Job Posting: Art Director
Moderately successful, sometimes-not-boring online publication seeks a part-time Art Director to join an editorial staff of moderately successful, sometimes-not-boring twenty-year-olds. Candidate should be an independent worker and unabashedly nerdy.
We’re also looking for someone with an eye for design, the chops to illustrate, and that’s a whiz at Photoshop (pirated versions OK — scratch that, encouraged). Candidate should be comfortable communicating mostly by email and reaching out to other artists. Being funny on Twitter is a plus.
The commitment is roughly a few hours a week. This position, like every position at this moderately successful, sometimes-not-boring online publication, is unpaid.
Dear Bygone Bureau,
I found your job posting in the bathroom of an Amsterdam nightclub, Handboogstraat 11. I wiped it off, and after reading the job description I think I am more than qualified to fulfill this position.
I usually work alone, and when people try to speak to me or bring me food or water I just scream, “NOT NOW, MOM!” and slam the door so hard that my Star Trek: The Next Generation poster falls down, revealing my Degrassi: The Next Generation poster hung up directly behind it.
I certainly have an eye for design. It’s on my forehead, right under my bangs, so nobody notices usually, and it’s sort of my own interesting, strange little secret with myself. But when I’m working alone, I just lift up my bangs, and the eye just sort of bulges out of my forehead, and I can see everything in stunning and glorious detail.
I learned Photoshop at a very young age. I had yet to grow bangs and my mom would always look at me and say, “You have your grandfather’s eyes.” But she would say it in a really mean way, with her eyebrows all angry and ashamed, and sometimes she would start crying. So I had to photoshop my eye for design out of a lot of pictures for family photo albums and stuff.
As far as internet communication, I’m mostly experienced with using Gmail but I’m sure I could get a hang of Email very easily — after all, they’re only two letters apart, and I’m very intuitive with these things.
I hope you will consider me for this position, as I have already quit my high-paying job at the mall where I sell dentures to old people, and am prepared to make a huge fortune working part-time for your online publication. You were totally kidding when you said “unpaid” right?