Science or Religion?

History’s greatest debate: solved.


Photo courtesy of the Smithsonian Institute

As you stumble through this complex world of ours, there are two possible guides: science and religion. Both have their pros and cons. It’s important to pick the right one, but first you need to understand what religion and science are all about.

Religion is spiritual. Science is physical.

Religion has ministers and priests. Science has scientists and subjects.

Religion gives us bread. Science gives us mold.

Religion can heal a leper. Science can’t cure a cold.

Religion will comfort you after the death of a loved one. Science will do stuff to the corpse.

Religion helps athletes win football games. Science ruins football games by diagnosing traumatic brain injuries after stealing athletes’ brains.

Religion says, “Let us pray to God.” Science says, “Let us offend God with abominations.”

Religion gives you the Ten Commandments. Science gives you thousands of peer-reviewed journals full of mumbo-jumbo, gobbledygook, and blasphemy.

Religion is a wonderland of saints and angels. Science is a dystopia of mad scientists, demented assistants, and petri dishes brimming with nanotechnology and hate.

Religion says Heaven is above us. Science says the Earth is getting too hot. Religion says Hell is too hot. Come on now, which sounds hotter, Hell or Earth?

Religion gave us a soul. Science gave us a government brain implant during wisdom tooth surgery.

Religion has sacraments. Science has experiments. They both sound creepy, so I guess that’s a wash.

Religion has voodoo doctors. Science has Associate Professors of Vodou Studies.

Religion has God, who does not play dice and has a plan. Science has graduate students, who are the most miserable specimens ever created by God.

Religion showers you with love. Science bidets you with French nihilism.

Religion says, “Go in peace.” Science says, “Pick me up a fresh brain while you’re out.”

Religion is holy. Science is unholy.

Religion creates holy wars, but science creates the weapons that make a holy war possible. So that’s another wash.

Religion has nuns. Science has fembots. Score one for science.

Religion is concerned with the health of your soul. Science is concerned with the health of your organs, which it dearly wants to take, before or after your death. The lifeblood of science is your organs. The lifeblood of religion is the blood of Christ, which is actually wine.

Religion says a magic sky king made us out of nothing. Science says we evolved from monkeys. So I suppose science also says magic sky kings evolved from magic sky monkeys. Yeah, that doesn’t sound crazy.

Religion says, “Love one another.” Science says, “Further research is needed.”

There is no right or wrong answer to the question “Science or religion?” We all have to decide for ourselves if we want to obey the will of God or throw the baby Jesus into a sewer full of demonic mole men created at research universities with your tax dollars.

God grant you the wisdom to choose correctly.

Mark Peters is a humorist and language columnist who has written for Esquire, The Funny Times, Psychology Today, Salon, and Slate. He analyzes jokes for McSweeney's, collects euphemisms for Visual Thesaurus, and offers helpful advice on Twitter such as “I stay productive by breaking every task into three parts: the dread, the middle, and the regret.”