Survey: Why Haven’t You Replied to My OkCupid Message?

Ben Bateman is surprised that you didn’t respond to him immediately.


Hi. You’ve been randomly selected from the pool of confused/misguided women who have accidentally failed to respond to my OkCupid messages. If you could take this short survey, it will help me fine-tune my system to better serve you in the future.

1. You did not respond to my message because:

A. It seemed too genuine

B. You’re afraid of letting good things happen to you

C. Thought you should get in shape first

D. You are trapped under something heavy

2. The language in my message was:

A. Refreshing and open

B. Poignant and telling

C. Really, literature is the only word

D. I am illiterate

3. The message made you feel:

A. Desired and attractive

B. Complete for the first time

C. Regal

D. All Margret Thatcher-y

4. How many drafts of your response did you get through before giving up?

A. 2

B. 4

C. Fighting with my copy editor

D. Still illiterate

5. How awful do you feel for not responding?

A. Like a rat is gnawing on my heart

B. I ran out of tears

C. Not very, but I will look back at this decision in my dotage and weep

D. I feel worse about being still trapped under this heavy thing

6. When you clicked through to my profile, you found it:

A. Intimidatingly attractive

B. Intimidatingly intelligent

C. Intimidatingly eloquent

D. Perfect

7. Should I have included anything else in my message?

A. More, more of everything, your touch

B. Your home address

C. Smelling salts

D. Please be here now

8. If you got another message from me, you would:

A. Respond in seconds

B. Devote your life to crafting the perfect response

C. Show up at my doorstop

D. Date me until you got bored, then hook me up with one of your more attractive friends

9. Your perfect OkCupid message is:

A. My original message

B. This followup survey

C. Cannot decide between A & B

D. Cannot decide between A, B & C

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this survey.

-Winner@WinnerTakesBalls69 on OkCupid

Illustration by Brad Jonas

Ben Bateman is an editor at The Bygone Bureau. He grew up on a mountain in the middle of Nowhere, CA, and his eerily encyclopedic knowledge of nowhere and mountains stultifies critics and other animals. You can email him, follow him on Twitter, and read the rest of his work here.