Droneland

Alex Schmidt wonders what would happen if Showtime’s “Homeland” reflected America’s use of drone strikes.

droneland

The Vice President: It’s my pleasure to hold this press conference for the most successful American military asset in Pakistan.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Carrie: Something is not right about him. I know that because I was in Iraq.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Carrie: Clearly he’s communicating with faraway masters, using some kind of code.


Carrie: You have to let me do surveillance on him (I’m already doing surveillance on him).

Saul: No Carrie.

Carrie: He acted like a terrorist in Pakistan.

Saul: Impossible Carrie. He obeys the Commander in Chief, and unlike super mean George W. Bush, Barack Obama seems cool and groovy.

Carrie: Look at this proof that the Obama Administration ordered him to fire missiles at Pakistani civilians.

Saul: Obama’s policies don’t matter. What matters is that Obama seems cool and groovy.

Carrie: He hovered over harmless villages in Waziristan, blowing up families, just to spread fear among—

Saul: COOL. AND. GROOVY.


Sepia-toned flashback, from Drone TK-738’s POV. He fires a rocket at a group of Pakistani men, obliterating them.

Drone TK-738: Order completed.

He fires a rocket at a Pakistani mother and child, obliterating them.

Drone TK-738: Order completed.

Drone continues to hover over the terrified Pakistani village for three years, regularly beeping.


Jessica: I never thought you would come home (so I had sex with your friend Mike).

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Jessica: Anyway now that you’re back we can have sex.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Jessica: Why not?

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps, removes shirt]

Jessica: Oh, you’re right, I would not want to have sex with that.


Carrie: I’ve done so much illegal surveillance on you that now I’m in love with you.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Carrie: Okay fine, I also think you’re a terrorist, and not a Christian, and trying to blow up the Vice President.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Carrie: Yes, we do have a lot of trust issues.


Washington Insider: We think you should run for Congress.

Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]

Jessica: But he seems mentally unfit for the job.

Washington Insider: Yes but so are all the other people in Congress.


Saul: Carrie, electroshock therapy is barbaric. It won’t “fix” you.

Carrie: Well everyone knows he’s a terrorist, and nobody cares except me. So I must be insane.

Saul: Carrie, you’re not “insane”—

Carrie: Plus I can never go back to Langley.

Saul: But Carrie–

Carrie: And I fell in love with a military drone. And had lots of sex with it.

Saul: Wait, what? Really?

Carrie: Yes, really.

Saul: ….

Carrie: He seemed nice—

Saul: What’s the holdup Doc? Juice her already.

Credits roll, season ends.

Alex Schmidt is a writer, editor, GIF-maker, stand-up comic, Twitter account holder, and filler-outer of bios.