Summer Movie Preview

Ralph Gamelli takes a look at this summer’s blockbusters.

summer_movies

Big Science Fiction Movie IV (May 25)

It’s been nearly a decade since Big Science Fiction Movie III came out, and no one was looking for another sequel — but here it comes anyway. Because you saw the first three films in the series, you’ll feel obligated to immediately go see this one out of some warped sense of completion, instead of simply waiting for the DVD. For that reason, you can look forward to Big Science Fiction Movie V, coming to a theater near you in summer, 2021.

Move Based On Old TV Show (June 8)

All your favorite characters are back in this big-screen adaptation of the barely-remembered ‘80s TV series. Explosions will occur much more frequently than they used to, and on a larger, more expensive scale. In tribute to the original show, Aging TV Star Who Hasn’t Had A Job In Thirty Years makes a fun cameo, so remember to sit through all eight minutes of the closing credits for a brief glimpse of him.

Yet Another Gross-Out Comedy (June 15)

On the heels of Original Gross-Out Comedy, Sort Of A Rip-off of Original Gross-Out Comedy and Completely Blatant Rip-Off of Original Gross-Out Comedy comes this newest entry in the genre. Look for plenty of foul language, over-the-top situations, and at least one particularly disgusting scene involving a hot air balloon, a political rally, and a bodily fluid.

Hugely Popular Superhero’s Second Movie (June 22)

Two years ago, Hugely Popular Superhero’s First Movie set records for largest opening weekend and most cases of CGI-induced seizure. This sequel will continue laying out Hugely Popular Superhero’s fascinating origin story, which was about one-quarter complete by the end of the first film.

Ridiculous Action Movie (June 29)

After years of declining popularity, Muscular Movie Star Who Is Too Old To Be Completely Believable In The Role returns to the character that made him famous and finds that he must once again kill lots of bad guys for some reason. Will his talent for shooting big guns and mumbling quips lure in enough nostalgic forty-somethings to re-ignite his career, or will he be forced to go back to starring in homoerotic, exercise-machine infomercials? Hopefully, both.

Stuffy Drama (July 13)

Big-budget spectaculars rule every summer movie season, but there’s always one film where everyone sits around talking, while the whole time nothing is blowing up. Sometimes the actors wear period costumes. Sometimes not. This is that film. Fortunately, it will vanish from theaters in a week and save you the momentary unpleasantness of noticing the lobby poster.

Somewhat Familiar Superhero: The Movie (July 27)

Class B Superhero Known Mostly To Comic Book Fanatics finally gets a chance to shine in his first feature film, in which he faces off against his archnemesis Vaguely Familiar Super Villain. Expect not-quite-mainstream thrills galore.

Remake of Near-Classic Movie (August 3)

It’s been twenty years, so it was time for Remake of Near-Classic Movie, even though the original isn’t dated in the slightest. Just pretend this new version doesn’t exist. (Warning: If you do go to see it, you’ll automatically hate the original, because newer is always better.)

Movie Based On Old Board Game (August 10)

When this project was originally announced, movie fans were skeptical. Many of the finest achievements in film have been based on video games and children’s toys — but how can anything of value be inspired by an old board game? Answer: It can’t. However, the movie does attain a certain level of credibility thanks to Respectable Aging Movie Star, who accepted a large paycheck to play Military Authority Figure and damage his career. Featuring an up-and-coming cast of semi-recognizable TV and pop stars, and plenty of explosions, Movie Based On Old Board Game comes to magnificent new life, as only the best two-hour, 250-million-dollar commercials can.

Boring Romantic Comedy (August 24)

Will Pretty Yet Quirky Actress and Blandly Handsome Terrible Actor ever come to their senses and realize they’re perfect for each other? Who cares? Expect a highly sentimental conclusion and at least nine scenes involving a bodily fluid.


Illustration by Hallie Bateman

Ralph Gamelli is of average height, weight, and intelligence, and requires the average amount of time to grow a respectable mustache. His ability to write an interesting bio, however, is far below average.