Having “The Talk” About Cronuts

I think it’s time we talk about what happens when a croissant and a doughnut love each other very much.


Photo courtesy of ccho

Hey Princess. Got a sec?

First of all, I am so proud of you. You’re blossoming into the beautiful, strong, confident, beautiful woman I’ve always known you would beautify into beautifully.

I also know you’re hearing stories from kids at school about a new, fun adult thing. Maybe some of the “cool” girls say they’ve seen it, or even experimented with it. And I’ll bet they make it sound like the greatest thing in the world.

Well let me tell you Princess: it is the greatest thing in the world. It’s a whole-body pleasure like nothing else. It validates all the hassles of being a grown-up. And when you’re older (don’t worry, just a little bit older) you’ll get to experience it for yourself.

In the meantime I want to clear up any misconceptions you have, and make sure you know I’m here for you if you have any questions. Because you’re a young woman now, and you’re ready to have the talk about… cronuts.

Phew. Cronuts. I feel so glad that I can talk with you like this about cronuts!

You see Princess, when people love each other very much, they combine two different kinds of “fun junk” into one orgasmic whole. It’s sticky and gooey and looks kind of silly, and your first time with it will be unforgettable.

Your friends might tell you to hurry up and do it right away. Maybe they’ll go out and find it with strangers, or for money, or even get cronuts through Craigslist. Princess, that’s the most dangerous way someone can have cronuts. And if you don’t approach it safely, with good habits, it can ruin your wonderful body forever.

Now I also don’t want other people putting their judgments onto your life. For crying out loud, it’s 2013! I’ll love and support you whether you want to be abstinent from pastries, or want an active (and responsible!) cronut-life. I’m even there for you if you discover you’re homoconfectional.

See, I wasn’t as lucky as you are. My parents never sat me down and talked to me about cronuts. Back in their day, they’d never even heard of talking about such a thing. How sad is a life like that?

So I want to be a better parent. A parent who’s cronuts-positive. And if you have any questions about cronuts at all, Princess, know that you can ask me about it.

What’s that Princess?

That’s… that’s your question?

Okay, so a cronut is a croissant that gets deep-fried and glazed like a doughnut, hence the…

Christ. Tell me you’re not one of those prude vegans.

Alex Schmidt is a writer, editor, GIF-maker, stand-up comic, Twitter account holder, and filler-outer of bios.