Thanks to new information acquired when my tinfoil hat slipped off for a minute, I can tell you the reasons behind many otherwise perplexing or vexing events. If you think you’re living in a random, meaningless universe, prepare to be comforted and enlightened.
Thing: You lost your job.
Suspected reasons: Poor economy. Your boss is a tool. You’re terrible at your job.
Actual reason: Odin lost your job to Xenu at poker.
Thing: Wealthy people control everything.
Suspected reasons: Greed. Conspiracy. Corruption.
Actual reason: The secret lizard people who control everything are terrible with money, so they give power to the wealthy in exchange for a healthy allowance.
Thing: A dude at the coffee shop keeps yelling into his phone about his dog’s diarrhea.
Suspected reason: He’s a jackass.
Actual reason: God is a dog, and He was concerned about His own digestive health but also hard of hearing. Therefore, making that guy yell was His best option.
Thing: Many people believe the Rapture is coming.
Suspected reasons: People are crazy and gullible. The Rapture is coming.
Actual reason: Thor tried to assemble some shelves from IKEA with his hammer and hit his thumb really hard. This always results in Rapture-mania, which should go down with the swelling of Thor’s thumb.
Suspected reason: Shifting tectonic plates.
Actual reason: Ghosts. You see, ghosts cause natural disasters when they’re bored.
Thing: Leggings commonly worn as pants.
Suspected reasons: Women are crazy. The fashion world is desperate.
Actual reason: Athena has been wearing leggings since time immemorial, and she demands company.
Thing: A bird pooped on your head.
Suspected reasons: Bad luck. Good luck. Birds are evil.
Actual reason: That was no bird. It was an angel. Angels are the Jerky Boys of the cosmos.
Thing: You fell in love.
Suspected reasons: True love. Destiny. Hormones. Soulmates.
Actual reason: Cupid got wasted and drunk-arrowed you.
Thing: Overprescription of drugs to children and adults.
Suspected reason: The pharmaceutical business is in cahoots with doctors.
Actual reason: The pharmaceutical business is in cahoots with the Virgin Mary. Long story.
Thing: The McRib will not stay away, nor will it disappear forever.
Suspected reason: McDonald’s is a tease.
Actual reason: Like werewolves, McRib outbreaks are caused by the moon.
Thing: Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Suspected reasons: You failed as a parent. She’s naturally expressing her sexuality. Abstinence education. Teenage boys are slimeballs.
Actual reason: Zeus, in the form of a horse, made love to your daughter. What a blessing!
Thing: House destroyed in fire.
Suspected reason: Fire.
Actual reason: Liberals.
Thing: Your dog rolled in a giant pile of poo at the park.
Suspected reasons: You dog is gross. Instinct.
Actual reason: Nostradamus foretold this one all the way.
Things: Starvation, disease, war, terrorism, genocide.
Suspected reasons: Global inequity. God doesn’t exist. Everyone is the worst.
Actual reason: Everyone is the worst.
Illustration by Hallie Bateman