Girlfriend Cash Cab

Welcome to the Cash Cab, Gregory Mazurek — the only game show that takes place right here in this taxi with your girlfriend watching.


Greg enters a taxi on Avenue A.

Greg: Take me to Broadway and 81st, please.

Alarms sound and lights flash.

Ben Bailey: You’re in the Girlfriend Cash Cab, a television game show that takes place right here in this taxi cab!

Greg: Wait, what?

Ben: I’m going to ask you a series of questions—

Greg: I’ve seen Cash Cab before but you said—

Ben: Great! Then, let’s play!

Greg: No, wait. Did you say Girlfriend Cash Cab?

Ben: That’s right! This is a spin-off where all your questions have been supplied by your girlfriend, Amber.

Greg: Are you kidding?

Ben: So what do you say, want to play?

Greg: I don’t want to play.

Ben locks the doors and drives off while GREG tries to escape.

Ben: First question! For $50, what do you like about Amber?

Greg: Are you serious?

Ben: You have ten seconds.

Greg: I don’t want this televised.

Ben: Amber is watching right now via closed circuit TV! You have six seconds.

Greg: Just give me a strike.

Ben: Five seconds.

Greg: Because she’s beautiful, smart, and sweet.

Ben: Oh, strike one! Sorry, Greg. The correct answer is that she’s everything you ever dreamed of in a woman. Two more strikes and I’m dropping you off—

Greg: Can you just drop me off here?

Ben: No, and as I was saying, if you get two more wrong, I’m dropping you off at couples counseling.

Greg frantically tries to unlock the rear hatch.

Ben: For $50, is Amber a little overweight?

Greg: No.

Ben: That was a little fast, Greg. Don’t you want to think about it?

Greg: No, I’m sure.

Ben pauses and inspects the passing cars.

Ben: You got it! That’s $50! Now, these next questions are worth $100. When are you going to introduce Amber to your parents?

Greg: That’s in the future!

Ben: I just need a date.

Greg: I don’t know! How can she know the answer to that?

Ben: Five seconds.

Greg: Tomorrow.

Ben: I need a specific date and time.

Greg: February 29, 2011.

Ben: Oh, Greg, strike two! Friday. Friday was the correct answer.

Greg tries to kick out the window as the taxi stops at a red light.

Ben: We’re stopped at a red light so that means Red Light Challenge!

Greg: Please, no. No challenge.

Ben: You and Amber have accumulated twenty-three anniversaries marking key moments of your two-month relationship. You have thirty seconds to list twenty-two of them starting with the day you first met.

Greg kicks frantically at the window.

Ben: You have fifteen seconds.

Greg throws his body into the door.

Ben: Five seconds!

Greg: Umm…October 1, first met. October 3, first date. October 4, first kiss. October 5, I don’t know.

Ben: Oh, sorry, time’s up. You missed October 2, first mutual smile, October 5, first time she laughed at one of your jokes. October 6, first date at a Chinese restaurant, October 12, first farmers market date, October 17, first time you laughed at one of her jokes, and a slew of others.

Greg: Is Amber still watching?

Ben: Yes and one more strike and you’re off to counseling. Now, these next questions are worth $250. What joke did you tell your best friend last Saturday that was so hilarious?

Greg jumps from seat and wrestles with Ben over the steering wheel, eventually negotiating the taxi into a collision with a street light.

Ben: Are you OK?

Greg: I’m fine but that was ridiculous.

Ben: Not as ridiculous as our ratings.

Greg: But things really got out of control back there.

Ben: Please. That was nothing compared to Mother-In-Law Cash Cab.

Photo by spanaut

Gregory Mazurek is a contributor to Barnes & Noble Review and has been published in McSweeney's, Science Creative Quarterly, and some other online humor publications.