The Vice President: It’s my pleasure to hold this press conference for the most successful American military asset in Pakistan.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Carrie: Something is not right about him. I know that because I was in Iraq.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Carrie: Clearly he’s communicating with faraway masters, using some kind of code.
Carrie: You have to let me do surveillance on him (I’m already doing surveillance on him).
Saul: No Carrie.
Carrie: He acted like a terrorist in Pakistan.
Saul: Impossible Carrie. He obeys the Commander in Chief, and unlike super mean George W. Bush, Barack Obama seems cool and groovy.
Carrie: Look at this proof that the Obama Administration ordered him to fire missiles at Pakistani civilians.
Saul: Obama’s policies don’t matter. What matters is that Obama seems cool and groovy.
Carrie: He hovered over harmless villages in Waziristan, blowing up families, just to spread fear among—
Saul: COOL. AND. GROOVY.
Sepia-toned flashback, from Drone TK-738’s POV. He fires a rocket at a group of Pakistani men, obliterating them.
Drone TK-738: Order completed.
He fires a rocket at a Pakistani mother and child, obliterating them.
Drone TK-738: Order completed.
Drone continues to hover over the terrified Pakistani village for three years, regularly beeping.
Jessica: I never thought you would come home (so I had sex with your friend Mike).
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Jessica: Anyway now that you’re back we can have sex.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Jessica: Why not?
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps, removes shirt]
Jessica: Oh, you’re right, I would not want to have sex with that.
Carrie: I’ve done so much illegal surveillance on you that now I’m in love with you.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Carrie: Okay fine, I also think you’re a terrorist, and not a Christian, and trying to blow up the Vice President.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Carrie: Yes, we do have a lot of trust issues.
Washington Insider: We think you should run for Congress.
Drone TK-738: [series of beeps]
Jessica: But he seems mentally unfit for the job.
Washington Insider: Yes but so are all the other people in Congress.
Saul: Carrie, electroshock therapy is barbaric. It won’t “fix” you.
Carrie: Well everyone knows he’s a terrorist, and nobody cares except me. So I must be insane.
Saul: Carrie, you’re not “insane”—
Carrie: Plus I can never go back to Langley.
Saul: But Carrie–
Carrie: And I fell in love with a military drone. And had lots of sex with it.
Saul: Wait, what? Really?
Carrie: Yes, really.
Saul: ….
Carrie: He seemed nice—
Saul: What’s the holdup Doc? Juice her already.
Credits roll, season ends.
