Myth #1: During their freshman year, college students typically gain 15 pounds, experience slower metabolisms, develop lesions all over their bodies, lose most of their vision, gain 45 more pounds, lose their hair, and begin involuntarily urinating from their belly buttons.
Reality: Fear not! Incoming freshmen will be relieved to learn that this is simply not entirely true. Depending on the school that you attend and how often you get out, you may encounter several students who experience virtually none of these changes during much of their freshman year.
Myth #2: If your veins flow with 100% Native American blood, you are permitted to pour one oversized pot of boiling “vision water” into the front of your least favorite professor’s trousers during the week preceding spring break.
Reality: Not so fast, chief! Policy varies from school to school when it comes to a professor’s pre-spring break physical retribution at the hands of unimpressed Native American students. Experts recommend waiting until the other majority of the other pure-blooded Native American students in your class have already poured their boiling vision water into your professor’s trousers first before partaking.
Myth #3: At any given moment, the number of history majors receiving unlubricated hand jobs is roughly equivalent to the number of fish in the ocean.
Reality: Hm, this one could actually be true. Let’s think about this for a second: Are we talking about fish in any of the oceans, or just one particular ocean? Do fish in pictures count? What about a fish swimming in a river that flows into the ocean — he should be included, right? Or no?
Myth #4: …are you waiting for a response from me? I was under the impression I would just be providing these bizarre unbelievable myths, and you would be sort of half-debunking them in unexpectedly nebulous ways.
Reality: Yes that was the setup, but then I wasn’t totally sure if I could debunk that last one at all.
Myth #5: I see. So did this just regress into another one of those self-reflexive deconstructionist humor pieces? Hasn’t that been done enough already?
Reality: It has, but now that it’s become self-reflexively self-reflexive, maybe it’s excusable?
Myth #6: I don’t think so.
Reality: Alright just give me another myth quick before this whole thing totally collapses on itself. And make it easily debunkable this time.
Myth #7: College was invented in the 1990’s by an Amish teenage magician named Zebadiah College. Zebadiah later went on to become the President of Zebadiah Logs; on his death bed, he traveled back in time to 1969 and changed the name of his company to Lincoln Logs (a nod to the surging popularity of the Lincoln Zephyr among transgender Haitian longshoremen).
Reality: How about something slightly less ridiculous, but still entirely unbelievable.
Myth #8: Earning a college degree will get you a good job when you graduate.
Reality: Perfect! And I think this could be a good one to end on.
Myth #9: Agreed.
Photo courtesy of the Claremont Colleges Digital Library