Belmont Hotel, Certified Public Accountant

Before receiving the consultation services of Mr. Hotel, Sean Adams must agree to the following terms.

belmont_hotelWelcome to the office of Belmont Hotel, Certified Public Accountant. Before beginning your consultation, please read and agree to the following:

I, [client’s name], understand that Belmont Hotel is a certified public accountant and not a hotel. His name may, on paper, resemble that of a hotel, but I will not make reference to this, or inquire about things such as “vacancies” and “continental breakfast” when meeting with him. Our appointments will focus solely on my finances.

From time to time, Mr. Hotel has offered the guest bedroom at his personal residence to clients in dire need of a place to stay. I promise not to take advantage of this thoughtful gesture by saying “I need an accountant. By the way, could I stay in your guest bedroom?” and then, the next morning, having a sudden change of heart about the accountant part. Such behavior will result in action taken by Mr. Hotel, including but not limited to the cancellation of any future visits to the guest bedroom that I have scheduled.

Mr. Hotel does not offer a wake up call service for those clients who are given the privilege of staying in his guest bedroom. Mr. Hotel has instead provided an alarm clock on the bedside table. I, the client/guest, take full responsibility for setting the alarm clock. I will not ask Mr. Hotel to “call me in the morning to remind me to set the alarm clock.”

Despite what I may have read, I acknowledge that there is no shuttle to the airport terminal from Mr. Hotel’s guest bedroom. If I am certain that I have seen something about “Belmont Hotel,” “shuttles,” and “terminals” somewhere, I perhaps have misread his personal website where he often blogs about space travel.

Similarly, I will not inquire about a “honeymoon suite,” which I may have thought to exist after misunderstanding Mr. Hotel’s blog post on the anniversary of the lunar landing which also mentioned his summertime hobby, beekeeping.

Mr. Hotel employs a highly qualified secretary. If I refer to her in conversation, I will call her by her title, “secretary,” or by her name, Janet. I will not refer to her as “The Maid Service” or the “Concierge.” Furthermore, I will not ask her to provide me with fresh linens or to secure tickets to local theater.

If Janet provides me with fresh linens or theater tickets, I understand this is a show of affection and not an obligation to her position. Janet is a sweet but easily misguided girl, and I will not take advantage of this.

Though I may want to, I will not snicker if Mr. Hotel calls menial tasks “housekeeping” or asks me to “check out” something or discusses why he has “reservations” about any given financial decision. I know that it would be inappropriate and unprofessional to ask Mr. Hotel to repeat himself several times while my laughter grows increasingly more audible. Above all else, under no circumstances will I secretly record Mr. Hotel repeating any of the above terms on my iPhone and post the video to a social networking site.

Choosing the right accountant is important. Therefore, if I need a night to “sleep on the decision,” Mr. Hotel gladly offers for me to take this night in his guest bedroom.*

Signature ________________________
Date ________________________

* contingent upon vacancy.


Photo courtesy of the London School of Economics

Sean Adams lives in Seattle, where he works as a staff writer for Woot.com. His stuff has been published on McSweeney’s, The Morning News, and elsewhere in print and online.