Writing the Submission Guidelines for Magazines I’ve Never Read

Seriously though, Ralph Gamelli has never read any of these.

Field and Stream
Currently looking for articles pertaining to hunting and fishing, or at least that’s what one would reasonably assume by the title of our magazine. Something with an “outdoorsy” feel would seem to be a good fit. Submissions should make us nostalgic for hunting and fishing trips we used to take with our fathers, even if those trips never really happened and we’re just remembering disjointed images from old TV shows and movies.

Wired
Please send overly enthusiastic articles about technology that regular people only care about in a peripheral sense, but others can get unhealthily obsessed about. Pieces focusing on electronic gadgets, thingamajigs, and doodads always needed — particularly doodads.

Electronic submissions only. Snail mail subs will not be read. They will be shunned. Mocked.

Response time: we check our email constantly. You should receive a reply within fifteen minutes, but please wait twenty before querying.

Payment will be made through PayPal. Only Neanderthals still handle checks.

Spin
In all likelihood, the “spin” in question refers to the manner in which old vinyl records used to spin around on a turntable, although there’s a small chance it could relate to political spin. Submit interviews with musicians or lists of your top ten favorite albums. Fan fiction starring Bruce Springsteen published in rare cases, but must be exceptional.

Payment: $50 iTunes gift card

(Actually, the more we think about it, the more it seems possible that “spin” could have something to do with politics. Potential contributors are encouraged to look at a cover of the magazine, determine whether the person on it is a musician or a politician, and submit accordingly.)

Cat Fancy
No longer accepting submissions that have anything even remotely to do with cats. Cats suck and the sooner you realize it, the better.

Get a dog.

Esquire
According to the dictionary, Esquire is a title appended to a lawyer’s surname, or a man’s name when addressing him in a letter. Since we’ve never heard of a magazine for lawyers, submissions should most likely focus on men’s interests, such as how to be better than other men in all conceivable ways, because everything is a competition, isn’t it? Writers should take themselves more seriously than those at Maxim, which we’ve actually glanced at once or twice, but shouldn’t be as conceited as we imagine the writers at GQ are.

Payment: the satisfaction of knowing you’re infinitely superior to your fellow males.

Guns and Ammo
Submissions should not bring to mind the quaint, pastoral hunting and fishing images from Field and Stream, but should make one think of a chubby, bearded guy in a sleeveless t-shirt firing his automatic weapon at the neighborhood dump while draining a six-pack.

To make certain your work reaches us without delay, place your submission in a 9×12″ envelope with sufficient postage, then toss it in the nearest incinerator.

Payment: $10 per article, $250 if you turn in your firearm at the local police station.

The New Yorker
Needs interviews and articles focusing on self-important metropolitan types who frequent museums, art galleries, and penthouses.

Fiction submissions must be pretentiously literary or literarily pretentious and take place in museums, art galleries, or penthouses. Fan fiction starring Bruce Springsteen published in rare cases, but must be exceptional.

Payment: $20,000 and license to act even more self-important than usual at cocktail parties.

Psychology Today
Interested in articles on psychology and psychiatry, and what the hell is the difference between them. In addition, we would like analytical pieces which examine why some people get so obsessed about things like cats, guns, and electronic doodads. Lastly, and most importantly, we’d appreciate it if you would please explain, if at all possible, why someone would write guidelines to magazines he’s never read.

Ralph Gamelli is of average height, weight, and intelligence, and requires the average amount of time to grow a respectable mustache. His ability to write an interesting bio, however, is far below average.