Advice from an Ulterior Motivational Speaker

According to Eli Terry, the key to succeeding at everything involves a lot of ham.


Get Promoted!

Advancing up the corporate ladder is all about taking power over your destiny, so nurture a feeling of empowerment by completing a simple task everyday. Make two ham sandwiches. Every day. Make them with care and use quality bread. A repetitive and soothing undertaking such as this fosters a sense of control. Bring those ham sandwiches to work and, every single day, stop by your boss’s office and offer him one of your delicious homemade ham sandwiches. He may think it odd at first and your coworkers might assume you’re a brown noser, but once your boss samples one of your tasty ham sandwiches he’ll always associate you with a good thing. Suddenly, he’s looking at you in a whole different light. But guess what? You laced his ham sandwiches with arsenic. And once the poison ravages his organs, management just might turn their eye to an empowered sandwich-making go-getter for a move into the dead boss’s chair.


Get Fit!

Motivating yourself to workout can be intimidating, especially if you compare yourself — and feel judged by — the toned hard bodies at most fitness clubs. But remember, it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. So, enroll in a gym. One of those fancy gyms with smoothie bars and racks of spandex shorts for sale in the front. Go to that fancy gym for 21 days. Don’t even tax yourself with working out at first. Just make it a habit of exposing yourself to the gym’s energy. Before long it will feel natural to show up to a place you once dreaded. You’ll become friendly with many of the frequent gym goers. Give them nicknames like “Shooter” and “Friend-o.” Soon, you won’t feel the judgment of your exterior as your new friends become enamored with the uniqueness of your character. At least, they’ll be enamored for a short while, because you’ve been leaving out some of that poisoned ham near the smoothie bar. The fitter ones will believe themselves to be fueling up on free samples of meaty ham protein and will unknowingly devastate their intestines. Once you start comparing yourself to former hard bodies with rotted insides and sallow eyes, guess who is going to look pretty fit? You.


Get Friends!

New friends aren’t just going to happen. You need to go and find them. A great place to seek out fun people is through volunteering. Doesn’t matter for what, a homeless shelter, dog rescue, etc. What does matter is that you remember to bring your “special” ham. Don’t make a big deal out of it, but take comfort knowing you have a backpack chock full of hammy poison. Then, while volunteering, be the hardest worker there. Really wow everyone by serving the most soup or building the best habitat. Soon you’ll notice others noticing you. Everyone will be all like, “That guy sure is a hard worker, but does this plate of ham I found taste a little funny to anyone else? No? Oh well, nom nom nom, munch munch munch.” Then, after the poison has turned their insides to mush, you’ll be the most popular guy at their funerals. “You knew them through volunteering? Oh, you must have been a dear friend so now we are friends. I miss my brother, boo hoo, wanna hang out sometime?” Nice.


Get Organized!

There are a lot of different systems out there designed to help people manage their busy lives. But no system can give better tools with real world application quite like the Ham Bandit system. That’s right. This is entire time you’ve been getting in shape, finding friends and injecting ham hocks full of military grade arsenic, you’ve been focused and on-task. You’ve murdered up to approximately 15 people and that takes the type of careful planning and organization that you simply didn’t possess before you started the Ham Bandit system. You’re welcome. 

Illustration by Brad Jonas

Eli Terry lives and works in New York City. He is on Twitter. He writes short bios.