Notes from the Bigoted Ornithologist Association

Presenting new research from the most obstinately intolerant scholars of birds.

Another year has come and gone, which means that some of the most renowned bigots in ornithology had much to report this past weekend at the B.O.A.’s annual convention.

Starting things off, Professor Gimblethwait persuasively argued that male birds are inherently better at spatial navigation and thus should be at the front of any flying V-formation.

Noted culture warrior Lucy Rankin then took the stage and blamed the breakdown of traditional family values on the promiscuous mating habits of the common cuckoo.

Professor Gulbert delivered a compelling genetic argument for the roadrunner’s innate athletic superiority. However, she did admit that she would probably start the slower-footed egret at quarterback because of its intangibles.

A special guest [name redacted] from the Department of Wildlife’s new homeland security division described a pilot government program to affix a nape tag to track every Persian shearwater, Egyptian goose and Oriental turtle-dove nesting in the U.S.

Hardly had the applause died down before Professor Snead galvanized the audience anew by noting that vultures, buzzards and crows compose the 47% of birds who rely on other animals or vehicles to kill their prey for them.

Not to be outdone, the eugenicist Professor Johannson waxed rhapsodic about a future master race of condor-swan-eagles that would be immune from the bird flu. He was ushered off stage as he was canvassing the room for an anti-albatross pogrom.

Dr. Cilic, Eastern Bluebird expert, added that the Orioles were all bums.

Dr. Krunztler proceeded to shock even the most hardened bigots by delivering his otherwise staid lecture on avifauna biodiversity in featherface.

Inspired by Seth MacFarlane’s performance at the Academy Awards, a leering Professor Sancton showed a nine-minute slideshow of tufted titmice, blue-footed boobies and MacQueen bustards baring their crests.

A tough act to follow, but Professor O’Bannon spellbindingly railed against our permissive bird migration policies. He singled out the western sandpiper, whom he somewhat bizarrely accused of “taking all our jobs.”

Lastly, Professor Malowski, the keynote speaker, wrapped things up by decrying the savage custom of regurgitating food into a chick’s mouth. He went on to say that while a bird like the parrot was a good mimic, it was not capable of philosophical reasoning; that while the nightingale’s song was certainly lovely, it could never rival the complex polyphonic structure of a Beethoven symphony; and that woodpeckers had not as of yet produced a novelist to rival Tolstoy.

The bigoted ornithologists then adjourned to the hotel bar, where they enjoyed a sumptuous banquet catered by Chick-fil-A and confided to the staff that some of their best friends were birds.

Until next year everyone!

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Images courtesy of OnFoot4now, Sue Clark, Artbyheather, and april-mo.

Matt Seidel's writing can be found at his website.