Hello all, and thank you for making it to the gallery on such short notice. I’ve called this emergency press conference because I want to set the record straight regarding my current art show, Despair.
Now, many of you may have already heard some rumors regarding the sculpture that I am standing directly in front of, titled “A Miserable Week.” Briefly, this installation consists of seven realistic bronze statues of myself labeled Sunday through Saturday, which are standing in various anguished poses. They represent my ongoing battle with depression.
Unfortunately, the media has no interest in the piece’s meaning. Instead, they focus on unrelated facts from my personal life. Yes, I was born in set of octuplets, and yes, since beginning work on this show, all of my brothers have “not shown up for work,” “failed to make it to important doctor’s appointments or court dates,” “been reported missing,” et cetera, et cetera. To note this coincidence and then jump to the conclusion (as several journalists and police investigators have) that I bronzed my brothers in the name of art is ridiculous and downright offensive!
These muckrakers will dig up anything that might paint me as a murderer. It’s true that, in college, before settling on the Fine Arts, I proposed three self-designed majors — Taxidermy, Spear Hunting, and The History Of and Techniques Behind Successful Cover-ups. This, however, only proves I have a yearning to preserve the past. It does not “clearly indicate” that I possess “violent and criminal tendencies.”
Furthermore, the fact that I have been overheard whispering to my sculptures, referring to them as “my brothers,” and thanking them for their “sacrifice,” proves nothing except that the aforementioned investigators who “recorded these whisperings” and “plan to use them in a court of law” know nothing about the creative process!
I form a close bond with my work, like a brotherhood, or even closer since my brothers don’t care about my art and never come to my openings, unless I make a show out of them. Did I just say “out of”? I meant “about.” My brothers never show up unless it’s a show about them. And that’s why they’re not here. In this room. At all.
All I ask of you, during my upcoming trial, is your support and friendship. To those who’ve supported me all along, thank you. For those few of you that have further concerns about my work, please let me know. I would be happy to discuss these with you privately so that I can incorporate you — err, I mean your feedback — into future projects.