Spooky High Is Closing

It is with great sadness that we announce the closing of our local high school for monsters.

Dear students, parents, faculty members, and boosters:

For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.

But as a student, parent, or supporter of Spooky High, I don’t need to tell you about our past. Our legacy is secure; it’s our present that’s in jeopardy, and our future that’s in doubt. The citizens of this community have been outspoken about their distrust of a low-security school that imparts knowledge, job skills, and self-esteem to more than 2,000 increasingly powerful inhuman creatures that they feel are an affront to both God and nature. Nor do they like that $4 million of their property taxes each year fund the endeavor.

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Photo courtesy of the Library of Congress

This has resulted in a recent spate of assaults in the media, primarily by candidates running for office at the state and local levels pandering for votes by calling for our school to be shut down, labeling it “a breeding ground of death and nightmares.” Such comments have also led to a spate of actual assaults, both on Spooky High property and population. We were all shocked and saddened by the Molotov cocktail through Mr. Larson’s biology lab window, the unsolved kidnapping of Snake Girl, and the burning of swamp creature-like effigies on the monsterball field. Of course, our thoughts and dark incantations go out to Dracu-Teen, who is still recovering from his stake wounds and exposure burns. (In related news, police took into custody this morning three members of the Van Helsing Prep wrestling team.)

This state of affairs is indicative of the eroding support and respect for education in this country, as well as demonstrating that people are just as afraid of monsters as they’ve always been, despite the increased popularity of zombie-, vampire-, and monster-based entertainment. “Let someone else pay for the schools,” they think, and “keep the monsters out of my backyard,” they say, with both their words and their angry, pitchfork-wielding mobs.

But then where should the monsters go? Sadly, the answer is “elsewhere.” The school board has voted 4-1 to close Spooky High immediately. Know that this is not easy for any of the staff, and we are proud of each and every one of you. I am especially touched by the loyalty and school spirit of the Zombie Student Alliance, who attacked, partially consumed, and turned one school board member, resulting in the sole dissenting vote.

Nevertheless, the ruling still stands. Hold your head high (or neck — I’m talking to you, junior class president Ichabod Crane IV!), with the knowledge that you received a stellar education from one of the nation’s top educational institutions, for monsters or otherwise. Those of you who choose to remain in the district will be bussed in to the closest high school, Van Helsing Prep. Let me be frank with you for a moment. In all likelihood, you will be victimized at your new schools with bullying or worse. But, as the public awareness campaign and those posters in our now closed and soon to be burned down and sprinkled with holy water hallways say, “It gets better.” And remember: you are monsters, and most of you could rip an instigator’s limbs off and consume their bodies and leave their souls shattered and perpetually restless in a matter of seconds.

In closing, go Wildcats. Go Wildcats forever.

Sincerely,

Principal Ludvig

Brian Boone's work has appeared on Funny or Die, Adult Swim, Splitsider, and McSweeney's. Follow him on Twitter.