Videogame Designer, 29, Seeks Roommate

A room is available for rent in Beth Newell’s building. Applicants must possess basic cooking, housekeeping, and rocket-jumping skills.

Doom 2

Hello, I am a videogame designer seeking a new roommate in my industrial loft building. The space boasts many unique amenities including crates, barrels, and beautiful exposed cinder block walls, which ooze a glossy green discharge on warm days.

I am looking for someone who does not mind the clanking sound of my feet on the 40-foot high catwalks. I usually pace these at night, while carrying my M16, plasma rifle, or occasionally a rocket launcher. Some nights I will have to use these weapons on thugs, dinosaurs, or aliens that enter the complex. Don’t worry, these intruders usually only appear, as if out of nowhere, when I walk down to the lower level. Also, should you choose to use the catwalk, don’t be alarmed by the gaps in the railing. I think you’ll find that you’re able to fall from this height and land remarkably unscathed.

I’m looking for a roommate who won’t snoop around my computer or my bedroom. They especially must not explore the northwest corridor of the building. The area contains a nuclear testing facility, which may explode if you enter it through the wrong portal.

Future roommates are responsible for buying their own food and should NOT eat anything from the refrigerators in the biohazard containment room. The specimens in those refrigerators are both very dangerous and necessary to our survival should a countdown begin, signaling our need to escape through the labyrinthine corridors below the complex.

Anyone replying to this ad should be LGBT friendly and comfortable living with a hologram. Her name is Nadine. She will appear if you press the red button on the western wall. If you must enter the northwest corridor, Nadine can give you semi-specific directions on how you might successfully navigate it. Know that you will be taking on this mission at your own risk.

Please be tidy! We are dealing with a roach and mouse infestation at the moment, and even a small trail of blood will have them scurrying around for days. Also, these are not your ordinary “non-genetically engineered” roaches and mice. They will only retreat at the sight of a flamethrower.

Also, please NO PETS. Any wandering animals risk being swept up by a mass of sentient dark energy.

No music! I already have a theme song that plays on a loop.

One bedroom has already been subleased by a grad student in business school. He mostly keeps to himself unless he’s in need of a power-up. Your bedroom is easily accessible through a hidden air vent off the main entrance to the compound. It contains a stained military cot, which you are welcome to replace at your own expense (IKEA will deliver), and a large bubbling vat of acid, which doubles as a hot tub once emptied. There is also a pipe that drips, but I think you will find yourself lulled to sleep by the unnaturally uniform intervals of the sound.

Total rent is $650 per month, electricity included. Will consider weapons trades in exchange for first and last month’s rent. Large-breasted, cigar-smoking female roommate preferred. We’re looking for someone who can stay until December when the lease officially ends, or until the government robot spies discover our location.

The L train is just 25 minutes away by foot, or five minutes by jet-powered motorcycle.

Serious inquiries only. Available immediately.

Beth Newell writes and performs comedy around NYC. She has a twitter and a website.