Job Interview Questions I Hope They Don’t Ask Tomorrow

Scott Rothman is ready for his job interview. Unless any of these things come up.

Why did you leave your last job?

Do you drink more than three alcoholic beverages a night?  

Can we look at the history of the internet sites you’ve recently visited on your computer? 

Yes or no, you’d like to see me take my pants off?  

Will you take your pants off?   

Do you really want this job because you’ll be good at it or did you just back yourself into a corner at your current job and need to make a change before you get fired?  

Is it true that you have a fear of the color brown and, by extension, UPS drivers? 

Why do you keep looking at my breasts/hairpiece/mole/zit/crotch?

Can you explain the TV show Lost?

Can you describe, in excruciating detail, your most awkward sexual experience?

Can you tell us your greatest weakness but somehow spin it into something we will believe is actually a great strength?  

What is the sound of one hand clapping, or, put another way, do you think you’ve ever brought pleasure to a woman?

If we were to hire you do you think you would continue your practice of stealing coffee, toilet paper, and binder clips from your previous jobs?

Have you ever had a dream in which you totally made out with your best friend?

Is it true you own a DVD of Postcards from the Edge and cried while watching it last night?   

Not that it matters, but have you ever measured your penis, or, more specifically, did you do so after watching Postcards from the Edge last night?

Do you have any African-American or homosexual friends?  

Would you say you are an online pornography enthusiast?

At your current job, did you eat co-worker Debbie Blaustein’s egg salad sandwich last Monday even though she clearly wrote “Deb’s!” on the bag?

Can you please mime me your previous work experience?  

Do you find the terms “pontoon boat” or “tit mouse” amusing?

Did you hook up with Melissa “The Pant Pissa” Reduto in ninth grade?

Scott Rothman is a screenwriter living in New York City.