New Patient Information

Jeremy Blachman would like to welcome you to the doctor’s office. Please have a seat and read through these new rules and policies.

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Welcome to the medical office of someone who at least one licensing agency allows us to call a doctor. In order to reduce confusion, misunderstanding, and positive feelings about your health care experience, we have adopted the following policies:

Waiting Room: Check in with the receptionist when you arrive. She will be in the middle of a personal phone call. Please wait for her to finish. We have provided informative reading material for your convenience, courtesy of Encyclopaedia Britannica’s 1943 Edition, Volume G-Gu. We request that you supervise young children. Those children will be provided to you by the receptionist. Please do not bring food into the waiting room unless you have enough to share with the entire staff. Two of our nurses require a gluten-free diet and one is allergic to salt. Please note that the chairs in the waiting room will not support the weight of an average human being.

Documentation: We require you to bring your insurance card to every appointment, along with your library card, gun license, and at least fourteen forms of government-issued photo identification from at least three different governments. If you have any past lab results or x-ray reports, please swallow them at least twenty-four hours before your appointment so that they will be in your system when you arrive.

Appointment Reminders: As a courtesy to our patients, we utilize an automatic calling system that will call you every hour, on the hour, for 72 hours prior to your appointment. If you miss any of these calls, your appointment will be canceled. We ask that you extend us the courtesy of at least four months notice if you need to cancel an upcoming appointment. If you fail to notify us before the four-month window, we will charge your account an administrative fee of $6,300. For appointments related to illness, wellness, physicals, or procedures, this fee will be doubled.

Phone Calls: The doctor gladly returns all phone calls. The staff, however, physically keeps him from doing so using wrist restraints and surgical tape. Our system is not designed to receive incoming calls, or take messages. If you accidentally get through to our office, rest assured this mistake will quickly be rectified. Do not call back.

Suspicious Skin Lesions: Please keep them covered to avoid frightening other patients. Additionally, if you are bleeding, dripping, or oozing from any part of your body, we ask that you reschedule your appointment for a time when you will no longer risk damaging our carpeting or furniture. If you are unsightly, either due to illness or your normal state of being, we may move you to a private waiting area in the office of another physician.

Please initial this form next to all appearances of the letter S, using your initials and the initials of the person to your left. If you are waiting for test results, we will announce them publicly. We apologize if fellow patients leave urine samples on your person or personal belongings. We are not responsible for injuries resulting from stolen medical equipment. Do not drink from the water cooler. The water is only for show.


Illustration by Hallie Bateman

Jeremy Blachman is a freelance writer and the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a comic novel about corporate law. Well, not really about corporate law, because that wouldn't be funny at all. If you email him, he'll write you back. You can read more of his work on his website.