Facebook Announces Its Latest Privacy Settings

Dear Facebook users,

In our ongoing effort to bring you the best social networking service the internet has to offer, we are announcing some changes to our privacy settings. If privacy is not important to you, which is our default assumption, please disregard this message and continue stalking people you vaguely know.

It has come to our attention that a loophole in our search feature enables friends to access your social security number, bank account information, and credit card billing history.

You are friends with these people, but if for some selfish reason you want to keep this data to yourself, we have now provided an option, hidden deep within a complicated network of links, pages, sub-pages, pop-up windows, and drop-down menus, that will probably let you disable it.

Disable it temporarily, that is, because it will eventually be reactivated by accident whenever we make another unnecessary change to the site layout. We think it’s better that you find out about this after it happens so as not to ruin the surprise.

In addition, another glitch seems to let those on Facebook who are not your friends access the email account you used to sign up for the service. Please be reassured that our troubleshooting experts are hard at work trying to fix this problem by next week or maybe never.

Lastly, some of you have clamored for more control over what information you can share with your Facebook friends, and we’ve heard those complaints — and lawsuits — loud and clear. That’s why we’re announcing an exciting new feature that you privacy junkies will just eat up.

Starting right now, you’ll see a new feed on your profile that automatically posts your thoughts in real time, and can range from what you’re thinking of having for dinner tonight to the fleeting observation that your sister is probably amazing in bed.

The advantage for those of you who are privacy nuts is that this feature’s disable option is entirely in your control. Don’t want your girlfriend to know that you’re planning a surprise birthday party for her? Or that you once accidentally locked her cat in the bathroom all day? Simple: Just don’t think about it. And no one will ever know. How easy is that?

With this innovative feature, you’ll never have to wonder in agony, “Does my hot co-worker Brian think I’m cute?” All you have to do is log on to Facebook, ask him to be your friend, and when he accepts, see that he actually thinks you’re boring and ugly. Dilemma solved!

We believe these much-needed modifications will tangle your social network in increasingly awkward and embarrassing ways, which is our main goal here at Facebook. And Jessica Kirkland, of Portland, OR, we see you’re thinking of eating your second pint of Breyers Triple Chocolate ice cream tonight, going another week without shaving your legs, and deleting your Facebook account — we urge you to reconsider, you insecure, friendless misanthrope.

Your Facebook Team