Thank you so much for submitting your essay about diabetic Jewish sheep to The Beanstalk Quarterly Review. I really enjoyed reading it. It was smart, funny, thoughtful, and very well researched! You have such a great writing style. To be honest, I loved it so much that I sent it around to all my colleagues here at the office. We sat around discussing it afterwards, and I think at one point Naomi even said it was the best thing she’d read all year. Fred said he thought it might be the best thing he’d read in the past five years, at which point Lindsay said it was the best piece she’d read in a decade!
Since we liked it so much, we thought we’d play a little game to see how it held up against other great writing. We set up an informal bracket, pitting your essay in a quarter-finals type scenario against work by Joan Didion, David Foster Wallace, and John Jeremiah Sullivan. And you know what? Your amazing essay about diabetic Jewish sheep won! Congratulations! You are really a terrific writer.
We liked it so much we’re thinking of instituting a monthly Jillian Steinhauer Appreciation Day here at the office. We haven’t quite figured out the details yet; we’re thinking we’ll either have lunchtime seminars and lectures about your work or there will be a Jillian Steinhauer lookalike contest. Just in case we go with the latter, would you mind sending us some photos of you through the years? We Google Image searched you, but there aren’t too many pictures of you online, and we were hoping you could send us some primary source material. Alternatively, I’m not at my Facebook friend limit yet, and that’s a great way to get to know someone — more intimate than Twitter, you know? Plus, that way I could stay up to date on your fantastic writing as you publish it!
Like I said, we really loved your essay and think it’s a fantastic piece of work. Unfortunately, we just can’t accept it for publication right now. You know how it is — publishing is crazy these days! But please do submit to us again; we’d be so honored to read more of your work. And maybe you can swing by for Jillian Steinhauer Appreciation Day sometime.
All my best,