Welcome to Nature’s Corner Bakery

Oh look, there’s a cute new bakery down the block.

bakery

Illustration by Hallie Bateman for The Bygone Bureau

Welcome to Nature’s Corner Fresh Baked Goods, where organically conceived pastries and artisanally baked bread are the order of the day. I’ll be your baked goods representative, Aura. Here you see our fine assortment of breads and pastries.

Perhaps you’d like a Pumpernickel Batard, with a hand-fired crust? It’s on special right now for $126.99. That probably sounds a bit pricy. But our grains are individually hand-picked by blind monks, and our dough is kneaded by trained hairless kittens. Every loaf is baked in a ceramic kiln used once and then destroyed. You will taste the destroyed kiln in every bite.

Or there’s our Vegan Imitation Cream Cheese-infused Banana Bread Muffin. The cream cheese is actually bean curd. Isn’t that clever? I mean not clever… We’re very serious about Veganism. All our pastry chefs are PETA-approved. They don’t even call themselves Vegans. They’re “Vgns.” They believe vowel sounds resemble the lowing of sheep.

Rest assured, these muffins didn’t come within twenty yards of an egg. We even hired an actor to insult a plate of non-Vegan muffins in front of these muffins, just so everyone knows where they stand.

Perhaps you’d care to sample something a bit sweeter?

Here we have a Triple Chocolate Cinnamon Quick Bread. This recipe was handed down through the generations, originally written by Ida Mae Previn, a Californian homestead settler. Several Wiccan ceremonies have been performed over the recipe to cleanse the bread of its oppressive colonial heritage.

Nothing today then?

Well, if you sign up for our Nature’s Corner newsletter, you get $35 off your first loaf of bread, as well as this attractive tote. The tote comes with a lovely tea-infused cucumber-lanoline moisturizing gel. That will come in handy later, since the fabric on the tote is reclaimed upholstery from the chairs in a women’s shelter.

Don’t forget to sample our communal piece of peat-bog on your way out. It’s for gnawing on. Not gonna lie. It’s not very sanitary at all.

Namaste, and come again.

Nathan Pensky is a writer and editor living in rural Pennsylvania. Follow him on Twitter.