Weird News from Weirdsville

This just in, from Ralph Gamelli.


April 21: At approximately 4 p.m., it was widely reported throughout town that tiny drops of water had begun to fall from the sky. The bizarre phenomenon lasted only a few minutes, but left streets and other surfaces covered with an eerie wetness. Many took this as an ominous sign of the approaching end times and were only comforted hours later by a common rain of frogs.

May 6: Funeral services were held today for Martha Pendleton, 63, who often awakens to find herself in the morgue. However, the deceased failed to inexplicably rise during the services at Weirdsville Funeral Home or the subsequent burial, making for a rather long, boring afternoon.

May 23: Daniel Chase, 29, was struck by lightning in his front yard and awoke in Weirdsville Hospital three days later with no special abilities or mental powers. Doctors are calling his recovery “normal” and estimate that he will be able to walk and feed himself within the next 10 to 12 years.


June 15: Told by several people in town that he looked different somehow, Gavin Belmont, 44, revealed that he had stopped wearing his usual beard of bees and was instead sporting a beard composed of what he called “facial hair.” Some charged that Mr. Belmont had gone Hollywood, while others, more sympathetic, believed he was simply going through a mid-life crisis.

August 10: Charles Lester, 56, was driving along Old Cemetery Road when he spotted the ghost of a young lady in flowing white, who flagged him down and begged for a ride to an elegant ball she was late for. Lester obliged, feeling sad that fate would forever deny her wish: but instead of uncannily vanishing from the passenger seat, the female specter pulled out a knife, forced Lester to pull over, and drove off with his Chevy Impala. Police questioned several of the town’s ghost hitchhikers, but could make no progress in the case until the perpetrator was picked up 50 miles away in Forest Spring after knocking off a liquor store.

August 19: A meteorite plunged through the atmosphere and did not smash through the roof of Jonathon Ferris, 35, who is regularly hit on the head by falling space debris while taking a bath. The meteorite instead landed in a meadow over half a mile away, injuring no one, causing no damage, and pushing Mr. Ferris into the depths of an existential crisis.


September 3: Franklin Monroe, 41, divorced his wife of eight years: a Border Collie named Betsy: and married an actual human woman. He and Betsy remain friendly.

September 15: While cleaning his pistol, Mark Dansforth, 39, accidentally discharged the weapon, failing to hit a burglar who just happened to be sneaking through his window at the time. Nor did the bullet hit Mr. Dansforth’s two-timing wife, or a framed picture of his mother-in-law, or his own foot, or any other object or person that could conceivably turn this into a strangely humorous anecdote. The burglar fled immediately after the incident, and all parties will try again tomorrow.

Illustration by Hallie Bateman

Ralph Gamelli is of average height, weight, and intelligence, and requires the average amount of time to grow a respectable mustache. His ability to write an interesting bio, however, is far below average.