The Only Film Left Behind (Starring Kirk Cameron)

Jimmy Chen reports from the Rapture, where it appears that every movie ever made has disappeared, save one.

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HELL, Earth — An estimated 2.32 billion Christians ascended into the heavens during last week’s Rapture, leaving behind 1,872,534 used and new copies of Left Behind: The Movie (2000), starring Kirk Cameron. Some omniscient entity—which at this point we concede was probably Jesus—made it a point to erase every single other movie ever made. From DVDs to Netflix “instant,” everything is now gone. And it’s getting really hot. The perished feel this is somewhat unfair, citing the Book of Revelation’s outline of the Great Tribulation, which includes disasters, famine, war, and suffering. “I always thought suffering was used symbolically,” says non-believer Larry Coln, “but this is just cruel.”

Left Behind: The Movie is an adaptation of 16 best-selling novels, the first of which is titled Left Behind, in which a Romanian antichrist becomes Secretary-General of the United Nations, and brokers a deal with an atheist Jew scientist who develops a synthetic compound that makes Israel’s land extremely fertile. This brings upon the End of Days, during which the Enigma Babylon One World Faith futilely tries to harmonize other faiths, which has critical overtones of Hinduism and Buddhism. Authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, during their rise to heaven, were seen displaying their middle fingers in evocative and intricate ways. Evidently, they must have rehearsed.

Kirk Cameron, who gladly left behind Left Behind for the left behind, starred in Growing Pains, a television sitcom about an affluent family’s mild trials. His best friend was “Boner.” His father was played by Alan Thicke. Thicke, Boner. Boner’s first name was Richard, Dick. Dick Boner. Television was awesome. Life was pretty great, then this had to happen. “Jesus, why couldn’t Jesus leave behind Growing Pains instead, I could deal with that. It was a good show,” says Mr. Coln, sweating off the 109° heat with a mintless Mojito. (The world’s plants have since died.)

Protesters have rallied along Asteroid Vesta’s newly formed meteor crater, carrying signs in opposition to watching Left Behind: The Movie. Of the many fervent calls, one sign reads, “Why Couldn’t It Be Die Hard?” Another reads “We Want Die Hard.”

“We’re stuck here for seven years, okay, got it; but that doesn’t mean I’m going to watch that f—ing movie,” said protester Kerri Kelly. “I do yoga and know three chords on the guitar, I’ll be fine,” she said with a boiling tear. Cornel West and Marilyn Manson have started a fire pit on the south east side of Vesta crater, and are giving away “free” hot dogs. “This is spectacular,” says West, “the entire world is a charcoal grill.” Capitalism may well be dead.

The majority of the 1,872,534 copies of the movie were found in the basement of Cameron’s 54,000 sq. ft. Clarence, New York mansion, inside various rows labeled A – F of crates. The unopened DVD’s had been signed by Cameron himself with a broad tip Sharpie permanent marker, which may explain how he either developed or sustained the sniffing addiction he and his publicist went through great pains to keep from the public. In 2010 text to his publicist, Cameron wrote “fck i accidntly drew hitler stach [sic].” Though pictures were never taken, one can easily imagine him with one.

Things will very likely go from bad to worse. Tanning salon sales are down, and so is hope. Maybe. “I’m kind of glad they’re all gone,” Mr. Coln said, “and hell, maybe the movie isn’t so bad.”

Jimmy Chen lives in San Francisco and works at a large institution. He suffers from various undiagnosed personality disorders, and enjoys food. He can be found here.