A Pep Talk to the Forest Moon of Endor

Nick Martens would like to cheer up the Ewok-inhabited moon from Return of the Jedi.


Hey there, buddy. Dagobah told me you’ve been bummed out lately, so I thought we could chat a bit. How’s it going?

Look, lots of celestial bodies struggle with identity issues. Sure, you have an extremely confusing Wikipedia entry. Are you a moon or a planet? Do you orbit a gas giant or destroyed planet or binary star? Heck, did I get your name right or should I just call you Endor? It must weigh on your mind. But you’re not alone. Look at Pluto. Poor bastard was one of the Big Nine, a real-deal planet before it got smacked all the way down to “dwarf planet.” Ouch. But you know what? It soldiered on. It’s still the same cold barren rock with a distant elliptical orbit that it was when schoolchildren had to learn about it.

So who cares what they call you? No matter what, you’re an attractive and hospitable cosmic orb in my book. And speaking of attractive, are you doing something different with your trees these days? They look great. So verdant.

Okay, I’m stalling. Let’s just talk about it. The Ewoks. We both know Ewoks are what people think of when they hear your name, and that’s just not fair. You didn’t ask for that. Maybe some will say you rolled the dice by developing a lush climate capable of sustaining megafauna. But no one could have expected it to go as wrong as it did. You thought you might get dinosaurs or jungle cats or great apes. Instead you gave rise to a sickening scourge of tribal teddy bears who precipitated the demise of one of the great creative enterprises of our era. Seriously, have you watched Return of the Jedi lately? You can tell Harrison Ford would rather catch scarlet fever than do another scene with those fucking overgrown guinea pigs.

Nobody blames you for that, though. Well, maybe some do, but I don’t. I remember all the good things that happened on you. Like the speeder bike scene. How great was that? That was my part favorite when I was a kid. It really felt like those things were going super fast, and your forest gave the perfect sense of danger. And when one of those suckers would crash into a tree and blow up? Classic!

And that’s not all, either. Like, for example… uh… well, the storm troopers never looked better then they did in those forest get-ups. (Well, not better than the snow troopers on Hoth, obviously.) And… those big Imperial shuttles are pretty rad. (A couple of those landed on you right?) Oh, and you nailed the outer space shots. All cloudy and green and shit.

What else, what else…

Oh, how about Caravan of Courage? I saw that! It had that weird blonde kid and… a lot of Ewoks. Yeah, sorry I brought that up. Whatever, we all have our ups and downs. Don’t worry about it. You bounced back strong with, um, Ewoks: Battle for Endor? Maybe?


Is there, like, an equivalent to liquor for planets? Oh shit, moons. I meant moons. Sorry.

Nick Martens is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. You can email him, if you like.