The Ideal Candidate

We require an applicant who meets our extensive, vigorous demands. Could it be you?

office

Ferguson Solutions, an innovation/dream-driven/aware, intra-global web-based-interactive-experiences startup, seeks an idea-oriented business multi-professional to help localize and strategically accelerate metrics-enlarged dreamscape stratagems. Does this resemble a thing out of your cerebral playhouse? If you envision larger and feel it in your haunches, by all means, read, read.
 
The nature of this role is hard to finger, but let us try. Yours is a story of pending rebirth. Qualified applicants may possess viral marketing intimacy issues and/or have the hotness to feel alternatively. Candidates should harbor 1.5 years of applicable life experience. This is roughly the amount of time Donny dreamed with us before he requested that legally we do not come near him in the physical sense.

Ideal candidates have actually worked this exact job at Ferguson Solutions for 1.5625 years, are named Donny, and would basically like to start over again, no harm no foul. Does this feel like you?
 
Because finding the right fit is crucial — we get the sense we knew you in a past life. Perhaps even loved? That’s almost it. Can you recall wistful memories of our previous times together and make them real? Creative thinking is a must at Ferguson — as is a car, so please have the right one. For example, one of our employees had a laser blue 2009 Volkswagen Jetta that was like the automobile version of him.
 
This is not an entry-level position, or a gateway position. If you want to be that way, play field hockey. We disdain labels and refuse to be their captive. This is a tailored personal mission that nests in our minds — nests protectively around our minds — and will only be “named” once the candidate has joined our production — possibly after the candidate him/herself (e.g. “The Donny” or “The [insert your name/nickname/symbol]”).
 
The right fit for this position is familiar with various popular social media sites but DOES NOT USE FACEBOOK SPECIFICALLY AND IS NOT FRIENDS WITH ANYONE WHO DOES — ideally has never even heard of it. “What is Facebook?” Great, but mean it. We have a polygraph in house. Extra consideration if you can help us figure out how to use it.
 
We value flexibility and have a toilet and some sleeping cots now. We require long hours onsite as well as some telecommuting on weekends, with biweekly on-call episodes. The ideal candidate does not consider this “a job,” so much as “an intensified mode of reality.” Light travel. No air travel will be required — we believe in a light carbon footprint — but do have a passport and all updated international travel immunizations.


We prefer problem solvers before troubleshooters. Our situation is complex. HELP! (Also, please be able to work a fax machine. Sorry, non-negotiable.)
 
Do you “get off” on a fast-paced, entrepreneurial environment? Then Ferguson may be the place for you. Our perfect fit for this role has a profound sexual fetish for fast-paced, entrepreneurial environments. His/her loin-song yearns for the breakneck pace of startup office culture such that it can scarcely be harnessed during working hours, threatening at any moment to burst forth from its yoke in Dionysian exuberance. Deadlines are also critical.
 
Are you Donny? Our ideal new hire is a team player, willing to renegotiate restraining orders. He/she/it is able to work in a cast of metaphorical roles, from the quarterback to the piggybacker — also Biff Loman, the therapist, the power forward, flying buttress, and the reverse cowboy. Bilingual preferred.
 
Applicants should be able to demonstrate excellent verbal communication skills and will be given a test that includes talking down a real live jumper from the roof of the building. The ideal candidate will be the person we interview first and will pass.
 
Thank you! Please, hand-mailed, physical resumes only. We anticipate feeling your paper.

Photo courtesy of The Library of Congress.

Eric Feezell has written for The Onion News Network and McSweeney's and is a staff writer at The Morning News. Follow him on Twitter.