Sam the Answer Man

An advice columnist goes to desperate lengths to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend.

Photo courtesy of Peter E. Lee

Dear SAM,

I feel trapped. I have a steady job, but what I really want to do is travel the world. Should I quit my job? Or is becoming a globetrotter just a pipe dream? — Traveling Really A Possibility?

Dear T.R.A.P,

Thanks for your letter. If you think it’s time to move on from your job, you may be right. In fact, my girlfriend Amber recently did the same thing. Well, ex-girlfriend. And the thing she moved on from was our relationship. Point is, if by any chance you are Amber, consider taking me back. Hope that helps!

Dear SAM,

Am I a bad son? My problem is that my mom moved back in with me. Basically, my life revolves around her now. Everything I do, she complains about. Regrettably, I am thinking about putting her in a home. — Unfavorite Son


Never leave someone who loves you! I wish my ex-girlfriend Amber realized that, even though technically she was never really my girlfriend. Also, I noticed that the first letter of every sentence you wrote spells out “AMBER.” Even though you signed with the word “son,” are you actually Amber? Is your mom okay? I miss you.

Dear SAM,

I’m an advice columnist who is nice and a lot more good-looking than people think. And yet my longtime girlfriend broke up with me. (“Girlfriend” might be a strong word — we sat next to each other on the bus and I smiled at her once but she says she doesn’t want to check out what my apartment looks like.) Why? — Magnificent Ex

Dear M.E.,

Wow, you seem like a great guy! Everyone, especially the love of your life, Amber, should track you down and start dating you immediately! I used to be a man and now I am nothing.

Dear SAM,

A weird guy on the bus is obsessed with me. He keeps calling me his “girlfriend” even though we’re basically strangers. Should I give him a chance anyway? — Amber


Yes! Sounds like this probable-hunk is super thoughtful but also tough. God, he’s so lonely right now, you beautiful life-ruiner.

Dear SAM,

I recently wrote a letter posing as a girl I’m in love with and submitted it to an advice columnist. Now I feel terrible and I’m sorry. — Sad Awful Man

Dear S.A.M,

I bet it wasn’t easy to be so honest. You really should be commended. Just keep being yourself and remember that all women love a man who is not afraid to cry, even if it’s during the day and for seemingly no reason. Every girl except for Amber apparently! You must find solace in your work. Keep those letter coming!

Please send your questions or offers to reunite to Sam the Answer Man. Please.

Sam Weiner is a staff writer for The Onion News Network and the co-author (with Daniel Kibblesmith) of the book How To Win At Everything. Sometimes he tweets.