Breast

It’s sort of like Yelp.

½ Star

October 29, 2013
Jonas S.

New place, my first time. The whole room had a real creepy vibe. It was totally freezing. They give you a free blanket when you arrive, but it does nothing.

Before you even get started, the staff are strangely pushy about personal information. First they measured my length and weight. Is this somehow supposed to encourage me to eat?

And then, when you finally do start eating, the staff all watch. One guy in particular was right up in my grill, taking pictures, making silly noises. I would have kicked that camera right out of his hands, if my brain had been fully capable of processing visual information and/or controlling fine motor skills. Makes you miss the days of eating alone through a cord.

Overall, not really my thing. But the milk was good.

3 Stars

October 30, 2013
Jonas S.

I’ve been assured by the Hostess (Maître d’? Owner? Not good with names or faces but I am getting better at grabbing fingers ) that the restaurant will be changing locations soon. It’s about time. The curtains here make you want to cry.

And so I did for five hours.

Either way, the bland decor was more than made up for by the service. I may have trouble distinguishing between my own subjective experience and the objective world outside of me, but I can still tell good service from bad. And this server was something else. Completely devoted to her craft, she made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. The whole dining experience was very unconventional: no table, no cutlery, no cups or glasses. We ate on the bed, and there isn’t even a meal really, just a continuous experience, a strange journey full of short “feeds” (I’m still getting used to getting food through this hole in my face), long naps, and free refills on drinks, but be careful when you’re finished filling up, there is no off button and splash-back isn’t as fun as it sounds. There were times, I’ll admit, when I got frustrated, but she was always there, calm and understanding, ready to help me through.

Yes, it’s true, there menu is a bit limited… to one item. But do you know anywhere else that will open up at quarter to five in the morning just because you’re out front screaming about how, ohmygod, I am so hungry, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HUNGRY, WHY AREN’T YOU FEEDING ME, I AM DYING OF HUNGER, SUCKING MY FIST DOES NOTHING!!!

I didn’t think so.

breast

Photo courtesy of Geoffrey Wiseman

4 ½ Stars

November 3, 2013
Jonas S.

Am I only one who’s discovered this hidden gem?

I take back everything I wrote before. This is unreal. It’s an all-you-can-eat bonanza. It’s the Kubla Khan of fine dining. Except this is two pleasure domes.

As if that wasn’t enough, get this: you can forget ever having to go to the actual bathroom. Here the bathroom comes to you. That’s right. Go ahead. Keep trying to decide if you like right or left better. Pay no mind to the pressure in your bladder. Just relax. Let go.

Poop like no one’s watching.

And get ready: you’ll soon be whisked away to a land of wipes and creams. And before you know it your bottom will feel softer than… the softest thing that comes to mind when you’re talking about softness. Let’s say a pillow? Sure.

Bonus: if you fall asleep while you’re eating (you’d be surprised) the servers will sing to you.

0 Stars

December 2, 2013
Jonas S.

Can you have too much of a good thing?

Yes.

Today I refused to eat for ten hours. Why? Because I could. This restaurant does not control me. Nothing controls me. I’m hungry. I’m angry. And I’m getting as fat as a stuffed animal because of whatever crap they fill this fast food with. I hate everyone and everything. Don’t touch me.

Don’t. I will pee on your face.

I swear I will pee in both of your eyes.

½ Star

December 12, 2013
Jonas S.

In a desperate bid to stay hip, the restaurant has switched its focus from local, organic, fresh food to something else entirely.

It’s heartbreaking to write this: they’re using frozen food. The liquid is now pumped by some loud scary machine, frozen, and then defrosted weeks (weeks!) later back to room temperature. Then you eat it through some space age tube. This is some molecular gastronomy weirdness.

Did I complain? You better believe it. And I can be louder than you think would be possible for someone of my miniature stature. As a symbol of my protest, I had four diaper changes in a row.

I could have easily done all my business in one go.

In the end, they gave me what I wanted.

2½ Stars

December 23, 2013
Jonas S.

I’m not really enjoying the new crowd around here. They’re really bringing the atmosphere down.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m open minded about people. I’ve never had a single problem with the big crazy hairy guy and he always jumps all over me trying to lick off my face after I finish eating. The doorman usually runs over and takes care of him, whilst apologizing profusely to the server lady.

But this guys is different. He’s right next to us, beside the bed. He’s always there.

I’ll admit, he’s quite stylish and handsome. But he pretty much just copies everything I do. Not only does he imitate my whole fashion style, right down to the “I can BEARLY stand how cute I am” polar bear fleece sleep-sack. AND his server is a perfect copy of mine! Those two weirdos do everything we do AT THE SAME TIME!! Whenever I go to eat, so does he. When she laughs at my witty fart noises, SO DOES SHE AT HIS. Then I’m tripping all over again!

It’s hard to focus on fine dining when your complete doppelganger is just waiting for you, ready, always ready, to engage in a never-ending staring competition.

And I’ve got to say, it doesn’t help that the server finds my sheer terror hilarious. Last time, she called the doorman over too! He actually picked me up and put me face to face with this parallel dimension child!! Our fingers met; his touch is inhuman, hard and cold. My life has turned into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Also, Holiday Hours are: Monday to Friday 12am-12am.

5 Stars

January 1, 2014
Jonas S.

Late night drink. Way past bed time. I swear I could taste bubbles.

I used to think the restaurant’s slogan, Breast is Best, was a bit cliché . Now I think it’s an understatement. Breast is Blessed, is a bit more accurate.

Or just: Breast.

Maybe it’s the bubbles talking, but I think that’s all you need.

0 Stars

April 1st, 2014
Jonas S.

A new menu today!

What the hell is rice cereal?