The Seven Most Annoying Coworkers (Who are Actually Face-Eating Aliens in Disguise)

Ralph Gamelli thinks his fellow employees are pretty irritating, especially when they’re planning to destroy Earth.

The Naysayer

The Naysayer delights in being negative. Ask him what he thinks about your suggestion regarding the MacGregor account, and he’ll criticize it. Ask him if aliens could be among us, disguised, infiltrating society to set up a large-scale assault, and he’ll deny it. Ask him why in the world he bleeds yellow blood when he gets a paper cut, and he’ll eat your face.
The Naysayer

The Careless Emailer

Without fail, the Careless Emailer uses the reply all option when he contacts his alien cohorts, filling up your inbox with top-secret messages, schedules, and recipes pertaining to the forthcoming human slaughter. Try not to let it get to you; he’s honestly trying his best to adapt to our Earthly technology. And don’t bother to download the information and take it to the authorities. They’ll only think you’ve gone insane. Also, one of them will undoubtedly be an alien who will devour your face.
The Careless Emailer

The Loud Guy

Go anywhere near the Loud Guy’s desk and all you’ll hear is him yakking on the phone, or drumming his fingers, or tapping his feet. He also tends to sing songs to himself in an eerie, otherworldly language that chills you to the bone, although the melodies aren’t completely terrible.
The Loud Guy

The Gossiper

The Gossiper likes to stick his prosthetic nose into everyone’s business. Sometimes his nose will fall off and he’ll very quickly pick it up off the floor and stick it back on. Pretend not to notice and tell him something juicy about yourself, and there’s a chance he won’t feast on your face.
The Gossiper

The Spotlight Stealer

The Spotlight Stealer tries to pass off everyone else’s ideas as his own. In fact, the whole attack on Earth was probably his suggestion. This is one of the most infuriating office types you’ll ever encounter. Try to arrange an “accident” that results in you spilling some water on him. For all you know, it could be like acid to his species. If not, try again with coffee, which will at least stain his shirt.
The Spotlight Stealer

The Late Guy

The Late Guy is always running “ten of your Earth minutes” behind. When his superiors eventually inform him that the annihilation will now commence, you can either flee the building and immediately have your face consumed by a punctual alien, or accept your fate and enjoy an extra few minutes of life in the break room.
The Late Guy

The Mind Reader

The Mind Reader constantly probes your thoughts to learn as much as possible about humankind, studying our innermost feelings, our hopes, our fears, our PIN numbers. Keep him at bay by imagining an impenetrable brick wall and filing a complaint with the personnel department. Don’t let unsettling thoughts enter your head, such as an annoying coworker ripping off his human disguise and then eating your face. That will happen soon enough, anyway. Why dwell on it?
The Mindreader

Illustrations by Hallie Bateman.

Ralph Gamelli is of average height, weight, and intelligence, and requires the average amount of time to grow a respectable mustache. His ability to write an interesting bio, however, is far below average.