Welcome to Sloshy’s Slosh & Ride

“At Sloshy’s, your children’s safety and enjoyment are our main concerns. But another main concern is ensuring Mom and Dad get sloshed in ways they never have on family vacations before.”

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Illustration courtesy of the Boston Public Library

Welcome to Sloshy’s Slosh & Ride, the world’s only amusement park where children enjoy rides while parents get sloshed in an adjacent, all-inclusive, clothing-optional 209-acre pub. At Sloshy’s, your children’s safety and enjoyment are our main concerns. But another main concern is ensuring Mom and Dad get sloshed in ways they never have on family vacations before. Societal mores demand you spend hard-earned money making memories following the kids around a crowded amusement park. Now you can do all that, without the pesky nuisance of following kids.

Every family is issued two decoy parental figures at the gate, who will spend the day waiting in lines, riding gut-wrenching roller-coasters, sliding down fungal and hepatitis-infested water slides, while parents get sloshed next door. The decoy parents will take constant photos and video of your darlings. We clip a homing beacon to each child’s clothing, allowing parents at any time to catch a glimpse, should they care to, of their children on one of our thousands of televisions found inside Sloshy’s Pub. And the best part — at the end of the day, we Photoshop your faces onto the decoy bodies, creating pictures of your family vacation that will last a lifetime.

While your children enjoy the flume ride, you might choose to lie naked in Cheese Steak Forest — where everything is made of cheese and meat, and it intermittently rains vodka. Hayride, Tilt-a-Whirl, Bumper Cars — we got the kids covered. Why don’t you rekindle the marriage with a dip in Lager Lazy River? Or, what the hell, why not postpone the marriage, just for the day, and venture into Tower of Mattresses and Frozen Margarita Machines, which is the only 20-story maze in North America filled with nothing but mattresses and margarita machines, and not a camera in sight?

Getting sloshed and dancing obnoxiously on tables, slosh-dialing exes from the past, butchering Journey and Bon Jovi at our state-of-the-art karaoke theater — these are not only permissible, at Sloshy’s they are required. Maybe you’ve got an evil streak once you get a few in you. We release mascots into Sloshy’s Pub once an hour. Should you manage to tackle one, you can wear the mascot outfit into the children’s park, where you can obnoxiously chase kids until someone notifies security, or you regurgitate on yourself inside the costume.

At the end of the day, once we’ve Photoshopped a fully sloshed mom and pop into family photos, and transferred the images onto mugs, shirts, calendars, placemats, key rings, Christmas ornaments, hats, jewelry, pillows, you name it, and taken advantage of everyone’s good moods by jacking up the prices, a Sloshy’s representative will wheel your collectors’ items, along with mom and dad, to your room.

Seven-day passes available. Sloshy’s not responsible for lost or soiled parents.

Jon Methven’s writing has appeared in The Awl, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, New York Magazine, n+1 and The Morning News. His first novel, This is Your Captain Speaking, was published by Simon & Schuster. Find his work at JonMethven.com, or follow him on Twitter