Bruce Willis Reflects on His IMDb Page

“I was dead in The Sixth Sense, because I died of being a sensitive fucking guy… You want to know what it is to be a man? Be nice to your mom. That’s it.”

I’m Bruce Willis. You think you’re having more sex than me? Think again.

Look at this. I played John McClane in Die Hard. I sent those German terrorists back to hell. I knew Severus Snape before he was Severus Snape. And I killed him. Expecto Patronem, motherfucker. I vanquished my enemy like a barefoot sea-god swimming in oceans of German blood.

You wanna talk about my hairline? Let’s talk about my hairline. I watched that shit recede for years and then one day I shaved it. For a movie. Called Pulp Fiction. End of story. And yes the bald carpet matches the bald drapes. Ever seen Color of Night?

I was in Moonlighting with Cybil Shepherd. We famously fought on set, and it only made our performances better. I perfected fifteen types of smoldering glower on Moonlighting, and I gave Cybil Shepherd her first orgasm. With my acting.

You ever seen me in a tuxedo? I look fucking sharp. I have this great cologne I bought online. It makes my chest and back smell like roses. I’ll see you at the awards ceremonies. All of them. I’ll be the one looking fucking amazing in my tux.

In The Fifth Element, I played a space taxi driver who saves the world. It’s like The Professional in space, except Natalie Portman is an older, freaky-hot alien with orange hair who speaks in tongues. (I think the role was played by Leelee Sobieski or someone.) Gary Oldman asked me for some tips on how to do a Southern accent. I just looked at him and smiled with half my face and sang some songs from my hit R&B album, The Return of Bruno. Then I gave him my harmonica. Gary Oldman did every scene in that movie with my harmonica in his pocket.

I was dead in The Sixth Sense, because I died of being a sensitive fucking guy. I taught that Haley-Joel what it was to be a man. You want to know what it is to be a man? Be nice to your mom. That’s it.

You wanna know a secret? My characters in 12 Monkeys and Unbreakable were the same person. You just think about that for a second.

When I die I’m gonna go out like Armageddon and then come back like Look Who’s Talking, swimming like a sperm in your mom’s fallopian tube. That’s right I’m gonna come back as you, and I’m gonna shave your head and put a smirk on your face, so that when you ask Bruce Willis about his career, I’ll just nod and suck my teeth, and you’ll know. You’ll know. Looper, am I right?

That’s my career. I’m Bruce Willis. I’m 58 years old, but look at my fucking abs.

Nathan Pensky is a writer and editor living in rural Pennsylvania. Follow him on Twitter.