Ask Ono!

Ariana Lenarsky presents a selection of letters to Ono, the Midwest’s premiere advice columnist for anthropomorphic birds.


Dear Ono,

I do not like worms. However, I am an early riser. What should I do?

Conflicted in Cypress

Ms. Ono,

There is a rumor going around my office that you write with a quill. Is this true? You should be ashamed of yourself.


Dear Ono,

Yesterday my son looked me right in the eye and said he wanted to attend his girlfriend’s Thanksgiving feast. I am heartbroken and appalled, but my husband says I should let him live his life and “let the feathers fall where they may.” Do I have the right to say no to this?

Not a Triptofan

Dear Ono,

I am a very big figure within my company, but I hate my job. Unfortunately, if I quit, it will be nearly impossible to find a replacement for me. I find my work unbelievably childish, and my coworkers are quite literally monsters. I am miserable. Please advise.


Hi Ms. Ono,

My friend Lola and I are in a disagreement over whether or not a father bird should be informed when a mother bird decides to drop. My friend says if a mother wants to roll her egg out of the nest, it’s her choice, but I say it’s his egg too. Am I being naive, or is she selfish?

Wanda in Water Oak

Dear Ono,

I recently saw a film Roger Ebert declared “for the birds.” I consider broad generalizations to be damaging, but I must admit, I enjoyed the film immensely! How can I publicly express my enthusiasm without reenforcing vicious stereotypes?


Dear Ono,

What are some precautionary measures I can teach my children about window safety? We have just moved into a place with really big ones, and naturally I am nervous.


Hi Ono,

I am an excellent secret keeper, but because I am little, everyone assumes I tell people every last bit of news and gossip I get my ears on. I suspect I am often denied job interviews based on my size. My career is suffering and my feelings are hurt. What are my legal rights in these situations, and how can I gain some weight?


Dear Ms. Ono,

In your opinion, who has done more for the community: Andrew, Charlie, or Larry? I have a book report due Tuesday.

Molly in Magnolia

Dear Bird,

I am a new beautiful bird. I am new in town. I am not sure where all the new, and old, birds like me congregate together. I would like to know exactly where that place is, except if that place is in the air, or on a telephone wire. I will find all those easy places on my own, ha ha! No, I am specifically looking for places either on the ground, or in a not-particularly-high tree. I am curious about those places! Please tell me exactly how to find those places, and any other places with lots and lots of birds like me.

I am a bird,


Dear Ms. Ono

How I am hoping you will print my letter! What wonderful news I have. I recently opened Moment to Arise, a flight school based out of Louisville, KY for the underprivileged. It is the first of its kind. In celebration of our grand opening, we are accepting new students at a reduced rate. Though our school is designed specifically to meet the needs of chickens and other poultry, we will also consider Emperor Penguins and Blue-footed Boobies. We will not turn anyone away based on past drug, credit, or clipped-wing history. The only thing we ask for is the opportunity to fulfill a dream.


Col. Harland S.

Illustration by Anika Orrock

Ariana Lenarsky is a writer, musician, and improvisor living in Los Angeles, where she is community manager for Small Demons. She tumbls here and you can email her here.