Just Live With Your Parents

“Experience life at the sociocultural center of your family. Your brother heard about the cat getting sick on the rug — you were THERE.”

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Photo courtesy of the Oregon State University Special Collections & Archives

Need a relaxing getaway from adulthood? Why not move back in with your parents, indefinitely! Here are just a few reasons why that’s probably a good idea:

Rent is free. Which is great because paying rent is really really hard. Like, even if you have the money, it’s hard to remember to write the check, much less where your checkbook is.

Your parents actually own a dishwasher.

What are people even talking about when they talk about “credit”? I have no idea. but under your parents’ roof, you get a sense that it somehow doesn’t apply to you. Here, you get credit for just “being yourself.”

Confidence boost. Feel superior and useful again as you help your parents operate the DVD player. This could look great on your resume as “charity work with senior citizens.”

You finally have time to investigate the mysteries that have plagued you over your parent’s visits for years. What is your mom EVER looking at on her iPhone? (“Brightness and Wallpaper” is probably her favorite game, but she plays “Sounds” a lot, too.)

Just because you’re living with your parents doesn’t mean the party has to stop. The pantry comes stocked with half a dozen partially-depleted bottles of liquor, collected over years of potlucks and holiday parties. What do you get when you mix orange liqueur, margarita mix, and flat ginger ale that’s been sitting in the pantry since Christmas? Who knows! Let’s call it a “Shirley Flat & Orange.”

Experience life at the sociocultural center of your family. Your brother heard about the cat getting sick on the rug — you were THERE.

Learn to enjoy good old fashioned entertainment again. Seems like whenever your parents are around, cell service cuts out and the wifi slows to a crawl. That YouTube video won’t load, but your dad’s story about doing acid at Woodstock has been loaded and ready to go for 30 years.

Deceive yourself just a little longer. If you’re waiting for society to tell you you’re special, stop it, because you’re not. Your parents don’t know that, though, so you might as well trace your unquenchable desire for approval back to its source and buffer your waning self esteem with the pure stuff.

“People do this all the time in Europe!” That’s a thing you can say a lot, because it’s true. Like drinking espresso and having extramarital affairs, living with your parents is totally normal in Europe. Anyway, if you find yourself saying it all the time, you might even just tell people you live in Europe. Same difference, right?

Go a few generations back in Hallie Bateman’s family tree and there are just claw marks left by a family of bears. She sometimes drinks paint water by accident and once drew a series of portraits of her friends as potatoes, which can be seen on her blog. She is the art director of The Bygone Bureau and also tweets.