Imaginary Conversations with American Apparel Models

Kevin Nguyen wonders what it would be like to chat up the women that define scandalous hipster chic.

Caitlin at a Party

I swear I don’t usually do this — walking up to girls I don’t know. In fact, I’m usually a pretty timid individual. I can barely muster up the courage to talk to my landlord, who isn’t even intimidating. She’s a tiny Korean lady who refuses to fix the air conditioning in my apartment. God, listen to me, I’m rambling. I don’t know why.


But I just noticed you from across the room. Your eyes — you have the most beautiful eyes. I couldn’t look away from them, and I had to come talk to you.


I’ve never felt this way before. I hope you don’t think this is too forward but… would you want to get coffee sometime?


Abigail at a Pet Store


Do you like dogs? You seem like a dog person. I am a dog person too, although I haven’t had a dog since I was kid. My family had a golden retriever named Scout. He was a good dog, although he used to throw up a lot.


If you could have any kind of dog, what would you have? I think I would get a corgi. Corgis are my favorite.


Haha, yeah, corgis are the best!

Debbie at Taco Bell


Whoa, you scared the bejesus out of me. I guess I didn’t hear you come in. How long have you been standing there? Anyway, welcome to Taco Bell. What can I get you?


That’s okay, take your time. Have you been to a Taco Bell before? Right now we’ve got our $2 Meal Deals. You can get a burrito, small Mountain Dew, and a bag of Doritos for just two bucks! It’s a great value, especially if you’ve only got pocket change. Does that skirt even have pockets?


Or how about our Chalupa Supreme, with our famous crunchy, chewy Chalupa shell—


—I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Nour Gets in a Taxi Cab

Where would you like to go, ma’am?


(Lights and music sound off in the taxi.)

You’re in the Cash Cab! It’s a TV game show that takes place right here in my taxi! I’m going to take you to your destination and ask you general knowledge questions along the way. I’m going to start off easy, and the questions will get harder as we go. But it’s three strikes and you’re out. If you get three questions wrong, I’m gonna kick you out and you won’t win any money.


Are you ready to play? Let’s take a ride in the Cash Cab!

First question: who is the current prime minister of Canada?


Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.