Thank You for Your Recent Submission

Dear Mr. Hansford,

Thank you for your recent submission to our “Ugliest Dog in the World!” photo contest. Unfortunately, your entry titled “My ex-girlfriend, Sarah” is not what we are looking for. True, a bitch is a female dog, and based on your descriptions Sarah sounds terrible, but we are a family company and try to find the beautiful in even the ugliest of creatures.

Thank you,

Iams Dog Food Company


Dear Mr. Hansford,

We will not be featuring your piece “Sarah Carter, Succubus of the Soul” in our publication. The motif of man’s dependence symbolized through unreturned phone calls and text messages felt hackneyed and the story lacked compelling conflict. Our staff was, however, saddened to learn at the end of the story that Sarah did not plan on returning the diamond earrings that were purchased for her thirtieth birthday. The work has its charms but lacked the je ne se quois readers have to come expect from The Paris Review. Good luck in all of your future endeavors, romantic or otherwise.

Bonne chance,

The Paris Review


Dear Mr. Hansford,

Thank you for submitting your resume and cover letter for the volunteer intern position at the Brooklyn Battered Women’s Shelter, but we are afraid you may have misunderstood the purpose of our organization.

Sincerely,

BBWS


Dear Mr. Hansford,

Your Posting has been flagged for removal.

Thank you,

Craigslist


Dear Mr. Hansford,

Your application for asylum to the Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada (“IRB”) has been denied. The IRB reviews hundreds of applications each day and your needs do not qualify you for refugee status, even if Ms. Carter did what you claimed with your brother and childhood pastor. Frankly, what you did to her dog is inexcusable and people like you are not welcome in Canada.

Sincerely,

Catherine Butler, Deputy Chairperson, IRB Canada


Dear Mr. Hansford,

Please meet me at my office tomorrow morning. I would love to discuss the actions we could pursue against Ms. Carter. Please know that I charge $300 for the initial consultation.

Sincerely,

Adam Wollstein
Wollstein & Associates, LLC

Alexander Birkhold lives in Brooklyn and has a half-finished screenplay in his desk drawer like all of the other attorneys he knows.