Scheduled Service Disruptions

Joe Veix and the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority are pleased to announce the following scheduled service changes for select subway lines.

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This month, Brooklyn-bound A trains will run on the local track, as C trains are being de-gummed.

All D train service will be delayed in observance of the Low Holidays. Service will be suspended entirely on Flag Day, Pi Day, and National Toothache Day.

S trains will be running as normal, but will remain ominously uncrowded.

The F train will undergo construction every day between 8:00-10:30 a.m., 11:30-11:55 a.m., and 4:25-8:35 p.m., except on Wednesdays, when construction will occur opposite the latter times. On Thursdays and Saturdays, F trains will utilize the standard schedule while observing Bangladesh Standard Time, but only on odd-numbered days, if the moon is waning from Gibbous to Crescent. At all other times, service will continue as normal.

For the duration of spring, select Z trains will be running on a delayed schedule, to host an exclusive run of the acclaimed performance “Mariachi Break Dance.” Pitchfork has described it as “a lush harbinger of our cross-generational technophobic malaise.”

Due to ongoing construction, the 2nd Avenue Subway will be delayed for 100 years.

All downtown 6 trains will be incorporated into the official Sex and the City filming locations tour.

Because of ongoing signal maintenance, Queens-bound G train service will cease at the Bedford-Nostrand station. Continued uptown service will be available via shuttle bus. Free vouchers to ride the shuttle bus will be distributed after correctly answering no less than three (3) riddles.

Due to construction, all B trains will be accessible via obstacle course.

Uptown 4 trains will not stop again until New Lots Ave, and if anyone so much as utters a peep, we’ll have no problem turning the damn trains around.

All 7 train service will be delayed due to a severe Kindle fire.

Due to limited funding, all J trains will now be brought to you by the Goober Acetate, Dioxin, & Maple Syrup Concern of Mahwah. The cleaning of all station stops will now be proudly sponsored by AXE Body Spray for Emotionally Stunted Men.

Downtown 5 train service will be delayed for the coming two weeks, for the taping of the new MTV reality show, “Tunnel of Love,” in which twenty female co-eds from New Jersey compete for the affection of a freshly made-over train conductor, using only their wits and mixed martial arts combat. What they don’t know yet is, the conductor is gay.

For late nights on weekdays, E trains will be used as mixed metaphors during Republican stump speeches.

The South Ferry-bound 1 train platform at Dyckman St. will be closed for rehabilitation. It is expected to kick the habit soon.

The R train will be getting some much-needed rest.

Next month, L train service will be suspended entirely, as all trains will be on tour with their experimental noise pop bands.

All Q trains will be celebrating Casual Friday.

All M train service will be delayed due to a rat hijacking. Service will remain halted until “the demands of the Honorable Rat King are met.”

For the remainder of the year, all N trains will be submerged underwater.

All 2 trains will be filled with unstoppable swarms of bedbugs.

All 3 train passengers between 14th Street and 42nd Street will be eliminated.

Next month, Brooklyn-bound A trains will again run on the local track, as C trains are being re-gummed.


Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Joe Veix is a Brooklyn-based writer and comedian who has a blog, a Twitter, and feelings.