Days of the Month

Bored by only seven distinct days of the week, Mark Peters proposes 24 more days to fit in the month.

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If the days of the week were a TV show, they would’ve been canceled decades ago. They are a tedious bore. Monday is, ugh, Monday. Friday and Saturday are sometimes fun, but there’s too much pressure to have fun. Tuesday is bland as mayonnaise-slathered white bread with a side of Cheerios. Sunday is good for football and snoozing and hangovers, but that’s about it. Wednesday and Thursday have no identity at all. They’re all played out.

What we need are more days of the week — by extending the system to days of the month.

Here’s how it would work. For one week a month, we’d have the usual ho-hum days. The rest of the month would consist of new days (see below) that would repeat each month. This would instantly freshen up the old days. If there were only 12 Mondays a year, getting a case of the Mondays wouldn’t seem so bad. Even Tuesday might take on exotic undertones.

Let’s change our lives by changing our calendar. That’s got to be easier than actually changing our lives.

Doomsday
If doomsday came once a month, maybe it wouldn’t seem so scary.

Humpday
Wednesday’s nickname was a little too unofficial to be effective. Studies show that humping actually decreases by 32.1% on Wednesdays. Maybe this will change things.

Zeusday
Since the Greek gods got boned by the Norse gods in the current system, we need to even the score.

Jesusday
How does this not exist already?

Batmanday
Ditto.

Thorsday
I know we already have Thursday, but Thor is so cool, he deserves two days. I’m not arguing with that hammer.

Satanday
When anything bad happens on this day, people will love saying, “What do you expect on Satanday?”

Flossday
A great reminder to floss, though you should really be flossing more than once a month.

Kardashiday
No one in the world today understands why these women are famous, so let’s pass the mystery, along with our crushing debt and nuclear waste, onto future generations.

Biday
This versatile day will celebrate bisexuality and make fun of those stupid French butt fountains. Also, Joe Biden will think this is about him, which should be worth a few laughs.

Coffeeday
It will be obnoxious listening to people say, “Every day is Coffeeday for me,” but I think it’s worth the risk.

Earthday
Instead of a feel-good, do-nothing eco-event once a year, why not save the Earth once a month? Don’t worry, we can still screw it up the rest of the time.

Roboday
When 79.4% of the population is replaced by robots in 2014, I hope those robo-overlords — and their killbot armies, and also their robo-butlers — will remember I proposed this. 0101001001101111
0110001001101111001011010111000001101111011101110110010101110010, guys!

Dingleberryday
This will be fun for all 12-year-olds of all ages.

Waterday
The perfect day for conserving water, staying hydrated, taking a swim, or waterboarding.

Plutoday
It lost its planetary status, but it will never lose its place in our hearts. This is our way of saying, “We still love you, oh Mini-Me of non-planets.”

USAday
As our economy, standard of living, and culture swirl rapidly down the global toilet, we’d better secure a spot in the calendar.

Chinaday
We should also recognize who’s really in the saddle of this one-horse planet. Confucius and Yao Ming all the way, guys!

iDay
A tribute to you-know-who and narcissism.

Nightday
Could be too confusing, but it’s worth a shot.

Birthday
Imagine how exciting it would be if your birthday fell on Birthday. That’s worth two cakes, minimum.

Payday
Everyone loves payday, and by reducing payday to one day a month, we can boost the economy by cutting salaries.

Oprahday
Maybe if we include this one, she’ll allow the rest.

Your-ad-here-day
The unreliable, come-and-go 31st day will be sold to the highest bidder. It could be Dallas Cowday, Ashton Kutchday, or even The Most Interesting Man in the World Day. If no one coughs up the coin, we can go with Stare into the Abyss Day. If this sounds crass, stick around. In the near future, when the moon and most foreheads are sold to sponsors, auctioning off the calendar will seem quaint.


Illustration by Hallie Bateman

Mark Peters is a humorist and language columnist who has written for Esquire, The Funny Times, Psychology Today, Salon, and Slate. He analyzes jokes for McSweeney's, collects euphemisms for Visual Thesaurus, and offers helpful advice on Twitter such as “I stay productive by breaking every task into three parts: the dread, the middle, and the regret.”