Uncomfortable Teammates

“I will be uncomfortable… It will be difficult and uncomfortable.”
— Detroit Tiger Torii Hunter, on how he’d feel having a gay teammate

If one of my teammates was a communist, it would be difficult to be around him, especially if he used code words like “comrade.” When I’m changing before the game, I don’t want the guy in the locker next to me thinking about how he wants to eliminate the power of the bourgeoisie in order to create a dictatorship of the proletarian. That would just creep the hell out of me.

If one of my teammates was a robot, that would definitely make things difficult. Here I am with my flesh and bone, and there he is made of shiny titanium or whatever. I wouldn’t blame him for being titanium… I realize that’s just the way he was constructed… but still, talk about uncomfortable. A cyborg might be okay, though. Still a difficult situation, but at least we’d have a little something in common.

If one of my teammates was a big Beatles fan, it would make things fairly uncomfortable for me. Being around Beatles fans makes me nervous for some reason. It’s not that I think they’re going to turn me into a raging Beatlemaniac. I mean, there’s probably zero chance of something like that happening, right? Either way, it makes me worry about the comfort factor.

If one of my teammates was the legendary Bigfoot, I’d be pretty uncomfortable because he’s known for walking around naked. The locker room is full of naked guys, but a naked Bigfoot would be different somehow.

If one of my teammates was a critically-acclaimed TV series on AMC, I’d be uncomfortable even if I had to admit I was just a tiny bit curious.

If one of my teammates was a space alien who wanted to enslave the human race, that would make things extremely difficult. I like humans. No, I love ‘em. Absolutely love ‘em. And there he’d be, sitting right next to me in the dugout, feeling the exact opposite way about humans. Un-freaking-comfortable.

If one of my teammates was a gay space alien, I’d be perfectly fine with that because in this case he wouldn’t be here to conquer us, so why worry, and also sometimes I just think it might be kind of cool to have a space alien for a friend.

Illustrations courtesy of The Library of Congress

Ralph Gamelli is of average height, weight, and intelligence, and requires the average amount of time to grow a respectable mustache. His ability to write an interesting bio, however, is far below average.