paleo Chef 2: Everyone loves bacon! Try wrapping protein-licious bacon around your favorite Paleo snacks, like kale, grass-fed beef, and more bacon.

Math Superstar: Using everyone’s body weight and average amount of physical activity per day, help your whole family calculate their required daily protein intake and carbohydrate levels to reach a state of ketosis. Remember to measure in grams!

Mommy And Me: Test Mommy’s real hunter-gatherer skills by going on a hunting trip. How much protein can you help her kill in two hours? Give yourself a pat on the back if you skin your prey correctly!

Crafts: Use orange, red, and brown construction paper to make your very own big four-cheese pizza! Give it to Daddy so he can sadly rip it apart in front of Mommy as punishment for the sandwich thing.

Little Paleo Chef 3: Make your old favorite meal of spaghetti and meatballs, then throw the spaghetti part in the trash!

Talk About It: Make sure all of your classmates know about your healthy new lifestyle. Punch anyone who doesn’t agree. You’re an expert now!

Molly Taft works at an investigative journalism institute, and her work has appeared on The Hairpin, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and on her mom's fridge. She has a Twitter and a Tumblr.