When people say, “Put your money where your mouth is,” it’s a good sign they’ve spent too much time in strip clubs. You see, in the real world, money never goes directly into the mouth.
When my immediate supervisor at work wants to “talk turkey,” I drive her out to a ham factory where we take a guided tour and learn about the tumultuous history of the cured meat dating all the way back to ancient Roman times. Then, on the drive back, we “talk ham.” And sure enough, once we get back to the office, the only thing she wants to “talk” about is me taking an indefinite leave of absence.
When a prospective employer tells you their company “works hard and plays hard,” ask yourself: do I really want to walk around with an erection all day?
When people say to “quit clowning around,” they don’t realize how offensive it is to clowns. Imagine if you were walking by two clowns and heard one say to the other, “Hey man, quit single-35-year-old-who-lives-in-his-parent’s-storage-shed-and-just-got-fired-from-Olive-Garden-ing around.”
When kids say, “Let’s grab a fro-yo,” I think it’s a good sign that this new generation is coming up with some really good penis nicknames.
When someone says, “I’m dating myself here, but…”, I think, no offense, but could you please date yourself over there? Congress hasn’t passed the appropriate laws on that yet and you’re making me and my imaginary wife, Yelbork, very uncomfortable.
If someone says they want to “draw straws” for something, I wonder if we can’t draw something a little more adult than straws. I’m no art major, but what about drawing a beautiful sunset or Paula Deen’s cleavage. Then we’ll see who the real artist is.
When your girlfriend says she wants to incorporate food into your lovemaking, she’s not talking about Lunchables. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
People often say, “Give it the old college try.” But I really don’t think passing out on a broken futon, drinking a box of wine on a Tuesday afternoon, and skipping most of my classes for the spring semester is really going to get me anywhere, do you?
Commercials say that you should call your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours. But I say, just drive over to his house because it’s pretty hard to get a high five over the phone.
When my little niece says it’s not fair she has to take tests in school, I remind her that I have to take tests too. Not math and spelling, but drug and field sobriety. Then I ask if she has any “uncle money” stashed away. When she runs off to tell on me, the realization finally washes over me: that chick wouldn’t last a week in prison.