Apple CFO Jerry Seinfeld Addresses the Shareholders

What’s the deal with our stock price?


Wow, thank you. It’s been an amazing year hasn’t it? We are just killing it with all the gadgets every quarter. Hey, have you ever wondered why we do that with the quarters? So much extra reporting. We should just split the fiscal year in half, even Steven, right down the middle. Make it like a soccer game. Then we can all take two weeks off in June to eat orange slices while some guy from Finland rubs our calves and tells us we had a great first half.

How about these iPods? We’re still selling these things. I know, big surprise. I don’t get it though. I mean whenever someone says “iPod” I hear, “eye pod,” which makes me think of polyps. No thank you sir, I do not want to see your new eye pod. We’re at dinner and I don’t care if it’s purple, I just want to eat my steak without thinking about skin growths. It’s disgusting. And that goes for your ear buds too. At least wait until after we’ve tried the ganache.

I don’t know, maybe that’s why iPod sales are down 10% every year. What can you do?

I’ll tell you what you can do. Make them smaller. Nano polyps. How small can we make these things? Where does it end? The thing holds like a million songs already and is the size of a Cheez-It. I mean, how small does your personal music library need to be? Would you finally be satisfied if you could fit Chopin in a Tic Tac? I don’t think so. Speaking of Tic Tacs, ever notice how the box says “zero sugar” even though these things are, basically, sugar pills? It’s crazy. Can we please hire these guys? They figured out how to make a single Tic Tac, which by the way is made entirely out of sugar, weigh just less than the legal requirement for declaring sugar, so they can sell sugar-free sugar. Now that’s how you make things smaller.

Hey what’s the deal with everyone and these accessories? Enough with the adding on, already, it’s like admitting that we sold an incomplete product. Take the 55 million iPhone cases we sold this year. If you had told me back in the 80s that we’d be sitting around a table in Cupertino talking about the billion dollars we made just selling cases for cell phones, I’d probably be like, “Cell phone? Isn’t that when prisoners empty their toilets and whisper to each other through the plumbing? We’re going to make a case for that? And why the hell am I in Cupertino?” But you can’t argue with a net profit of $9.30 per diluted share. It’s almost enough to make you forget that there’s no dividend this quarter.

I heard an analyst on TV the other day describe our stock as a real roller coaster. Now there’s something I’ve never understood. Roller coasters. I’m going to pay you to almost kill me and then right before you kill me, you’re going to save me by flipping me upside down, sending me through a cave and then dropping me off right where I started? And you’re going to try to sell me a picture of myself screaming in mid-flight, right at the moment I thought I was about to die? No thanks. I’ll just fly Southwest.

People spent $40 billion on iPads this year. That’s not a joke, but I’m working on a good bit about the iPad mini for next year so don’t you worry.

OK, I need to wrap this up. But first, raise your hand if you use a computer. That’s what I thought. Have you tried doing anything without a computer lately? It’s impossible. You want money from the bank? ATM computer. You want gas for your car? Pump computer. You looking for a news story explaining why your shares dropped 5% even though our gross margin was over 40%? Computer computer. You want to find out what you can do to shrink that eye pod? WebMD. Anyway I guess what I’m saying is, we’re in the right business, people.

Photo courtesy of Alan Light

Sloan Schang is a writer in Portland, Oregon. He has contributed to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Morning News, Thought Catalog, The Bygone Bureau, Hobart, McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals, McSweeney’s Quarterly, and to a variety of other printed publications. He's also on Twitter.