Pokemon I Invented While I Was Drunk

Inspired by a break up and an excessive number of drinks, Kevin Nguyen becomes an amateur Pokemon designer.


This is Dogerpion (but some people call him Kevin). He is a fire Pokemon!!

OK, so he’s not the coolest Pokemon, but he’s reliable and caring. But he’s all of the best animals combined — part dog, part tiger, part scorpion, and he has fucking wings!


This is Lindseahorse. She is a water Pokemon, who totally gets Dogerpion…

But then she drinkks to much and then her only attacks are LYING and BEING JUDGMENTAL. She’s constantly hating on other Pokemon becaus tey dont want to pay for cable tv or buy new shirts because their shirts are old and only have a few holes in them so what’s the big deal if you keep waering these old shirts right?


Oh, tis is Jaredouche. Jaredouche is a jerk Pokemon and he has a fancy law degree and a BMW and you can find him in the most pretentious part of Saffron City. One day Jaredouche is like oh sorry bro, me and Lindseahorse were jus drinkin and one thing happened and then another happened and then suddenly i was penetratin your gf but it was like totally a fukinn accident solike dont even be mad.

Jaredouche is a total fukker adn i hate him.


Heres Drunkevin, its the evolved form of Dogerpion. One day he was lik fuck tis, imunna evolv an shit, so Drunkevin attacks are ANGRY DRUNKK DAIL and TAK A PISS ALL OVER JAREDOUCHE’S BMW. Haha yeah!!


This is Bartender, and he is an asshole Pokemon. Unfortuntly, asshole Pokemn are supre effecctive against fire Pokemon, so he totally kiked Drunkevin’s ass. Iss lik dude, jus shuddup en ill tell yu whn i;ve had enufff smirnofff ices ok?


Tis is Kevinwantodye and shtso sodj mdksmf dkngsndsnf pesf jiekf nkmeskldkfk nspd ofsepkq kf, l,ls;dfm oqkl;dfa ;’ksf;’ksdlkmfdl;sf jwpeo’jsdpfjld; ngdsmlfm;ldsn kegopsfm o! aadjf dkjskdjf pokemon.

Illustrations by Hallie Bateman

Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.