The Second Interview

Gregory Mazurek has good news: you’ve made it to the next round of the job interview. Lucky you.

interview

Thank you again for coming in to interview for the Online Marketing Assistant position yesterday. I’m sorry that we ran out of time due to your panic attack during our patented “ballistic rapid fire” questioning session.

We consider you a top candidate for this position and we would like to extend to you the offer of a second interview. Congratulations! If you accept, we’d like you to prepare a presentation for an audience of senior executives so we can better understand your communication, organization, and thought-processing skills.

To give you a better idea as to what we’re looking for, please choose from one of the following topics:

1. The marketing department’s attrition rate has been very high, leaving an unfortunate amount of paperwork to be filed. Present a process by which you would organize all these documents in a five-hour period and be ready to demonstrate the entire process before the senior executives.

2. Our summer line of goods has not been performing to our expectations. Create a viral video in which you and your friends find several comical uses for our products. We’re looking for 900,000 or more YouTube views and at least 10 insightful comments on Vimeo regarding the video’s cinematography.

3. We are seeking someone who can bring “cutting edge” technological know-how into our office. To this effect, please launch a 3-D website that brands our company as socially conscious. You will earn extra points if we are not required to wear 3-D glasses.

4. The Online Marketing Assistant needs to have a large network of people she can directly market to. To this effect, please distribute a list of 3,000 family, friends, former-classmates, war buddies, etc., with their names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, and approximate incomes. Please confine your contacts to regions in which we have active sales channels.

5. A recent internal study found that our productivity declines significantly when our marketing department leaves the office for lunch. Prepare a presentation in which you discuss possible lunchtime meal options, and distribute at least two month’s worth of frozen, packaged samples. Please keep in mind that some of your audience is vegan.

6. Our marketing meeting room has been called bland, dull, and uninviting by many clients over the past five years. Using ladders and scaffolding of your choosing, paint a ceiling mural that portrays our online marketing strategy as a medieval war between good and evil.

7. We’ve been reading a lot about how online social networking sites are cyclical. Create the next big thing using our company’s logo and be prepared to answer questions as to how your servers are going to handle intense lunchtime usage.

If we could have you present this coming Thursday, that would be great. Please let me know if you have any questions, and congratulations on advancing to the second interview!

Gregory Mazurek is a contributor to Barnes & Noble Review and has been published in McSweeney's, Science Creative Quarterly, and some other online humor publications.