VANISH™

Introducing the app that wipes your ex from the hard drive of life.

vanish

Photo courtesy of Alejandro Escamilla

Are you having trouble dealing with the incessant technological reminders that your ex is still out there, eating, breathing, and seemingly avoiding psychological meltdown in the wake of your recent breakup? Are social media platforms making it virtually impossible to escape the haunting memories of rotten relationships past? Then you need VANISH™, the app that puts out old flames… forever.

VANISH™ was built by a team of emotionally compromised designers and programmers who found no matter how much blocking, unfriending and unfollowing they did, they were still able to access photos of their exes enjoying pistachio ice cream with new, financially stable, Cross Fit-loving chowder heads. Tired of their own crippling masochism and feeble levels of self-control, they set out to create a service that would end the vicious cycle of masturbating to fresh pics of old paramours wearing adorable summer rompers, once and for all.

And just like that, VANISH™ was born.

VANISH™ completely eliminates your former lover’s social media presence by deleting him or her in real life. Simply download the app, enter your ex’s name, age, address, allergies, and alarm code. Then, choose a Vanishing Method from our extensive database. Options range from run-of-the-mill departures like “Poisonous Soy Chai Latte” and “Really Infected Toenail,” to more obscure terminations, like “Tropical Lettuce Disease” and “Blood Foot.”

Once you’ve made a selection, our algorithm will triangulate your ex’s location with our nearest Vanisher, and before you know it, you’ll be surfing the web like the good old days; the days before you’d wasted your life on that ungrateful, two-faced sack of donkey excrement.

It’s worth noting that a surge of online activity involving your ex is normal in the weeks following the Vanishing. Sympathetic status updates, memorial JPGs, and previously unseen YouTube videos of the Vanished are sure to infiltrate your feeds in the wake of “tragedy.” To cope, VANISH™ recommends our proprietary two-week technology cleanse.

For $69.99, you can hideaway at our wooded analog retreat, where you will enjoy a peaceful fourteen days with nothing but your guilt-free thoughts. Restless guests can partake in a variety of leisure activities, including grave digging, paper shredding, and pilates. Transportation is provided.

VANISH™ is being hailed as the only free app that can remove a human stain from your social networks without a trace of DNA linking you to their disappearance. And a recent review on LoopHoles.com is calling it “assisted manslaughter, brilliantly disguised.”

Why waste another minute crying over spilt milk, when you can wipe it up with a chloroform-soaked rag?

Download VANISH™ today!

Casey Rand is the co-author of People Who Deserve It: Socially Responsible Reasons to Punch Someone in the Face and has been published on numerous literary and humor blogs, such as Funny Or Die and The Big Jewel.