Vacant Lot for Sale

Sean Adams has some property that might interest you.

for_sale

Beautiful vacant lot for sale by owner at 139 W. Thompson Way! Can even be called a “parcel of land” if you’re the kind of person who uses words like “parcel.”

Airy, open design. Estimated to have been built about 4.5 billion years ago! Many modern updates, but still maintains that vintage feel.

Located on a paved road with many deep, exciting potholes that provide a view into the past, to a time before pavement!

Amazing curb appeal! Seriously, like, this curb is SEXY! That might not make sense if you haven’t seen it, but come for a visit and you’ll understand. It’s just like, “Damn! That curb is FINE!”

Move-in ready for outdoorsy and/or exhibitionist types. Otherwise, lot would make a great site for a quaint, rustic cabin. Cabins not your style? Then build yourself a hilarious, ironic cabin! (Lot only zoned for cabins, although a hole with a tarp over it is negotiable if you have a nice enough tarp.)

Conveniently located between a minimart and a factory. Take a deep breath. What’s that you smell? It’s productivity! Or sulfur! Either way, it’ll get you up, out the door, and ready to start your day!

Minimart is open 24 hours. You’re going to love living within walking distance of one of the block’s hottest nightlife destinations!

Factory also operates at all hours, providing white noise to help you sleep. Giant smokestacks are visible for miles; will make giving directions to your new cabin a breeze! And huge, billowing clouds of dark smoke are great if you love thunderstorms but hate the rain!

Want to save a little bit of money? Cancel your HBO subscription! Factory’s designated employee smoking area (located directly across property line) provides plenty of gritty, hard-hitting drama!

About factory workers: we’ve approached the factory owner to request that he organize shifts so that only the most attractive employees work when the typical resident would be home (before 9 a.m., after 5 p.m.). Officially, he has said, “no,” but our eyes tell a different story, if you know what we mean!

Not looking for a place to live? No problem. Lot would make a fantastic income property! Excellent space to start a small business! In fact, it’s already equipped with everything you need for a limited-output turf farm. Could do wonderful business catering to consumers looking to give their lawn that stylish weathered/mangled look.

Or maybe you want to give back? Maybe you want to provide something that everyone can partake in? Well, lot could also be a great site for a community garden! As long as all plants are potted. And placed inside a cabin. (Seriously, you can only build cabins here.)

If interested, please call the number below to schedule a full tour! If you’re looking at the flyer on-site, drive at least three blocks before calling. Lot is dead zone as far as cell coverage goes. But call soon, because this is one hot piece of property! Like, actually hot. Ground is 113 degrees to the touch. No open-toed shoes allowed on the tour.


Illustration by Sabrina Scott

Sean Adams lives in Seattle, where he works as a staff writer for Woot.com. His stuff has been published on McSweeney’s, The Morning News, and elsewhere in print and online.