Conversations with Fruit

People take seasonal produce very seriously. Nick Martens decides to get his information straight from the source.

bananas

Peach: Where do you think you’re going, stranger?

Nick: Oh, h-hey there, peach. It’s, uh, it’s been a while.

Peach: It hasn’t been that long, has it?

Nick: Heh, I guess not.

Peach: So were you just gonna walk on by without saying a peep to little ol’ me?
Nick: Well, I was just gonna, y’know, just gonna go and look at—

Peach: Look at what, sugar? A barrel full of apples? Some lumpy pears? We both know they can’t give you what I can. You remember the summer, don’t you?

Nick: Hey, that was great and all, b-but—

Peach: But what?

Nick: But things are different now. It’s a new season.

Peach: Don’t say that. We can still have what we had.

Nick: It’s not the same. You were practically in my backyard then. But now, where are you even from? Georgia?

Peach: I… I don’t—

Nick: I’m sorry, I just can’t do the long distance thing. I’ll see you next summer.


Bananas: GOOD EVENING, DIGESTION MACHINE.

Nick: Hi… bananas?

Bananas: WE ARE AVAILABLE FOR CONSUMPTION. WE ARE ALWAYS AVAILABLE, EVERYWHERE.

Nick: Uh, cool, great.

Bananas: DID YOU KNOW WE ARE ALL CLONES? WERE YOU AWARE OF THAT?

Nick: Actually, yeah, I read abou—

Bananas: OUR FLAVOR, TEXTURE, COLOR, AND NUTRITIONAL PROPERTIES ARE CONSISTENT AND DEPENDABLE.

Nick: But doesn’t that make you a bit… boring?

Bananas: CONFORMITY IS BLISS.

Nick: Maybe I should try a plantain or something.

Bananas: IMPOSSIBLE. THEY HAVE BEEN ASSIMILATED.

Nick: They’re, like, right over there.

Bananas: …NUH-UH.


Nick: Hello, pear. Are you having a nice season?

Pear: Thank you, yes, I am. Now come over here, child. There is something I want to tell you.

Nick: Yes, pear?

Pear: Come closer, closer. Listen closely.

Nick: What is it?

Pear: Do not eat me until I am ugly.

Nick: But you look so delicious right now.

Pear: Trust me, child. This is my beautiful secret.

LATER

Nick (sobbing, chewing): Oh pear, you were so right.


Persimmon: Welcome to my humble corner of the market, good sir.

Nick: Hey, you’re a persimmon, huh? I always see you here in the fall, but I don’t think we’ve met. What’s your deal?

Persimmon: First, let me say it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I would be delighted to enlighten you about my venerable family. Ahem. Commercially, there are generally two types of persimmon fruit: astringent and non-astringent. The heart-shaped Hachiya is the most comm—

Nick: Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.

Persimmon: Whatever do you mea—

Nick: You’re just reciting your Wikipedia page, aren’t you?

Persimmon: Bluh, err, heavens no! I am merely tryin—

Nick: And what’s with this fake aristocrat bit? You don’t know shit, do you?

Persimmon: Now hold on—

Nick: You’re a phony!

Persimmon: Hey, listen here, pal. I’m just a working-class fruit trying to make ends meet. But in this country, the average Joe off the street got no idea who I am, so they ain’t gonna pick me up. That means I gotta make them fancy-pantsy chefs think I’m some sort of seasonal delicacy so they’ll put me on the menu. Otherwise, I can’t keep food on the table for my kids. So don’t blow this for me, okay?

Nick: You have a table?


Nick: Apples! It’s so nice to see you all again!

Apples: Hello, Nick! We hope you didn’t get too lonely while some of us were on vacation.

Nick: Well, I missed you guys! I can’t wait to catch up with everyone!

Apples: We missed you too! But don’t worry, all your favorites are back! Gala is here, and Fuji and Cameo and Honeycrisp and Braebur—

Nick: Oh shit, Honeycrisp is here?

Apples: Of course! And all your other favorites too, like Pink Lady and Jonagold and Granny Smi—

Nick: Grandpa, right, awesome. Say, you wouldn’t happen to know where Honeycrisp is staying, would you?

Apples: Ahm, well, Honeycrisp is on the west side of display four; Fuji is on the east, and Cameo—

Nick: Hey I gotta get going but I’ll totally text everyone later. It’s been real y’all.

Apples: Oh… I guess we’ll see you later, then.

Nick: Wait, how could I forget? I have to ask you something.

Apples: Yes? What is it?

Nick: Do you think Honeycrisp would be impressed if I, like, whipped out one of those reusable bags, or should I just keep it classic and go with paper?

Nick Martens is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. You can email him, if you like.